FIRST

*Poem, possible trigger warning*

FIRST by jenm_curry 2018

I was the first born
But I was second choice.
What did I do to make you leave?
Did I talk too much, make too much noise?

I was first wife
But now he’s with number three.
Told the kissing wasn’t quite right
And not enough time on my knees.

I was a first best friend
BFF – best friends for life.
But no texts returned, no calls answered.
Stabbed with a jagged, killer’s knife.

If I was the next one
To reach for the pills or that loaded gun.
Would anyone even notice
That I’m long since gone?

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Honest- Know That Upfront

Honesty, letting you know up front that’s what you’re about to read.

Been sick. Can’t kick it.

MRI said early onset demyelination. That could be linked to two autoimmune disorders I already have, or early detection of MS.

My best friend isn’t talking to me anymore, and I’ve no idea why. It hurts. Badly. Maybe… maybe I’m just too much sadness, sickness, brokenness, cancerous … maybe it’s emotionally too much for her. Maybe she’s afraid my life is infectious.

I mean, yeah, I’ve got issues, but I’ve been there for her for years.

Decades.

I don’t get it. And I have a lot of beauty in my life. And you know what? I think I do a damn good job of sharing that, too.

It’s not just her. Family is crappy towards me as well, but my best friend of 25+ years hurts wayyyy more than judgemental in-laws.

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Just sick and tired right now.

Taking a Beating

Received some concerning news regarding my MRI. Will update once I’ve digested a bit more. In the meantime, sharing a poem I wrote. If people like it, maybe I’ll share more. Love & Peace. Let’s take care of ourselves and each other. ✌💛🙏

ONCOMING TIDE by @JENM_CURRY 2018

Sitting by the phone
Waiting for a call
From family or a friend
But again, nothing at all.

Staring out the window
Maybe I’ll see a friend’s car
But truth is, they’re not that interested
When things start to fall apart.

See, it’s easier to deal with fun me
The one not rotting inside and out
Easier to go along pretending
Hiding things they’ll never know about.

Sitting in the dark
Hoping for a text
Nothing coming through, though
Except what medically happens next.
(And the doctor, he says more tests.)

Look, as far back as I can remember
Ages four, five, maybe six
Been told I was over-reacting
Hypochondriac, crazy chick!

Family calls me pill-popper
Accused of emptying bank accounts
Not even true. But so what?
That’s not what life is all about.

More and more by myself
Husband works, kid in school
Always dreamt of being something grand
What a misguided, loser, failure, fool.

People say count your blessings
Agreed, and I’ve done that quite a lot
But people continue to disappear
Who I thought were friends are not.

Looking forward to the day
Without weighing best methods of suicide
Days filled with my Savior and no pain
Somewhere on the other side.
(I’ll watch for you in the oncoming tide.)

*photo cred from deviantart by diogomoura*

 

 

Mental vs Physical and the Role Stigma Plays

Agree or Disagree? Thoughts?

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(Photo credit nami_westside_los_angeles)

I find this list fitting my experiences. I think a lot of the reason I have been treated differently regarding physical illness vs mental illness is due to stigma. Still.

End-Stigma

We are still struggling with the stigma. Being a hundred percent honest, I don’t know how we are going to end it, but I know I’m ready to work for it. 🎗➰

Irritated but Why

Watching carefully to see if steroid shot I received for my shoulder has thrown me into a hypomanic episode.

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I’m quite irritable and not sleeping as much. However, I feel I have a right, long overdue at that, to be flustered with the people and actions that are bothering me, the stuff I termed irritable. And of course, I’m also awaiting brain MRI results – no fun. Plus side,  when I do sleep, it’s quality sleep.

So, as I mentioned, I’m watching carefully.

Hope you’re all well. Take care of yourselves and one another. If you need to, reach out for help or to just chat with someone. 💛✌🙏

Does BP Affect Your Opinion

Hey guys, so I have a question.

I know that based on Bipolar mood swings due to mania, hypomania and depression, we can feel very intensely in both directions. Poorly stated, I’m trying to say that we can be very down and depressed one day and have a very bleak look, and the next day have a very bright, happy, positive outlook. But I’m wondering, do any of you actually have what you feel like are two different people inside of you?

For me, the severity of the mood swings not only affects how I feel, but it can actually change my opinion. Core, important issues, such as abortion stance, death penalty opinion, welfare and food stamp refor….. Things of that nature.

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Do any of you guys cross the line from one day to the next, or from one month to the next, depending on mood swings, and your opinion actually changing because of how you’re affected by the Bipolar? If so, how do you know where you truly stand?

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