Tucked Away

TUCKED AWAY ~ 5.18.18

Don’t most relationships (of any kind) have their ups and downs? Moments we want to hold onto; moments we would prefer to forget?

Sometimes, in writing these blog entries and describing things from a certain point of view, or when I’m in the midst of an episode, it can appear confusing as to how I feel/felt about my loved ones. (Believe me, it’s worse inside my head.) Do you really even have to be Bipolar to understand to some degree what I’m saying? I think so, if people are honest.

Last night’s entry mentioned difficulties with my mom and dad. My mom admits to compartmentalizing periods of her life that caused her pain. They’re tucked away so she doesn’t feel those emotions. Here’s the thing, I was around during those times, so I’m kinda put away on difficult to reach, dusty shelves, as well. It has made for a challenging relationship with her, and I do not agree with her keeping me in the house that she did with my step-father. She knows this. I’m not telling you a secret. But today I wanted to take a minute to say that she has helped me in my life and loved me in the way that she uniquely loves. She’s helped me through back surgeries and a horrible first failure of a marriage. She helped me raise my son when his father left and I was working 60 hour weeks. And we continue to get to know one another in efforts to become closer. We can laugh together, too.

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Now my dad. That’s a mess. I can’t describe that right now. Not well, anyway. Problem is, I thought he was one thing, and I learned some disturbing things last year that I still don’t know how to process. Until last year, even though he died when I was 15, I felt he was at the core of molding who I have become. Maybe he still is, but with the things I discovered, I don’t know what that says about me. I’m not trying to be ambiguous here. I’m actually going to begin counseling next week to try to sort some of this because it has really screwed with my head. As I do, I’ll share more. For now, I’ll say that I loved playing catch and football with him, and he taught me to play Spades and kick butt at it.

I’m thankful I have my husband and son. I’ll share more about this journey as it unfolds. Thanks to you all, as always. xo

4 thoughts on “Tucked Away

  1. Your open dialog with us is so refreshing. You express your confusion and stumbling blocks in your life with truth and a willingness to explore the deeper parts of your psyche ….. not an easy thing Jen. Good luck with your therapy. Be prepared for painful moments , yet those painful moments and memories will open up blockages in your heart and soul…good luck

    Liked by 1 person

  2. i think if we’re honest we all have people – or someone central to our lives who we have highly mixed feeling about as we grow older and realise they’re not exactly who we believed them to be growing up. my dad and i were talking about this today because he was looking for a specific book for a friend of his – someone i’ve always known as a very devout Christian. daddy was saying he wasn’t always that way – then censored himself and said i didn’t need to know about the old days, that a man should be judged on who he’s become not who he was. i could understand, but i think it goes to the issue of compartmentalisation. it’s all a part of who he is – the bad boy and the religious conversion and his good works. denying any part of it presents him as less of a whole and that’s not fair to his history or those he loved and hurt and helped along the way. best of luck, my friend with working through your feelings and accepting the whole of your father. it will be a rough journey, but you have long known how to walk the hard roads.

    Liked by 1 person

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