Every Day

Every. Single. Day. ~ (Trigger Warning)

So, here’s one.

When I wake in the morning, our dog has to go out, not only to do his business, but also to play and run. It makes me smile. He’s fun, and I also love watching the birds and hearing their songs. Fresh air. Watering the lawn. Stuff like that. Then, I also love watching a cooking show, at least one each day, sometimes more. Fascinates me, all they can come up with and demonstrate. I will listen to music or read a book, and I’ll do some adult coloring. Fun stuff. And I feel good in those moments. I truly do. I do stretches and light exercise. I take my meds for Bipolar (and other mental health acronyms) as well as Fibromyalgia and other auto-immune mess. Meds AND vitamins and supplements.

And just as easily as all of that delight comes each day, so does the internal voice in the quieter moments…the one that says, “just swallow all the pills and you’ll be done with it.”

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And honest to God, if it wasn’t for my family and a few friends who would be upset, I’d chug them now instead of writing this.

I think there is a common misconception that a person is suicidal and goes to the nut-hut (as I jokingly, lovingly call it – hey, I’ve been three times, I’ll call it what I want)…where was I? Oh yeah. I think folks think a person gets help and is no longer suicidal, and I know that’s how it is for some. That’s a good deal. I also know there are many like me who are chronically suicidal, even if unseen on the surface.

Understand this, there is a real reason to be suicidal, it just doesn’t always make itself known to those of you without mental health issues because it’s so well hidden. I have years of practice hiding that. If you could see inside of me – my soul, my brain, you’d be horrified. It is quite possible to have a good day and be suicidal.

So, what is my point? Not a lot, really. Just saying that, at least for me, it’s always there. Chug the pills. Find the gun. Car on, garage door shut. Blah, blah. Daily, I tell the instinct, the inner voice, no. But, I often wonder if one day that voice will win.

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10 thoughts on “Every Day

  1. ***tears*** Yes it is something to feel ok and still feel suicidal at the same time . My suicidal thoughts are not overwhelming, or haven’t been for several years anyway. But I always have that niggling feeling in the back of my mind about how tired I am of it all.

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  2. You are not alone in this. I too have those thoughts often, Driving down the road and thinking of running into a bluff or huge tree. Chugging pills again(I’ve done it twice), or slicing an artery…The love I have for my family and a few friends and the realization that my suicide would devastate them stops me. Most of the time though I listen to my inner guide and sometimes I feel the voice of my mom or dad, others it is without question God. The way is clear if I am still and listen.

    Do not get me wrong, the negative crap tries to come through many times a day. I feel like it is Satan trying to lead me to doubt God’s love for me and usually can ask him to leave. Not everyday I must admit does this work for me and I wallow in the pit and sleep, sleep, sleep as much as I can – 16+ hours a day some days .

    I find praying continually thru the day, a constant inner dialogue with God, as well as reading scripture helps keep the suicide thoughts to a minimum. Sorry if this seems rambling. I will send you a pm with a quick update on my past 16 or so hours.

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  3. It’s the voice we live with. The one that’s just as persistent as “You can do this” or “I am worth something” I think the problem is we’ve lived with it for so long we don’t know how to shut it off – it’s become a part of our inner monologue and a part of who we are and some days, you get so sick and tired of being sick and tired. It’s hard fighting the world and yourself all the time. This feels like it needs to be a painting – a normal or whole exterior and an interior with gaps and spaces and gashes and bleeding.

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