Struggling

So, here was my concern when setting up this blog and sharing thoughts, starting conversations, posting what works for others and myself, posting interesting information and research done regarding Bipolar Disorder – a myriad of thoughts and ideas. What I dreaded was, and is, what the hell to post on these days of “struggle.” I call it struggle because I am not full-on depressed. Yet. I’m having to work at not sinking deeper. I “took the day off” today. No doctor appointments. No paying bills. No looking at the mail. I slept quite a bit today. Now, that’s probably also due to the tremendous physical pain I am in and the medication I took for that pain. (Lower Lumbar Fused, Arthritis, Fibromyalgia and feet and shoulder plagued with Tendonitis.) More to come on all of that mess in future entries. I have the feeling of “wanting to go home.” I have this thought, and have even said it aloud, when I’m down. That’s a symptom of mine to which I should pay attention, because within a day, I could be struggling to function at the most basic of levels.

So, like I said, I dreaded when these days (and worse) would arrive. What would I write?

I decided go with what it looks like for me to try to fool you. The tricking of you into thinking I’m okay when I am so not okay. Now, I know I cannot speak for everyone, but I do know so many people with Bipolar do what I’m about to show you in these simple photos. I cannot tell you how many times I have had to do this at family, church or friend meetings and get-togethers.

This is an easy way to demonstrate to you something I experience, and a game I feel I must play in order to get along and not upset anyone. Can’t be responsible for causing any waves, you know. Because that’s what I do. I hide the Bipolar the best of my ability. Hopefully, tomorrow I’ve bounced back, but I could also plummet and spiral down. Way, way down.

Therefore:

Photo 1 will show you how I really feel today.

Photo 2 shows how I’m practicing the look of someone who feels okay. I need to look okay, you see.

Photo 3 shows a relatively happy looking me. And for today, a complete and utter fraud.

 

10 thoughts on “Struggling

  1. Jen, your honesty is so refreshingly honest…I look at pictures of myself in family gatherings …I have a smile, I look fine…inside I always felt disjointed and cut off from everyone . Bipolar is a disorder , or disease if you prefer , of lies. Bipolar lies to our brains , and we lie about how we feel to keep our families from seeing our pain and disjointed selfs

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    1. Agreed. 100% I’m taking more steps, and quite frankly risks, by sharing with my close family/close friends circle. That is going mostly okay. Okay’ish??!! Lol! We shall see how the blog does. Thank you for stopping by and commenting.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I haven’t come to terms with letting close family and friends in just yet. I’m scared that they will just think I’m being dumb… which they have before. Baby steps but I will get there. You’re welcome! Lovely post!

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  2. I love this post as it hits how so many of us feel. I often feel a fraud and put on a ‘brave face’ but I’ve learned the hard way that this seems to accelerate my downward spiral. It’s hard but I’m better off in the long run if I’m at least honest to myself. Having said that no-one in real life knows I have this blog and I want to keep it that way for a while at least.

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  3. I have a hard time hiding my feelings. My Mom can usually hear it in my voice. She’s older so I try not to burden her so much. She’s been worried for me for 24 years since my thyroid ca diagnosis. Then in my fourties with my bipolar diagnosis, so its been a long time for her. She gives me sound advice and keeps me in check when I’m off about thing. I have a good therapist, her name is Mom.

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  4. because of stigma and the demads of “normalcy,” we’ve trained ourselves to hide pain, to hide being unwell. it takes a lot to reprogram ourselves and give ourselves permission to articulate and express what we’re really feeling. no more hiding.

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