Give and Take Should Actually Include the Give

I am so alone, so without hope, so far down, so gone. And no one knows because they don’t care. I can sugar coat it and say folks are busy, but truth is, when something is important to you, you make the time. I’m always there. Always trying. Always keeping in touch.

I’m trying so hard for results that I fear I will not see.

How long must a person suffer before they are allowed to say, “Hey, I gave it my absolute best, and now, I let it go.”

Am I destined to reach the point of destruction? My own personal, agonizing ground zero?

What is it I have done that others have not also done in spades? Why do I long for absolution and forgiveness when it seems fairly obvious no one would hurt if I were to cease all of my efforts? Like all of the slack, understanding and forgiveness I extend?

It is difficult to tell exactly how much a depressive state in a Bipolar cycle influences how I feel about how the other issues are going in my life. Perhaps it is something different, though.

Perhaps, at least sometimes, it is the exact opposite. Perhaps, the way I’m treated (or not treated) brings about the depressive state and continues to feed it as if it were trying to satiate the “black dog,” as depression is so often termed.

I really am tired. Not a good situation. I am not in a safe place. I think God, myself and this tablet and keyboard are the only ones who know that, but not for lack of trying to share on my part.

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Today, if I had not initiated conversations, however brief they were, I only would’ve chatted with my son for a few minutes because he sought me out.

Maybe I should just reciprocate and match what I’m shown…what I’m given. Maybe I should just be done and fade to black.

Maybe it’s too late.

12 thoughts on “Give and Take Should Actually Include the Give

  1. You’re most certainly not alone in your frustration or on the threshold of that unsafe place. I’m afraid I join you there too tonight. It sounds as though you’ve been reaching out today. God, every time I’ve tried, my efforts have manifested in rage. … Sometimes we find ourselves at a loss for words. I am there now. Just know that you do not stand in those shadows alone.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Its never too late Jen, you make a difference in everyone’s life. Apparently they take but not reciprocate. I’m here to tell ya I’m listening. You matter, I am yer Sister in bipolar. We’re DS originals and have seen so much. We’re here for each other and I value our friendship. Xo

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I have felt this so much lately. Even when you have people don’t really have them. They don’t know. They don’t understand. Stay strong. I am Bipolar as weil​l so if you need someone to talk to, there are many of us, and I will always be avaliab​le.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. The tears are brimming in my eyes as I read your blog tonight. I am sorry I have been caught in in my own life and issues, that I failed to stop and read your posts fully. I did as I often do – skim with the intent to read/invest later when I can focus. Unfortunately that “later” can be too late for some struggling with this beast that is bipolar. I am glad I did not wait another minute to let you know how much your friendship means to me. You inspire me with your art, your love for family, devotion to Richard Parker and your ability to keep going thru some stuff over the years that would have broken many. ((((HUGS)))) my friend and YOU are not alone, you have many folks who would greatly miss you if you faded to black. Stay safe, stay in touch. Tonight, I’ll be up awhile if you want to chat.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. You’re never alone, though it may often feel that way. Remember – bipolar is a liar, and an exaggerator. When a situation feels lonely or isolating bipolar amplifies those feelings far beyond what we feel we can handle. Reaching out then, as you have done here, is the most important thing you can do to keep going. (((hugs))) I’m listening.

    Liked by 1 person

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