Time and Mazes

Earlier tonight, I was concerned why I hadn’t heard from friends or family in a couple of weeks. I screamed at myself, “What did you do! Stupid! Useless!”

I looked at the dates/times of text conversations, emails, Messenger, etc. I realized I have, in fact, recently communicated with these people, the very ones I felt I had upset. The very ones I legitimately thought had not been interested in talking. As I mentioned, I approximated two weeks of no communication, not two days, which was the most amount of time had elapsed since I heard from them. Two days felt like two weeks.

I feel time creep by, and that description doesn’t do it justice. No where near close. Time can slip away from me, and quite fast. Yet during every hour of this time, every minute even, feelings and emotions are so intense and amplified, I would swear to you there are a thousand years of mazes and deep waters to work my way through just to get on to the next minute, the next hour, all the while trying to make my way through the maze.

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What’s at the end? I don’t know. I haven’t made it yet.

Times Two – x 2

Hey. So yeah, since we last spoke ~

I was up for a couple of days in a row, had a really bad fall, had to take meds for the fall, found out we are relocating due to my husband’s employer, visited the city to which we are moving, became violently ill – like a flu amped up times 5 in a weekend, kinda ill. All of that in a span of five or six days.

Now, we’re back home…or…what?…this now temporary home…that I love…that I’m leaving soon.

Damn.

Anyway, I’m overwhelmed, but I do believe that in my personal experience, it proves what I have thought to be true, at least for me. Bipolar episodes of depression, mania, or a mixed state, lead to physical ailments. Those in turn lead to mental health difficulties…cycle, round and round…all that.

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/bipolar-laid-bare/2016/09/bipolar-disorder-is-linked-to-chronic-pain/

A blog on pyschcentral, by LaRae LaBouff agrees.

By the way, I suffer from Fibromyalgia, Arthritis and Migraines, all mentioned in the article.

I feel too sick to expand. Just some thoughts.

Peace. ✌🙏

Addition: Since I wrote this about an hour ago, something’s been bothering me. I’ve felt unsettled. I know why now. It’s this house. House, I will miss. House I like. Not home. Home is family and love. Happiness, peace and The Lord. So, when we move, I leave a house, and move my home.

88 mph, Flux Capacitors & Sleep (or lack thereof)

Yo! Bipolar Peeps, Insomniacs, or any other Human Being on the planet Earth who has had trouble sleeping… how long do you lie there in bed in hopes of ultimately sleeping? I know that at least our bodies are having a rest. However, truth be told on my part, the longer I lie there, so I can “at least rest,” my mind becomes more and more activated. The random, racing thoughts, or even worse, the darker, obsessive thoughts, are kicked into hyperactive mode. Picture “Back to the Future” and the Flux Capacitor, hitting 88 mph, and BOOM!

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Anywho, I find it quite difficult, this juggling act. Trying to balance the scales and achieving enough “rest” even if I don’t sleep. Worse still, when the doc tells me no naps, even when I haven’t slept in 20 hours… pfffft! If I’m lucky enough to feel sleepy, (sleepy and tired are two different animals…or dwarves was it, 🤔 I can’t recall) I’m taking the nap.

Anyway, how long do you give it before you just get up and get on with things?

The “Dependence” Part

On this Independence Day, I am thankful for our freedoms and liberties that we must earn and share. I am thankful for those who have served in some way, as well as those who will. There are many ways to serve.

I’m also focusing on Dependence. I’m Depending on God to guide me along and help pull me through some struggles. I’m Depending on family and friends.

I’m recognizing independence can be found in being Dependent.

14 Reasons in the Wrong Direction

I don’t even know what to type. Struggling tonight. I went outside to water the flowers I’m growing, and it hit me I might have to leave this home, and soon. I’m just sad. Not necessarily anxious, just sad. I know that when I began this blog, I said I would try to chronicle the ups and downs, depression and mania, as well as anxiety and occasional paranoia. So, I’m here. I’m chronicling. I’m talking. I just have nothing to say. I’m sad. I’m feeling the whole…”it’s not fair” gig. I’m trying my best to follow the 14 coping techniques I mentioned in the last entry, but honestly, right now I could write a whopping 114 reasons why I should give up. 114 reasons why life’s not fair. Look, I know these are feelings, not facts. I know I’ll get better. I know there are silver linings and that God has a plan. But speaking in truth, I’m just plain old sad right now. And even more honest… I’m somewhat angry.

Just keep swimming. What can I say? Dory is a smart fish.

finding-dory-movie

14 Reasons Why I’m Not Freaking

So…yucky news. My husband is being laid-off, end of July. So, the search is on for positions here where we now live, and the company (nationwide) is searching out relocation options. So far there have been two pop up on the radar.

blog stress 1

I do love it here. The spacious house. The birds. The deer. The large yard. The river. The slower-paced community. However, we will have to make difficult decisions soon. Stay here and gamble, hoping he finds a new job ASAP, or accept one of the relocation offers. We just moved here last year.It would be the second move in a year’s time. Additionally, what about my mother who lives with us now. She can hardly walk after the surgeries and is about as good as she’s going to get physically speaking. A senior community or assisted living might be in her future. Her near future. Additionally, it would most likely be best that I put my two upcoming operations on hold for now.

So, how the heck am I staying calm even though I’m a very emotional and anxious creature?

blog stress 2

  1. Prayer and trust in Jesus – we have been here before and He took care of us.
  2. Listening to soothing music and white-noise type sounds.
  3. Going to make an appointment with my therapist.
  4. Finding silver linings, such as my son having more kids to hang out with (this is mostly a retirement community and that’s been rough on him).
  5. Not allowing myself to sleep during the days and give in to what could easily become depression.
  6. Distraction (mostly artsy type stuffs).
  7. Mindfulness, which includes prayer.
  8. Movement…just continuing to move by doing things like stretching exercises.
  9. Planning – looking at the relocation cities and what they “have to offer” such as neighborhoods, rent, cost of living…getting some answers instead of wondering about everything, which would spike that anxiety. I like having a Plan B.
  10. I have good friends who listen and sometimes offer advice.
  11. Perspective. None of us is dead, you know?
  12. Breathing exercises.
  13. Not borrowing trouble. I will have to face it when it is time anyway. No need to waste energy now.
  14. I do have PRN medication for anxiety if needed, but not so far.

I am sure I have forgotten some things, or will “employ” more as I go, but that is what is helping now. I feel pretty stable. I’m hanging in there.

 

blog stress 4

I have rather a good feeling about it just now. We shall see what is in store.