On Why I Am Suicidal

Possible Trigger:

Why I am suicidal ~~~

First, people need to understand, many who struggle with being suicidal, don’t have a bad day, a bad week, even a bad month with suicidal ideation, then poof!! it’s gone. It is always there.

Good days, still suicidal.

Bad days, you guessed it…..

The problem is that, at least for me personally, it’s viewed as an *option* that will eliminate the pain. Never mind hurting family, and children having higher percentages of suicide after a parent does so.

It feels like an option. Just like therapy, meditation and grounding, and medication.

If it gets too bad, I can always swallow all those pills and at least a half dozen other ways to successfully, ultimately be done with this.

“This,” you ask. Yes, THIS.

This pain, this battle, this heartbreak.

So, I can have THE best day and at its end, in the quiet, I still think, “You know, that’s one way I could commit suicide, it’s not too messy, and seems doable.” Then, automatically, it’s locked away. Saved on the hard drive.

Scarier than that? It usually no longer upsets me when I think about it. It is a part of me.

I wonder if it will ever feel like a foreign and dangerous idea.


Pic for Today (trying to snap selfie with each blog entry)

12 thoughts on “On Why I Am Suicidal

  1. Oh honey, my heart breaks hearing this. You always say the nicest things to people and I find it hard to find the right words. Just know I am listening and praying for you. I am here if you need me to listen. I don’t judge and am a great listener. Just keep that in your mind if ever you wanna talk.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I get it. Albert Camus: “There is but one truly serious philosophical problem, and that is suicide. Judging whether life is or is not worth living amounts to answering the fundamental question of philosophy. All the rest — whether or not the world has three dimensions, whether the mind has nine or twelve categories — comes afterwards. These are games; one must first answer. ”
    And I know yours is not a philosophical question, but maybe it is, if you think about it. I hate it when I tell someone about my suicide idealization. They get all teary with a worried look and they feel they MUST say or do something to change my mind. There’s nothing they can do or say. This a default mind-set I seem to have adopted and I don’t think it’s such a big deal. It’s a viable option to the problem of life and we should be able to discuss it reasonably and calmly. Maybe there’s something to be learned here if we can open up to the idea. Don’t push it away as a nasty too dark place and don’t smooth it over with encouraging sympathetic stroking words. That’s EXACTLY why we need to talk openly, because it’s nasty and dark and we need to see the boogeymen man under the bed. Cast light on it and come at it swinging our sword of truth. Then if suicide turns out to be our truth, so be it and I will face the darkness with eyes wide and nerves of steel and maybe a smile of readiness. If not, then I live another day. Every damn day I make this decision when I wake up…Live another day or not? But I have an exit plan in my back pocket if not. Well, I’ve rambled on, but this is a topic I’ve done a lot of studying on. I used to answer the phones for a suicide hotline. I’ve read books on the topic. I’ve stood on a bridge at 1am and that is an experience worth having. To put your toe over the edge staring into the dark waters below and know that only a 1/2 inch and a single thought separates me from this world and the next. Everything becomes crystal clear in the moment and I appreciate life like I never have before. Ooops..ramble ramble. Good luck. Keep writing. Stay strong.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. we all struggle with it. and has been said, ideation becomes a part of us. i think what most who don’t struggle with ideation don’t understand is that every single day is a battle for us. and sometimes, honestly, it’s overwhelming. one gets so sick and tired of being sick and tired. sometimes it feels there’s nothing left to rally. no more resources to enjoin the struggle. and that’s what friends are for – to lend you their strength and hope until you can rebuild your reserves. but that’s not something that happens overnight. sometimes, we’re just hurting. but for you? reach out, okay? and i know i have to do the same.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Jen, I understand as many many days, sometimes several times some days I think of ways to end my up and down life. I get so damned tired of it all. I guess in the end my faith must keep me alive…the glimpse of hope, of heaven and the fear that I may not see it if try to take God’s place in the final decision of my life.

    I do not doubt God is loving and forgiving and that friends whose life ended in suicide, may have been met at heaven’s gate by Jesus. I guess I’m just afraid…what if I am wrong, it will be too late. I also get hit with the realization that many others struggle with horrible circumstances in their lives, and they are grateful for what little bit of joy they have. I see these folks and think perhaps my life is not so bad.

    Keep in mind I’m writing this comment after going thru a period of deep depression recently. These days, I’m feeling pretty good, though I have much I could feel horrible about if I thought about everything I have facing me in the coming weeks, months and years.

    I want to thank you for your honesty about suicide. So many feel it should never be discussed, and that is the problem… I will continue to pray you have strength to deal with all life brings you. I believe your faith is strong and that you have a support system around you. If ever I can help, message me. Not sure you have my new phone number? If you want it send me a FB pm. I hope you have better days soon my dear.

    Liked by 2 people

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