It’s Really Quite Simple

Everything is right. Is well. Family safe. Getting to know my sister again. Friends and I are talking. Household chores and errands are up to date. My husband’s new job pays a bit more. Mom is able to walk with her walker more often. My cat is health and full of shenanigans. My son is doing outstanding work at school. I’m going on a great trip in Oct.

So… why sad? Not just a little down or blue. Like sobbing, wailing, wanna give up sad.

Because that’s part of Bipolar, and the chemicals that seem delighted in saying, “Nope, not so fast.”

I feel so bad and want it over.

Haircut vs Personal Time

Again, I am left alone. Again!

My son just up and decides he wants a haircut and my husband just up and decides to take him. We were in the middle of watching a mystery show together. I was feeling a little better than I have been in the last few days and few weeks. I was not having any suicidal ideation and my muscles in my back and neck were feeling a little better.

And then they just decide and go. They don’t ask how I feel about it, if it’s okay, if I’m doing all right…..

I just want to go home. I have that feeling of wanting to go home. And as I’ve discussed before in this blog, feeling like I want to go home has been going on ever since I was first diagnosed with Bipolar and my psychotic breakdown in 2004.

I don’t know where that place is, the home for which I ache, because it certainly wasn’t a physical house I grew up in. I just want to go home. And I’m sad and tired and extremely angry now because I’m just ignored and disregarded.

Basically, I’m experiencing a Mixed Episode of Bipolar, and though I can hear myself and read these words that sound nonsensical, I still feel furious and hurt.

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Please, families take care of each other and love each other. Please friends extend a hand and let your friends know you’re with them and you’ll do what you can, even if it’s just listening.

Listening is a huge thing and loving gesture.

Would It Help You to Fly Solo

Do you think its easier on you and your health – both physical and emotional – to live by yourself? If you’ve experienced both, maybe you have thoughts?

I wouldn’t trade my family for anything, but sometimes, I wonder if we had something like connected houses, with me down the hallway in my own wing, would that help.

I should point out, my son who is in his late teens, is also trying to manage Bipolar Disorder just like me, and that makes for an interesting dynamic, not just for he and I, but all of us in our home.

I get lonely quite a bit, so I find it difficult to describe why I think sometimes it might be smarter to live alone.

Does anybody feel me on this? Have any clue what I’m so poorly articulating?

Code Red

If I’m gonna talk the talk, I gotta walk the walk. Something like that…..

I encourage that others, when they feel as I’m about to share, they speak up. Speak loudly. Speak urgently.

So, that’s what I’m doing.

CODE RED.

help

I feel awful, just miserable. Plus angry and sad. Possible mixed episode (Bipolar).

I need help. Not sure what kind even. Just know it’s time I reach out.

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Thanks.

One Reason

So, today is Sept 10, World Suicide Prevention Day.

Clear and simple point – one reason, one thing, one person that stopped me from committing suicide several years back…my son.

I didn’t want him to see me like that. I didn’t want him to wonder why I did it. I didn’t want to increase his chance of committing suicide, as statistics prove would happen. I didn’t want him growing up without his mom.

#every40seconds #WorldSuicidePreventionDaySeptember10 #TalkAboutMentalHealth