Struggling

So, here was my concern when setting up this blog and sharing thoughts, starting conversations, posting what works for others and myself, posting interesting information and research done regarding Bipolar Disorder – a myriad of thoughts and ideas. What I dreaded was, and is, what the hell to post on these days of “struggle.” I call it struggle because I am not full-on depressed. Yet. I’m having to work at not sinking deeper. I “took the day off” today. No doctor appointments. No paying bills. No looking at the mail. I slept quite a bit today. Now, that’s probably also due to the tremendous physical pain I am in and the medication I took for that pain. (Lower Lumbar Fused, Arthritis, Fibromyalgia and feet and shoulder plagued with Tendonitis.) More to come on all of that mess in future entries. I have the feeling of “wanting to go home.” I have this thought, and have even said it aloud, when I’m down. That’s a symptom of mine to which I should pay attention, because within a day, I could be struggling to function at the most basic of levels.

So, like I said, I dreaded when these days (and worse) would arrive. What would I write?

I decided go with what it looks like for me to try to fool you. The tricking of you into thinking I’m okay when I am so not okay. Now, I know I cannot speak for everyone, but I do know so many people with Bipolar do what I’m about to show you in these simple photos. I cannot tell you how many times I have had to do this at family, church or friend meetings and get-togethers.

This is an easy way to demonstrate to you something I experience, and a game I feel I must play in order to get along and not upset anyone. Can’t be responsible for causing any waves, you know. Because that’s what I do. I hide the Bipolar the best of my ability. Hopefully, tomorrow I’ve bounced back, but I could also plummet and spiral down. Way, way down.

Therefore:

Photo 1 will show you how I really feel today.

Photo 2 shows how I’m practicing the look of someone who feels okay. I need to look okay, you see.

Photo 3 shows a relatively happy looking me. And for today, a complete and utter fraud.