Not in a Box, Not with a Fox…I Do Not Like this BP, Sam… I Do Not Like It, Sam I Am…

Simple enough blog entry. Cannot pull it together today. Not with extra sleep, trying a movie and a book that interests me, stretching and light exercises, or planning Good things for tomorrow. Nothing has helped. I feel apathetic and tired, though not sleepy. I am dealing with flushing doctor-prescribed steroids out of my system on top of it all. Doesn’t mix well with my Bipolar. Have heard the same from many.

So, what I wanna know… Do you allow yourself to call it quits? Recognize that it’s just not gonna happen today? Like, I’m going to crash in my favorite chair with my #1 blanket, eat the bare minimum, drink a Dr. Pepper, and call it DOA. A crap day from moment one. I tried, but I allow myself to give now. Then let out a huge sigh of relief…

Is that dangerous territory? Do you think that’s acceptable? Do you think you can safely do so without causing possible troubles for tomorrow? How do you know if you’re headed to point-of-no-return-depression-land?

Thanks & good luck peeps. ✌✌✌

Even with the Pain, You Gotta Live…

So, my friend is moving back to Texas. She will still live five or six hours from where I’m living, but I’ll still be able to see her more often. This is wonderful, because this person is family. She helped me through so many good times and bad. She was a friend when I hardly had any, due to my family situation at home. She knew that my step-father was, at best, rude and crude, and at worst, violent. Yet she still came to my home. Years later she would help me move my  belongings cross-country because my hideous ex-husband threw all of my things out on the lawn and had moved on with another woman. I can tell you for certain I would NOT have survived that incident without her. There are many memories and lessons learned and even a few tough times she and I had to work our way through so as to keep our friendship. I’m so lucky she’s been in my life whatsoever, and I hope I’ve helped her just as much.

This caused me to think about several things, but mostly that I don’t have many relationships of any sort in my life right now, and that’s mostly because I’m not putting myself out there. I’m not trying.

The point of this is to say, I’m so happy she’ll be back soon. It got me to thinking about things that make Bipolar bearable. Straight away, these are the things that first come to mind. Things that can lead me, inspire me, help me remember…whatever I need to start moving. An emotional move that needs to take place. Emotional efforts. Emotional chances. Sometimes, I believe I fall into not taking on these emotional issues because I want to remain steady and not rock the boat. Not feel any new pain, any new hurts. But the not putting myself out there, the lack of trying, is actually helping the Bipolar defeat me, and I will not accept that.

So what helps me? What drives me? What is realistic? What is not? Can I set up proper time management. Do I have a Plan B. I was taught that by a therapist over and over. Always have a Plan B. (Sometimes, I have a C.)

What is important and healthy for me?

God, good friends, family, writing, listening to music, dancing around for a few minutes in a locked room with only the cat to watch me and think of me as foolish, previously mentioned cat, art, books, learning, nature, people to discuss books with and attending Bible studies. How can I incorporate some of this into my life, because I’ve figured out that without planning or meaning to, I’ve become mostly isolated. Thus, it’s time to go to work.

These are things I have planned. If I don’t manage all of them, I’m not going to call it failing. Rather, if I accomplish some of this, I’ll put a huge check mark in the win column. Joining a book club, finding a church that has an evening service (because I sleep so little it’s hard for me to make morning church services) volunteering for CASA and going back to school with hybrid/online classes. I’ve got to be around people, and I must use my mind.

Additionally, I must feel emotions. Feelings that don’t come just because of how my brain chemistry works that day, but out-in-the-world, real-life feelings. Even if there are a few bad feelings with the good. I’ve got to live a life. I must learn to navigate and build friendships, and fall on my face, and attend class on a day when I feel like hell.

I’ve got to live a life. Otherwise, even if I feel somewhat stable, it’s a stability I feel while shut away from the world. No. Just no.

blog ag and me collage

 

What gets you going? Is there something you need to do? Are you living a full life, according to your terms? Are you struggling with any of this? Found things that help? Advice or feedback?

Would ALWAYS love to hear from you guys.

Your Opinion?

You there! Yes, you lucky son of a gun with Bipolar, or you the family member, or friend! Do you think of Bipolar as a “disorder” only, or are you feeling a good word to describe Bipolar is also “disease?” I gotta say, looking at definitions (which I’m going to post) and based on how I feel it affects my life, I think of Bipolar as a disease.

Thoughts, please?

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