Common Denominator

11.26.18 blog entry Common Denominator

I’m not sure why. I have spent hours upon hours in days among days trying to figure it out. My mom once told me not to bother wasting time like that because after all, is the person or persons I’m thinking about even giving me a second thought. Possibly, but even so, they definitely don’t waste time on me with a third thought. And I’m actually not blaming all these people I’ve lost in my life because there have been LOTS, and what is the common denominator? Or rather, whom? Answer is simple. Me. I equal common denominator.

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I think I feel too intensely and describe too deeply and possibly even make others feel guilty about being overwhelmed with and by me. So, now they’re gone. Friends. Family. Even a first middle school aged boy that I liked – and who I believe liked me – even he and his wife won’t accept my friend request on Facebook. Really? And a friend of years has totally quit me. A friend since middle school and who was there for all the important wonderful new stuff, as well as the rough times, and vice versa.

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I think it’s the Bipolar and the intensity that comes along with it. Even though I’d never wish it on my worst enemy, I have often thought that if people could spend a week inside my mind, my body, they could sorta understand. But I can’t do that, obviously, so people seem to continue slipping away instead. I even fear the folks I have left will soon be gone. I’ve deleted my meetup groups. I don’t have it in me to make new friends, only to lose them. Damn. I’m exhausted. Just so tired of it. Actually, I’m just plain sad. Sad and broken hearted. 💔

4 thoughts on “Common Denominator

  1. Oh you sweet thing … I do understand. I understand completely. I struggled with this until actually quite recently. I am very needy. I need love and attention, but I also bore easily and have loads of issues so I’m probably quite tricky to be around. However, sometimes it’s ok to let go of people, to make new friends with no expectations. To chat to someone in the queue at the coffee shop. You are such a sweet lass that I know that if you stop worrying, people will simply be drawn to you just because of who you are. You’re lovely. Don’t panic, take a deep breath and just be you! Katie x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I think your are not alone in your experience of having friends and family decide to no longer be a part of your life. I think the common denominator is not you, but bipolar disorder. I have experienced this as have a few of my friends(not just online) that have bipolar disorder.

    I often find myself disengaging at times from friends, though I usually reach back out when I feel up to it. I can’t begin to count though how many really good friends I’ve lost over the years….

    Liked by 1 person

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