Thinking About Dad

I’ve been thinking about Dad.

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For years, I’ve heard friends talking about their dads attending their high school graduation and walking the brides down the aisle. I’ve listened to stories about how much dads love their grandchildren.

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This and so much more wasn’t in the cards for me, as I was only 15 years old when he died.

On top of that, I heard some disturbing things about him after his death, which I now question. Not certain I believe what I heard based upon the source and that person’s past. Or maybe I just want and need to believe that person lied to me.

So, I’m left with a lot of questions. I was also thinking about what I did in the days, weeks and months after he died. How did I cope? Because I know I certainly didn’t cry much. Had I, I think I would have never stopped. So, I threw myself into sports and listened to a ton of music. One song I repeated over and over was Cold November Rain by Guns N’ Roses. I could probably sing you every lyric from memory. Like right now, if you’d so wish.

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So yeah, anyway, where am I going with this?ย Well, it’s more of a rambling tonight, I guess. I did realize a connection between my 15 year old self and my 42 year old self. Both of us turn(ed) to music and physical activity (even though mine is limited now due to health conditions). And I suppose that’s a good way of coping. And I’m learning to forgive, as well as asking to be forgiven. I find it a shame that so often it’s easier to forgive once the person has passed away.

Thanks for listening. Take care of yourselves and each other. โœŒ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ’›

Hug your Dad. ๐Ÿ’™

Nothing

11.11.18 blog entry ~ Nothing

I got nothin’. Nothing really to say.

Preparing for my mom’s birthday, Thanksgiving and the holiday season. In quite a bit of physical pain. Have to go see a neurologist. Another specialist. I’m tired of them. I suppose, well I KNOW, I should be thankful that I have health insurance. So many don’t. Long ago, I heard someone say, “There will always be someone longing to experience your worst day.” I know that’s true. And hey, my son is doing well. My family is well. Hell, the cat is well. My friends are experiencing some struggles.

I think a lot of people experience medical and mental illnesses with more grace than I do. Many, many more. Way more grace. All I want to do sometimes is isolate, and that’s not because I don’t want to be around people; rather, I just want to feel free to feel like hell. I do not feel like I should do that in front of my family.

Anyway, I’m not bad off, but I’m not great. Living in the in between, as I just heard in a show last night called Picnic at Hanging Rock. Novel and movie before this Amazon series, yes. Australian folklore.

Anyway, one character mentioned to another that they need to live in the world of in between. Sounds exhausting to me, quite frankly.

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Anyway, I’m going to see the pain management specialist tomorrow. That will help a bit. We plan to see the latest version of The Grinch this week. The one with Benedict Cumberbatch. Do a little Christmas shopping, maybe.

Guess I had a little more than nothing, as it turned out.

Take care of yourselves and each other, guys. Love & Peace always. ๐Ÿ’™โœŒ๐Ÿ™

11.9.18 – God Knows Where I Am

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I just watched a fascinating and tragic documentary on Netflix called God Knows Where I Am.

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I recommend that anyone watch it for a better understanding of mental illness and how, even in what is supposed to be the best country in the world, a seriously ill woman could be released from a mental health facility and ultimately allowed to starve to death in an empty home in the middle of a brutally cold winter.

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As a person diagnosed as Bipolar with psychosis, it is terrifying.

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