Goodbye Friend xo

I need to say something more than what I’ve said here, or express it more eloquently, but I just can’t right now.

I lost a friend of 10 years.

I met her through an online support group, as she and I both have Bipolar Disorder. Today, I’ve just found out she died while sleeping on August 15, 2017. There was no immediate, obvious answer why, so more testing is being done to figure out the cause of death.

She had attempted suicide at least three times prior that I know of, and apparently was drinking some again recently, constantly struggling with sobriety. That, mixed with her medication, and maybe she accidentally took a bad combo. She also seemed to be physically ill quite a lot, often times doctors couldn’t give reasons why. She and I bonded over that pain as well.

My hope and prayer is she fell asleep peacefully and went on to life after hers here on earth and is no longer hurting. You can call it struggle, or something in need of management, several terms and descriptions, but bottom line, she was hurting.

That’s the only good thing…she is not hurting now.

But I’m disappointed in myself because I had to detach myself from my friend in this past couple of years because we mirrored each other so much, and I felt we often brought each other down even further than we had been feeling when we’d first begun a chat. And I was worried she would eventually succeed with suicidal attempts and felt I couldn’t handle it. That sounds so selfish. I made it a point to speak and catch up every few months, and send cards on holidays, etc. But I feel I let her down.

I’m just shattered. Actually, not the final result of being shattered, but the cracking, splintering, ripping parts that combine as a whole to register you down and out…shattered.

She was caring, loving, generous, and loved her cat Millie. She encouraged many people on the online support group, even when she felt low. And she could be wickedly funny. I’m going to post a photo of Millie. I don’t want to post a photo of my friend without family consent. I never even met my friend in person, as she lives on the other side of the world.

Lived.Β 

Reach out, folks. Either ask, “Do you need help? How can I help you?” Or reach out and say, “Please, I need help.”

Hug and love the people in your lives, guys.

My long-time friend, R, I pray you are dancing in delight, and am glad you’re relieved of the burden.

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Much love, strength and “peach.” (Inside joke.) But I certainly wish you peace along with the “peach.” I will smile when thinking of you. πŸ’™πŸ’™πŸ’™

 

 

10 thoughts on “Goodbye Friend xo

  1. You must work to accept there is no cause for guilt. You did nothing wrong, and the only way you could have let her down was to enable unhealthy patterns of behaviour. Right now, grief is raw, but it will get better. There are so many good things to remember as well as the painful ones. And yes, we live with the curse of this illness, but for me there’s a silver lining. It brought me you and R. Despite all the anguish and struggle, I’ve been granted the gift of the most precious friendships of my life. Love you for that.

    Liked by 1 person

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