Taking a Beating

Received some concerning news regarding my MRI. Will update once I’ve digested a bit more. In the meantime, sharing a poem I wrote. If people like it, maybe I’ll share more. Love & Peace. Let’s take care of ourselves and each other. ✌💛🙏

ONCOMING TIDE by @JENM_CURRY 2018

Sitting by the phone
Waiting for a call
From family or a friend
But again, nothing at all.

Staring out the window
Maybe I’ll see a friend’s car
But truth is, they’re not that interested
When things start to fall apart.

See, it’s easier to deal with fun me
The one not rotting inside and out
Easier to go along pretending
Hiding things they’ll never know about.

Sitting in the dark
Hoping for a text
Nothing coming through, though
Except what medically happens next.
(And the doctor, he says more tests.)

Look, as far back as I can remember
Ages four, five, maybe six
Been told I was over-reacting
Hypochondriac, crazy chick!

Family calls me pill-popper
Accused of emptying bank accounts
Not even true. But so what?
That’s not what life is all about.

More and more by myself
Husband works, kid in school
Always dreamt of being something grand
What a misguided, loser, failure, fool.

People say count your blessings
Agreed, and I’ve done that quite a lot
But people continue to disappear
Who I thought were friends are not.

Looking forward to the day
Without weighing best methods of suicide
Days filled with my Savior and no pain
Somewhere on the other side.
(I’ll watch for you in the oncoming tide.)

*photo cred from deviantart by diogomoura*

 

 

Mental vs Physical and the Role Stigma Plays

Agree or Disagree? Thoughts?

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(Photo credit nami_westside_los_angeles)

I find this list fitting my experiences. I think a lot of the reason I have been treated differently regarding physical illness vs mental illness is due to stigma. Still.

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We are still struggling with the stigma. Being a hundred percent honest, I don’t know how we are going to end it, but I know I’m ready to work for it. 🎗➰

Irritated but Why

Watching carefully to see if steroid shot I received for my shoulder has thrown me into a hypomanic episode.

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I’m quite irritable and not sleeping as much. However, I feel I have a right, long overdue at that, to be flustered with the people and actions that are bothering me, the stuff I termed irritable. And of course, I’m also awaiting brain MRI results – no fun. Plus side,  when I do sleep, it’s quality sleep.

So, as I mentioned, I’m watching carefully.

Hope you’re all well. Take care of yourselves and one another. If you need to, reach out for help or to just chat with someone. 💛✌🙏

Does BP Affect Your Opinion

Hey guys, so I have a question.

I know that based on Bipolar mood swings due to mania, hypomania and depression, we can feel very intensely in both directions. Poorly stated, I’m trying to say that we can be very down and depressed one day and have a very bleak look, and the next day have a very bright, happy, positive outlook. But I’m wondering, do any of you actually have what you feel like are two different people inside of you?

For me, the severity of the mood swings not only affects how I feel, but it can actually change my opinion. Core, important issues, such as abortion stance, death penalty opinion, welfare and food stamp refor….. Things of that nature.

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Do any of you guys cross the line from one day to the next, or from one month to the next, depending on mood swings, and your opinion actually changing because of how you’re affected by the Bipolar? If so, how do you know where you truly stand?

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On Suicide

Reasons I’m Glad I Did Not Commit Suicide.

– Love for my family.

– Specifically speaking of my son, because if there is suicide in your family, you’re more likely to take your own life. Add to that, he too has Bipolar Disorder, that would set up disaster for him.

– Simple things, though they may sound silly or trivial, but honestly – birds, flowers, rivers & oceans & swimming, pizza 🍕, music, arts and crafts, and every once in awhile, writing something halfway decent.

– Happy to help just one person out there know they are not alone in having Bipolar, or any Mental Illness, or Chronic Illness, for that matter.

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Reason I’m Afraid I Will Eventually Commit Suicide.

– Because I have Bipolar Disorder 1 with Psychosis & I Am Tired.

Please feel free to post here with feelings, thoughts, experiences…..

Know that you are not alone. WE ARE NOT ALONE, and though there is still a long way to go, we are gaining ground and speaking out.

Let’s start yelling! 🗣

Keep fighting! 👊

Take care of yourselves and each other & treat yourself gently. Rock on, people. ✌💛

Two Sons

Two Sons ~ 9.10.18 ~ blog entry

I have two sons.

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One who loves me, treats me adoringly, helps me in any way he can, is creative, helps his friends, extends kindness to *misfits* at school, and is all around loveable.

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I have another son who has black eyes, misreads and misunderstands things you say, becomes loud, belligerent and cruel, and is not only emotionally abusive, but physically abusive as well.

Unfortunately, both of my sons live in ONE human body. He has Bipolar, and he faces these awful hardships brought with it.

Even sadder, he inherited this from me.

Between our two human bodies, reside four people. I’m glad that we are strong enough to know that when it all settles, we love each other very much and are trying our best.

But my gosh, what a heartbreaking challenge. Within two days, each of us have expressed wanting to be done with Bipolar, done with this world. (I didn’t say that in front of him, of course.)

However, imagine your child coming to you and saying that he feels so awful and hopeless, that mom better take his medication into her room for the night because he is considering swallowing all of them.

So, tomorrow we set out for more help. On this day in particular, World Suicide Prevention Day, I found it important to share our story.

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Love yourselves and each other. Take care of yourselves and each other. 🎗🙏💛✌