This is a weird one. Not weird so much as contradictory. What am I getting at exactly? Well, I’m full of contradictions tonight, a bunch of greys in a black and white world. I’m an introvert. I’m an extrovert when I have to be for the work I’m trying to do, or when I’m hypomanic. What a bitch of a situation. I want to be around people. I want to interact with people. However!! However… I get so tired of people and their stupid shit really quick.
Maybe I’m losing my patience as I get older. Maybe it’s being easily overly stimulated by excess, loud noise. Maybe it’s lack of tolerance for crap in general. Maybe it’s trying over and over to push that extroverted self forward to help others, promote the blog, submit witty and what I hope are insightful articles on various websites for publishing, and putting together what I think are nice decorations to sell. Maybe it’s just all that goes into that and often feeling like I’m spinning my wheels. I’m telling you what, my f**king head is pounding.
I was doing fine, but then I began interacting with people tonight, and real quick I was like, nope no more. Can people stop treating me like a child, despite the fact that I’m acting like one right now? See the problem there? I seek out the interaction but when it gets rolling, sometimes it’s too much. I know. I know I’m acting like a child. Most of the time I don’t, so cut me a break. Constructive criticism has always been a welcomed thing for me, but when it becomes consistent from people over and over, it feels more like nitpicking.
This is one of those times when I know this is just my emotions fiddling with my brain and tomorrow or a day or two later, I’ll look at this and be embarrassed by how much I’m whining here. Nevertheless, Bipolar does toss my emotions all around, so I guess this is part of it. An ugly part. A part where I want people to be my friend and care about me and be concerned, yet I don’t want them to wear me out. Some people are harder to deal with than others. That’s just life. Most of the time I’m better at doing that. Tonight, I’m not. Tonight, I’m a two year old. Actually, that is a bad comparison as the two year old would have much better manners and a better hold of themselves for Pete’s sake!
I have a massive ass headache, and I’m pissed at the world that I want to love me dearly.
I know, I’m a pain in the ass. I’m also ill. Any other of you guys with Bipolar go through this silly mess from time to time? Or maybe you have a loved one who has this dreaded disease? Do they go through this?