A L O N E and i do not understand why

Why don’t people want to be in my life, I wonder. God, I wonder what’s wrong with me.

I just want to die. It’s the truth. Lots of people, especially with mental illness do, but I’m just sharing about it. Here’s my truth.

I have a loving husband who works so hard and lots of hours.

I have a mom who is disabled and we don’t always get along so well.

I have a beautiful, talented son who is doing what he shouold be doing, which is growing and living and moving on.

I have sisters who will not speak to me. Not for years.

I had a best friend of decades stop speaking to me last year, and I still have no idea why.

I have one long distance friend. We are very close. But I don’t see her. And she and I don’t talk nearly as much as we used to.

I have another very good friend who I talk to a few times a week, and sometimes I see her when passing through my hometown.

I have a few supportive, lovely, online friends who understand Bipolar.

Beyond this, I’m alone. And I’m very lonely.

And of course I know I have God. But I want people, too. I want phone calls and hugs and interaction. There are so many people I’ve tried to befriend. I genuinely care for these people, and I truly don’t think they give a toss about me.

It’s getting bad. I’m feeling so low. Considering my old ways of self-harm. Feeling desperate, and there are moments of feeling suicidal.

This is not all to do with Bipolar, but it certainly doesn’t help.

Why am I sharing this? To be accountable, on the record, and in order not to do something bad to myself.

Thanks to you few who truly care. I know who you are.

4 thoughts on “A L O N E and i do not understand why

  1. I’m feelin’ you, dude. I have two friends that I can talk to about being bipolar. I don’t know what the other three think about it, but I’m pretty sure they don’t think it’s as big a deal as it is. Fortunately I have a really good therapist so I can lighten my load without wearing anyone out. My acquaintances don’t know exactly what to make of me and usually don’t stick around that long. My wife of thirty three years,, well,, I can’t say enough good things about her. She has stayed with me even though I have been a complete bastard to her more times than I can count. I’m not saying I have never done anything to deserve that kind of loyalty,,, but many of us never get the good things we earn. I get the guilt that comes from alienating people who like my wife but not me. Thankfully she doesn’t give me a hard time about it. For all of that, there are times when there has to be some space and then there’s only me. During those times I have had to learn to be enough for myself. Not forever, but hurt takes time to heal and my search for sympathy has never brought me closer to healing. I have four sisters and a mother remaining in my immediate family. Only one has any respect for me. As for the rest of them, I say fuck ’em. They have their ideas, I’m not going to change their minds and I don’t talk to people who don’t care what I think.
    OK, this could go on and on but what I want to say is CHIN UP! You are going to get through this. You will do it for the people you love and you are going to do it for yourself. The great Eleanor Roosevelt once said that no one can make you feel inferior without your permission. That no one includes you. I surf this way several times a dayso if you reply I will get back to you, I promise.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am sending you long distance hugs, I can relate to the feeling of being alone. It’s like you have all these wonderful people around you but somehow you still don’t find happiness. I think some has to do with bipolar cos I feel that way too. Cherish the people around you and relish in their love for you. Good friends are hard to come by so I cherish the good ones I have. There may be less than what we had before but life changes people sometimes so don’t think it was your fault. It is a good thing you have come to write here, good to get the feelings out and putting those bad feelings where they belong (away from you). Hang in there kiddo, you are loved more than you know and that means a lot.

    Liked by 1 person

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