HOW I FEEL ~ 6.15.18
Having an extremely rough time of it. I feel quite alone. I did want to check in and share that simply because this blog is supposed to relay the ups and downs of Bipolar. I feel alone, abandoned, ignored, without any value, and as though I’ve nothing to contribute. I know the facts are this is not true, but I still *feel* these emotions just now. Take care of yourselves, folks. ✌
TWO HOURS LATER –
Trying to fight back against this depression and the intrusive, harmful thoughts. I had said earlier that I was going to take a break from talking and an online presence, but I don’t need to isolate – whether online or in day to day living. Tomorrow, the family is going to take my husband out to eat for Father’s Day. I’m going to try to get to an evening church service on Sunday night, and set up something on MeetUp. I appreciate any support. I’m trying.
Rough day. Physically hurting and feeling very down on myself. More of things I wouldn’t say to others but am okay saying to myself, putting myself down. Depression and other mental illnesses lie and manipulate. I know that as a fact, just like reading from a textbook. Today, however, I don’t *feel* it. These days drain the energy, to be sure. Be good to yourselves.
KATE & ANTHONY ~ 6.8.18
Hard, hard week. Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain.
According to cdc.gov, on average there are 123 suicides per day.
So, Kate and Anthony were 2 of the 861 that died at their own hand this week. Heartbreaking.
Suicide and Mental Health issues do not discriminate among race, gender, age, socioeconomic status, perceived celebrity, and more. It can and DOES truly strike anyone.
Living with Bipolar, and having stared down the barrel of suicide’s gun many times myself, this scares me.
How many times do those who successfully commit suicide think about doing it before hand, and even try and are not successful? If I’m being absolutely honest, which I’m trying to do because otherwise, what is the point of this blog, suicide scares me. So many days, people successfully talk themselves out of taking their lives, but all too often, a day comes when they fail, and are ultimately successful in taking their lives. I’m scared that one day I too will fail. Hopefully, this healthy fear will keep me here until The Lord calls me home. I try for myself and for my family.
Any of you struggling right now, please contact someone for help – suicide hotline, website, text, therapist, support group, doctor, friend or family. God bless. Let’s help keep each other safe, friends.
Yesterday afternoon and evening were great.
Today, I am so depressed, I won’t even get up to make myself a meal. I’m mad at Bipolar and mad at chronic, physical pain.
A quick word on gifts. I gave a gift of my time, love, attention and affection to my son and my mom today. Both of whom I live with, and both were feeling down, for separate, but significant issues. By the time we were done “hanging out” all three of us felt better. Giving of myself because I care for loved ones also blesses me.
Afterward, I watched the most recent three X-Men movies straight in a row, doing nothing, except applying the occasional ice pack on stubborn, problematic joints. I gave myself the gift of self-care. In doing that, I feel rested, stronger, yet somehow lighter and happier.
Sometimes, we just need to treat ourselves as well as we treat others, and I know that I personally forget that. I would never dream of treating my family and friends the way I treat myself. I would never dream of speaking to my family and friends the way I speak to myself. Why is that?
I don’t know that I have an answer to that. In fact, this isn’t the way I imagined this blog entry unfolding. I was just going to talk about a nice day and how groovy that is.
I’m glad that I’ve tried to teach my son to care for himself and to try to establish healthy boundaries, without being selfish or self-centered. Hopefully, he will instill that in his children at an even younger age that I did with him, and I think part of that needs to be with actions that can be seen. We can advise others of something, but if we don’t walk the walk and talk the talk, it’s all irrelevant.
I guess to try to wrap up this rambling I’m doing, I just want to say today was fun because I treated myself to what I needed. I hope my son learns this necessary and vital lesson and passes it along to his friends and family. That’s all we can do, I think. Live a healthy life, a happy one, and pour our love and positivity onto the people around us – help them grow into something beautiful that will be around long after us, like the bloody Coleus and Salvia I’m trying to grow in the flower beds along side the young trees in the yard who will be here long after I’m gone.
“Shhh.” – Chris Evans on advice he would give his younger self. The actor who made us fall in love with Captain America speaks about his noisy brain, anxiety, and living in the moment.
It will be 16 mins well spent.
Credit: Lindsey McKeon and Chris Evans