On Why I Am Suicidal

Possible Trigger:

Why I am suicidal ~~~

First, people need to understand, many who struggle with being suicidal, don’t have a bad day, a bad week, even a bad month with suicidal ideation, then poof!! it’s gone. It is always there.

Good days, still suicidal.

Bad days, you guessed it…..

The problem is that, at least for me personally, it’s viewed as an *option* that will eliminate the pain. Never mind hurting family, and children having higher percentages of suicide after a parent does so.

It feels like an option. Just like therapy, meditation and grounding, and medication.

If it gets too bad, I can always swallow all those pills and at least a half dozen other ways to successfully, ultimately be done with this.

“This,” you ask. Yes, THIS.

This pain, this battle, this heartbreak.

So, I can have THE best day and at its end, in the quiet, I still think, “You know, that’s one way I could commit suicide, it’s not too messy, and seems doable.” Then, automatically, it’s locked away. Saved on the hard drive.

Scarier than that? It usually no longer upsets me when I think about it. It is a part of me.

I wonder if it will ever feel like a foreign and dangerous idea.

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Pic for Today (trying to snap selfie with each blog entry)