So, here was my concern when setting up this blog and sharing thoughts, starting conversations, posting what works for others and myself, posting interesting information and research done regarding Bipolar Disorder – a myriad of thoughts and ideas. What I dreaded was, and is, what the hell to post on these days of “struggle.” I call it struggle because I am not full-on depressed. Yet. I’m having to work at not sinking deeper. I “took the day off” today. No doctor appointments. No paying bills. No looking at the mail. I slept quite a bit today. Now, that’s probably also due to the tremendous physical pain I am in and the medication I took for that pain. (Lower Lumbar Fused, Arthritis, Fibromyalgia and feet and shoulder plagued with Tendonitis.) More to come on all of that mess in future entries. I have the feeling of “wanting to go home.” I have this thought, and have even said it aloud, when I’m down. That’s a symptom of mine to which I should pay attention, because within a day, I could be struggling to function at the most basic of levels.
So, like I said, I dreaded when these days (and worse) would arrive. What would I write?
I decided go with what it looks like for me to try to fool you. The tricking of you into thinking I’m okay when I am so not okay. Now, I know I cannot speak for everyone, but I do know so many people with Bipolar do what I’m about to show you in these simple photos. I cannot tell you how many times I have had to do this at family, church or friend meetings and get-togethers.
This is an easy way to demonstrate to you something I experience, and a game I feel I must play in order to get along and not upset anyone. Can’t be responsible for causing any waves, you know. Because that’s what I do. I hide the Bipolar the best of my ability. Hopefully, tomorrow I’ve bounced back, but I could also plummet and spiral down. Way, way down.
Photo 1 will show you how I really feel today.
Photo 2 shows how I’m practicing the look of someone who feels okay. I need to look okay, you see.
Photo 3 shows a relatively happy looking me. And for today, a complete and utter fraud.