Just a Day

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday, and there has been a bit of a med tweak. We’ll see if it helps with what I’m calling a bit of a cognitive fog. One thing I really appreciate about this doctor is how he listens and how he doesn’t want to pump me full of meds, doesn’t think that just meds alone are the answer, and is willing and actually aiming to have as little medication use as possible.

I also ordered my favorite essential oils, both calming and energizing, and ordered some cream that helps with nerve pain, fibromyalgia, arthritis, and the like. That could really impact my life, knocking pain levels down from 8 to 6 or 5, even.

Payday is this upcoming Friday, as is Thor: Ragnarok! So thrilled. IMAX 2D with recliners for seats, and free posters, tickets bought, baby! Have heard great things about this one, and I just love Loki. (Wish Magneto would make a guest appearance, but hey, can’t win them all! Loki is definitely a win!!)

I got to see my dear friend this past weekend and play with her young daughter and her dolls and all things sparkly. I’ll see her again in a few weeks to attend a function another friend is throwing. That will be nice, too, introducing everyone to each other.

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Payday, I’ll also be able to join the gym that will offer the warm pool, arthritic classes, nutritionist and physical therapy massages.

Trying to be good, as they say, do what can help me, as well as my family.

Now, this past weekend I was supposed to attend my sister’s baby shower. There’s a lot of history there. Technically, she’s my half-sister, but she and I have hardly ever had much to do with one another, and that’s due to a whole slew of reasons, some understandable and some not. Some were my wrong-doings, some hers/theirs. Anyway, we had been reconnecting and doing well, and then she and my step-family (sister, mother, etc) suffered a horrific loss of a family member, all too young and early and unnecessary. I cannot fathom their pain. I pray for them nightly. However, at that point, even though I tried, she and I fell out of touch. Well, really and truly, she just flat would not reply to me. About anything. Good stuff. Bad stuff. Questions. Attempts to check in to see how she/they were doing. Silly things. Nothing warranted a response, which I guess is indeed truly a response, even if it makes me sad.

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My Dad. Sometimes, I wish he were alive just so I could slap the shit out of him. Just messes around with the lives of those around him, and up and dies and totally bails, leaving us to wade through unimaginable amounts of crap trying to make sense of it all and come out smelling somewhat okay, even if it’s not exactly the scent of roses. Keep in mind, I know what I just typed is not rational. Emotional as hell, though. It’s how I feel. Often. I have hope I will have relationships with these ladies and their families in the future, but there is that saying about the best indicator of the future being past behavior and actions…or something close to that. I butchered it, but it fits this situation, this family, if anyone besides me even wants to call it that, or hope for that anymore.

You get the point.

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Anyway, I’m trying, which is the best I can do some days. I’m gonna have a sandwich and some Halloween candy and maybe color or watch some tv. And I mean, for Heaven’s sake, people were killed in a terrorist attack today in New York when I was there just a few weeks ago. Things could always be worse. So much worse. And there are always reasons for me to be happy and beyond thankful, which I am, but I think I’m allowed confusion and anger sometimes, too. Anyway, this entry has had no real rhyme or reason. Simply a person with Bipolar logging their last day or two, as I set out to do with this blog.

Peace.

 

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