Irritated Rant

6.6.19 blog entry

This is a weird one. Not weird so much as contradictory. What am I getting at exactly? Well, I’m full of contradictions tonight, a bunch of greys in a black and white world. I’m an introvert. I’m an extrovert when I have to be for the work I’m trying to do, or when I’m hypomanic. What a bitch of a situation. I want to be around people. I want to interact with people. However!! However… I get so tired of people and their stupid shit really quick.

Maybe I’m losing my patience as I get older. Maybe it’s being easily overly stimulated by excess, loud noise. Maybe it’s lack of tolerance for crap in general. Maybe it’s trying over and over to push that extroverted self forward to help others, promote the blog, submit witty and what I hope are insightful articles on various websites for publishing, and putting together what I think are nice decorations to sell. Maybe it’s just all that goes into that and often feeling like I’m spinning my wheels.Β I’m telling you what, my f**king head is pounding.

blog headache 2

I was doing fine, but then I began interacting with people tonight, and real quick I was like, nope no more. Can people stop treating me like a child, despite the fact that I’m acting like one right now? See the problem there? I seek out the interaction but when it gets rolling, sometimes it’s too much. I know. I know I’m acting like a child. Most of the time I don’t, so cut me a break. Constructive criticism has always been a welcomed thing for me, but when it becomes consistent from people over and over, it feels more like nitpicking.

This is one of those times when I know this is just my emotions fiddling with my brain and tomorrow or a day or two later, I’ll look at this and be embarrassed by how much I’m whining here. Nevertheless, Bipolar does toss my emotions all around, so I guess this is part of it. An ugly part. A part where I want people to be my friend and care about me and be concerned, yet I don’t want them to wear me out. Some people are harder to deal with than others. That’s just life. Most of the time I’m better at doing that. Tonight, I’m not. Tonight, I’m a two year old. Actually, that is a bad comparison as the two year old would have much better manners and a better hold of themselves for Pete’s sake!

blog headache 3

I have a massive ass headache, and I’m pissed at the world that I want to love me dearly.

I know, I’m a pain in the ass. I’m also ill. Any other of you guys with Bipolar go through this silly mess from time to time? Or maybe you have a loved one who has this dreaded disease? Do they go through this?

Sorry. Rant over.

Running Running Running

6.4.19 blog entry

I am doing something that I’ve come to understand as the only means I can do what I need to do in life. What is it I’m doing? I’m on the go, go, go! Move your ass mode! πŸƒβ€β™€οΈπŸ‘©β€πŸ’»πŸ³Β Writing, chores, cooking… stuff that piles up when you have days during which you can do nothing.

20190604_094706.jpg

Hypomanic, trying to steer clear of full-blown mania. I have family watching to tell me if I’m rocketing out of the stratosphere πŸš€and letting me know it’s time for PRN meds.

For now, I’m good, but coming down hurts. It hurts mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. It’s true that my mental health affects my physical health affects my mental health affects my physical health. πŸ”

Here’s the deal though, when I’m physically and mentally down for at least half of my days, if not more, then those days that rarely come along when I can just dial it up to 11, I have to do so. It’s the only way I survive and keep my household flowing and family taken care of, even though it’s also breaking me down at a faster rate. Do I need a better plan? Yes. I’m not a fool. However, I haven’t found anything else that works, and I’ve tried for decades, even with help from doctors and therapists.

20190604_094634

Feel free to comment on how you make it work if you’d like. I always welcome respectful comments and conversations with me and among you guys if you wish to talk to one another. Love to you all. βœŒπŸŽ—