The Path Home, In Spite of the Pain

I will fight, and then I will go Home.

I know now more than ever that Bipolar Disorder is a disease. Having caught a glimpse today of what I used to be, I know Bipolar has indeed waged war upon me, and I have taken a lot of bloody blows. If it were an actual boxing match, it would have been different in two ways.

1. The towel would’ve been thrown in years ago, for my protection and safety.

2. There would have been a definitive moment when the fight was to end. 

As it stands, I am not throwing in the towel, and I know I will fight this battle until the day I die.

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I find a certain comfort in that, however. At least I know what I’m up against, and at least I know when it will end.

(Even if it’s not an ideal plan, I like having me a plan, folks!)

I’m just reminded of things Paul experienced and shared. Thorn in his side. Endurance. Running towards that finish line, and spending eternity in such an unfathomable beautiful miracle of a home with Jesus.

I’m going to beat this thing and win, despite daily struggles. I will not allow anything here (a temporary home) to keep me from joining my God, my Christian family, and loved ones in Heaven.

I know this world can be uncomfortable, unpleasant, with longings for something more. Do you know when I’m down and out with mental health issues or chronic pain, I say to myself (and most always out loud) “I want to go home.”

I will do my part as God directs me here, and then have an eternity without pain, only incomprehensible love, warmth, peace and joy.

I will fight, and then I will go Home. Thank You and Praise You, Jesus.

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Drugs and Bipolar, Carrie Fisher

“It only takes one bad day in a lifetime of trying to make it through each day, one at a time.”Jen Curry

Carrie Fisher’s daughter, Billie Lourd, quoted below as saying this about her mother, who struggled with alcohol and drugs since age 13, and was later diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.

“My mom battled drug addiction and mental illness her entire life,” Lourd said in a statement to People magazine. “She ultimately died of it.  She was purposefully open in all of her work about the social stigmas surrounding these diseases.

How many times will we hear this exact scenario (minus being in Star Wars, donning fabulous bikinis)?

I am so angry about these illnesses, and still heartbroken.

This could be me.

This could be my son.

After all, if it takes Princess Leia down, seems it can strangle anyone…only takes one bad day in a lifetime of trying to make it through each day, one at a time.

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Vulnerability to Certain Drama?

As a person dealing with Bipolar, Anxiety, Depression…anything along those mental health lines…do you find you must be careful what you watch?

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I do. (I do this with music sometimes, too.) Anyway, I recently learned this when watching Showtime’s Homeland, and The Handmaid’s Tale – the Hulu original series adaptation.

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I couldn’t help it. Both shows just sucked me in and wouldn’t let go. (A heck of a lot of other people too, I might add.)

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I think I’m drawn to characters who are trapped, or at least very much restricted, in what they can do in their personal lives – following their own moral compass, their own decision making rights, and loving those they choose.

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I can obsess about these types of things for hours, sometimes days. So, I’m careful, but sometimes these shows, with the feelings they bring to the forefront, well, they kick my ass.

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Father’s Day…No Snazzy Title

So today… Yeah, today was Father’s Day. Emotional.

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I don’t necessarily think that the heightened, amplified emotions that come with Bipolar make this day any better, or any worse. Whatever your relationship with your father is indeed your unique relationship, or lack thereof.

So with a confused mind and fickle heart, I wish my father, passed away some 25 years or so, a remembrance on this Father’s Day.

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Dad, stepmom, sisters

 

 

 

Forgive, Live and Love

I’ve been thinking and praying.

To start with, I feel like I am a funny, intelligent, loyal, decent human being. I feel like I’m a good mom and wife, though I know that like most of us, I could improve. I’m a good friend. I think I’m a good daughter, even though that’s been a long, rocky relationship.

That word I just used, though. “Rocky.” I was thinking tonight and wondering why I have a few of those rocky relationships that don’t seem to get resolved over time. Problems begin that are not necessarily huge, outlandish arguments that completely sever ties, but are powerful enough to cause a lot of mixed emotions that just compound over time. We go along weary of saying something wrong to each other and causing hurt feelings, but then because we’re not talking, our feelings are hurt in that way.

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I think what I’ve figured out is this. I don’t kindly, yet firmly, insist that when the initial problem arises, that is fully and completely settled then and there. Now of course, not 100% of a misunderstandings will be settled and put to bed at the immediate onset. Time is needed to think and settle, and both parties have to be willing to sit down and speak to one another from the heart. Instead of years worth of misunderstandings, avoiding the other, blaming the other, and/or blaming myself, it is my hope in the future to settle things early on, instead of trying to just get out of dodge when it first comes up, with mixed emotions flying all around me, and nothing truly being put to bed with peace and forgiveness found.

In the beginning, when I try to duck and hide, I say some stuff I want to say, though probably not in the best manner, and honestly afterward, I more often than not run away. There is no closure.

Now, I am a big believer in how receptive the person on the other end of the line is, depending on what I choose to say and how I choose to say it. However, if things aren’t settled sooner rather than later, bad memories/thoughts come to the surface any old time they want to, and I experience the same sadness I did when it all first took place.

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I need to put my heart on the line in the beginning, ask how I can better our relationship, and share what I need as well. I need to discuss and sort, with respect to what each person can handle at that time, and feel forgiven and that I’ve forgiven them, and that we’re still loving family and friends and are moving forward.

Happily.

Peacefully.

Lovingly.

Because I don’t know about anyone else, but I feel uneasy and sad. I want things to be better. I want to do better, and I want others to treat me in the same way. However, over time, if I try to chip away at it with gestures that are not reciprocated or misread, it causes even more pain, and honestly, things get all jumbled up like a ball of yarn you’re trying to roll back into place after the cat destroyed it. Sometimes you give up on that yarn and trash it.

I need to settle up at the beginning, so to speak, and put it to an end. I need to respect my boundaries and those of others, but I cannot go on dragging things out over long periods of time, all the while feeling angry, unloved, undervalued, insignificant, and somehow making the other party feel hurt, followed by a brief time of peace, and then boom!!! we are back where we started.

I need to say and do what I need to say and do in the beginning, because after all, I believe that most people want to get along with others and love them. I believe most people have good hearts and that they do the best they can with what they know at the time. I believe people can misread each other, that folks have bad days, and that as I misunderstand them, they misunderstand me. When I mentioned above that at times I feel anger…come on folks, really and truly, what is anger at its core?

Pain.

Hurt.

 

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I believe if all involved would try to remember these things and just speak from their heart with honesty and without pointing out blame on the other side (the other person) that there could be such peace and love instead of confusion and heartbreak. Most importantly, even if the other person doesn’t do, think, and feel as I just mentioned, as long as I act and love in that way, at least I can know I tried. Maybe later down imaginary roads, forgiveness and peace can be found. Time runs out so fast, though. So fast.

Tomorrow is Father’s Day, and I lost my dad about 25 years ago. So yeah I know, my sisters know, my stepmom knows, that time runs out so fast. And when that time runs out, I don’t want anything left unsaid, and I don’t want someone wondering if I loved them, or not. I do. I really do care for the people in my life. I just hurt, and that blasted pain gets in the way. Happens to most of us, I assume.

I hope to forgive and be forgiven. In the end, it is truly that simple. Maybe I’ll get my courage up to make a phone call or two tomorrow.

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