So yeah, I lost a couple of days. Little to no memories.
I remember last week starting to feel anxious and paranoid Wednesday or Thursday. I know Friday my family and I went to dinner and a movie. There was one thing that triggered me apparently, and it was just a simple joking around and playing around kind of thing with my son accidentally hitting the car window with his arm. I jolted. Like lightning struck my brain and every nerve ending was ablaze. I don’t know what happened exactly but I went somewhere. In my mind kind of somewhere. I can’t tell you where, but I have some guesses. There are periods of time in my past that involve abuse. Anyway, during the one hour drive home, I had totally changed.
When I got home I was ranting and raving and at one point started throwing things. I remember starting to yell a little bit and from there I do not know. Apparently I cleaned up my mess, and apologized, and went to bed, rather I tried to go to bed. I didn’t get any sleep that was restful, helpful or beneficial. In fact, I woke up incredibly anxious and paranoid after five or ten minute sleep bouts. I cried. I was convinced someone was trying to kill my cat.
Finally after several PRN meds, I fell asleep for a few hours.
I felt certain we were on a trip to the nearest mental health hospital on Saturday. However, I managed to make it through, while staying home. I took medicine and slept as best I could. I was just trying to rest and survive. It was just that drowsy, medicated, exhausting & trying to calm down kind of day. Horrible. I don’t remember anything that I did, or my family did. Don’t recall eating. Think I missed my nightly meds. God only knows, truly, as well as people who are subject to these kinds of situations and issues. If you’re not one of them, there’s no way for you to understand how lucky you are.
This is now 10 o’clock-ish on Sunday night and just now starting to feel back to my healthy and better self. We will see what tomorrow brings. That is always a fear, because I don’t know if tomorrow will find joy and productivity, or if for some reason I experience what I’ve had the last couple days. I never know.
I pray tomorrow finds me even better.
That’s always the prayer. Always the hope.