Flying and Hiding

In the eternal and internal struggle of Fight vs Flight…today, I went the way of the birds and flew.

I drove to My Hiding Place, stayed there awhile, and now home at 6:30 under blankets. Have also become physically ill, as I tend to do when having gone through a difficult situation. Fibromyalgia flare-ups and much more.

So. Tired.

A beautiful place to hide, though, even when it’s about to rain.

Prayer for UK & Love

So…I was gonna write about feeling somewhat down.

Then, I saw and read of the tragedy in Manchester, and instead I hugged my son and prayed. Prayers for victims, family of victims and lost members being searched for, prayers for the singing artist, prayers for first responders and medical staff, prayers for Manchester, UK.

Gonna mention some blessings in my life for which I’m thankful. A husband who is a chaplain for a hospice, a son who makes me laugh, a mom who can make me giggle, an orange tabby who loves snuggling & playing fetch, the trees outside, three cardinal families this year, unexpected cards in the mail from friends, and books.

Again, just thank you, Lord, and please be with Manchester, and help our world know more love, more You.


Days Lost

So yeah, I lost a couple of days. Little to no memories.

I remember last week starting to feel anxious and paranoid Wednesday or Thursday. I know Friday my family and I went to dinner and a movie. There was one thing that triggered me apparently, and it was just a simple joking around and playing around kind of thing with my son accidentally hitting the car window with his arm. I jolted. Like lightning struck my brain and every nerve ending was ablaze. I don’t know what happened exactly but I went somewhere. In my mind kind of somewhere. I can’t tell you where, but I have some guesses. There are periods of time in my past that involve abuse. Anyway, during the one hour drive home, I had totally changed.


When I got home I was ranting and raving and at one point started throwing things. I remember starting to yell a little bit and from there I do not know. Apparently I cleaned up my mess, and apologized, and went to bed, rather I tried to go to bed. I didn’t get any sleep that was restful, helpful or beneficial. In fact, I woke up incredibly anxious and paranoid after five or ten minute sleep bouts. I cried. I was convinced someone was trying to kill my cat.

Finally after several PRN meds, I fell asleep for a few hours.

I felt certain we were on a trip to the nearest mental health hospital on Saturday. However, I managed to make it through, while staying home. I took medicine and slept as best I could. I was just trying to rest and survive. It was just that drowsy, medicated, exhausting & trying to calm down kind of day.  Horrible. I don’t remember anything that I did, or my family did. Don’t recall eating. Think I missed my nightly meds. God only knows, truly, as well as people who are subject to these kinds of situations and issues. If you’re not one of them, there’s no way for you to understand how lucky you are.

This is now 10 o’clock-ish on Sunday night and just now starting to feel back to my healthy and better self. We will see what tomorrow brings. That is always a fear, because I don’t know if tomorrow will find joy and productivity, or if for some reason I experience what I’ve had the last couple days. I never know.

Never. Know.

I pray tomorrow finds me even better.

That’s always the prayer. Always the hope.

STIGMA & HYPOCRISY…just wanted to help kids

I’m quite down tonight. Have been since yesterday when CASA wouldn’t have me as a volunteer…”because my life mirrors the kiddos who need help, and I might be triggered.” My Bipolar Disorder wasn’t looked upon with favor, either. Again… “You might be triggered.”

Let me say, it’s a consistent thing I’ve dealt with for…for forever basically, just like others with Bipolar Disorder.

I know how to handle myself, and when to ask for help from my support team.

My background and current “disorder” would actually enable me to connect well with children.

Instead, I miss out. Someone I could’ve helped misses out. Stigma and hypocrisy still breed and thrive, even in the last places you’d expect to find them.