On a Common Mood Symptom

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Article about hearing hypersensitivity according to mood. I’ve found that to be true. When people are talking and the commercials are blaring on the tv. It’s as if sand paper is scratching at your brain and eardrums. As if, it goes on one more second, your head will in fact blow and where there once was only white walls, now lives white splattered with strawberry jam.

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https://www.bphope.com/when-noise-annoys-coping-with-hypersensitive-hearing/

 

 

Hope

So, talking of books about Bipolar and other mental health issues, two are by far my favorites, as they present the facts, but in a funny, we are in it together, self-deprecating humor sort of way. As well, wonders never ceasing, the author is even right here in our very own galaxy. We don’t have to go far, far away. I’m so happy she received a posthumous Grammy for narrating Princess Diarist. Please check out Carrie Fisher’s Wishful Drinking and Shockaholic.

 

What are your go to BP and MI books? Which do you recommend? Please feel free to share.

Take His Hand

I think the hardest part of being a mom to a son, both of us with Bipolar Disorder, is the utter inability to take away his pain. All that pain I know has existed, currently resides and will strike in the future.

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So, I resign myself to knowing that holding his hand as he makes his way through is the best I can do. I hope he feels that love in my touch, and I thank the Lord that He is carrying my son through all he has faced and ever will encounter.

Down In It

I’m not good. Something’s not right. Won’t sleep for a couple of days, then go to sleep not remembering a lot of the time I was awake. Thank God I have my husband and mom to be sure I don’t do something off the grid ridiculous. I’m convinced that’s the only reason why I’ve not done some really crazy stuff in the past that I know I’m capable of when hypomanic and manic. And the added pressure of my son seeing me off my game and emotionally turned upside down weighs so heavily. Because, you see, now he’s feeling down. I tell you, we’ve been doing this long enough, he and I, mom and son, Bipolar and Bipolar, I know my emotional absence and far out, screwed up head the last few days (which I know has been at least hypomania) affects him. Then, I get scared for him. Anxiety builds. Snowball, snowball, snowball… & there’s an expression about a snowball’s chance in hell. I better pull it together soon.

24 and Counting, Face of Bipolar

Twenty-four hours plus (24 hrs +) with no sleep.

A Face of Bipolar ~

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The fabulous ideas I had last night but could do nothing about because everyone else was asleep, now appear to me as insurmountable and unrealistic for sure. I’m reminded of something a friend said recently in response to one of my blog entries. Paraphrasing, she said she’d forgotten she once had hopes and dreams. I’ve heard so many friends with BP  (met through a support group) that, despite every effort, have fallen short and not achieved what they wanted. I hope God points out to us that we’re in a different place than we planned for a reason, though we may not understand, or even want it. For those of you reading who are not Believers, I hope you can figure out with the help of friends and loved ones that something positive came, and continues to come, from something crummy and awful.

Because to me, if we can’t find or help develop the good, then what the heck are we even doing here.

WHAT DOES BIPOLAR LOOK LIKE

What does Bipolar look like?

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I’m curious if you would be brave enough to share with me your first impressions of someone with Bipolar. Whether you knew them first and later discovered their mental illness? Or, for example, if you heard someone at work, who you hardly knew, has Bipolar Disorder. Your initial reaction.

Thoughts?

As for me, some *family* called me crazy and pill-popper, and that’s just the stuff I know. The other folks I’ve told were attendees at the same church as myself (some years back) and *coincidentally?* these folks no longer wanted to be my friend and outright began ignoring me. As well, some stopped their children hanging out at my home and having fun with my son. My son and the kids didn’t understand. I was devastated. I’ve had the most painful things said to me from church-attendees.

Do you have good or bad stories to share? Would you care to share a photo – display the faces of Bipolar?

(I promise I will monitor and moderate replies, so that there is no cruelty and slandering.)

LONG DRIVE WHEN ILL

Traveling for an emergency appointment to see my psychiatrist about six hours away. Lesson – don’t ever take for granted that my Bipolar is overall well-managed and I’m okay to see my doctor every three months. I made it for two years like that. Won’t happen again, even though I trust this doctor and he’s known me for six years. This is absurd. He is too far away! I could easily end up in the hospital.

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This blog is supposed to log the good and bad, and all the in-between’s. This is probably the worst I’ve felt since I began this blog.

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Not Enough Spoons

So yeah, this is what happens when I have too much to do in one day, or when I allow myself to be pushed, even though I know I shouldn’t take on the heavy load I did. I have Bipolar Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Insomnia (those are the three major mental health diagnoses). I also have severe chronic pain due to breaks and surgeries, which led to arthritis, nerve pain, etc. I also have fibromyalgia. I could very easily, according to how I feel and according to several different doctors, take it easier on myself than I do. Not be up and doing as much. Use a cane or walker. Be counted out as far as chores in the house, and outside of the home, things like school meetings and events. Mainly, right now, it’s fallen to me to be a caretaker to my mom who has a dropfoot and fused lower back that is causing her pain, for two years now, whereas I’ve had my back issues and eventual fusion for 20 years now. Yet, I’m still expected to handle things because I’ve not resigned myself to an in-home hospital bed and wheelchair. But I’m going to be in one very soon, if something doesn’t give. I am so, so tired, and I don’t now how to erect boundaries towards my immediate family and say I can’t help as much; then later look happier than I do now because I’m able to rest more and feel better. This has happened before, and I’m looked at like, “Why can’t you help me, you’re doing great over there?” Well, I look well because I’m able to take care of myself for once and am not emotionally miserable and in physical agony. I’ve tried explaining the “spoon theory” to immediate family as a way to visually show how I’m being run down and pushed past my limit. Either it’s not understood and comprehended, or, as they see it, not their concern.

 

*Trying to look like I’m feeling well and happy…*

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Read up on spoon theory below. Thanks for stopping by my blog. Blessings.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spoon_theory

18

I’m not doing the whole resolution thing, but I am taking the opportunity to do a bit of self-reflection. I’m going to try to work on small, attainable goals that promote growth. If I don’t achieve all of these quickly and/or every single day, I am not failing. These are just guidelines to help improve myself and help others.

First and foremost, try to dedicate myself even more to Jesus, my Savior. That’s something I should always be doing, and help my family and friends in any way I can and should. Witness when and where I can. This is not part of the eighteen. This should be every day, every month, every year.

Eighteen Goals – dedicate myself and give my best efforts as I’m able. Don’t be hard on myself if I don’t nail all eighteen immediately, fully and completely. Any effort is good. Any effort is helpful and beneficial. Any effort is progress.

1. Begin setting goals and outline a plan to start attending sociology classes again in order to ultimately be involved in juvenile criminal justice.

2. Research and try vitamins, supplements and foods that help protect nerves, and decrease joint inflammation and fibromyalgia pain.

3. Cook more often, while utilizing crock pots, pressure cookers and meal wrap storage.

4. Use coupons and the like to help with finances.

5. Researching ways to build a craft-making and selling small business in order to help with finances and to have an outlet for creativity.

6. Join the local town gym that offers classes and indoor warm pool for arthritis and fibromyalgia. Also sign up for the massages and nutritionist offered at the gym. Endorphin release will also help mental health issues too, of course.

7. Go to the one flat park in this town that is full of hills and walk with Richard Parker.

8. Visit my special hideaway at the river more often. Relaxation and a nice place for photos, writing, drawing, coloring and/or listening to music or books.

9. Follow bird trails in town and nearby towns and do more of the birdwatching journaling.

10. Get more bird feeders, birdhouses, and bird baths for the yard.

11. Plant a few plants in front walkway to add a splash of color to the house.

12. Start growing a few of my own herbs, as well as food such as tomatoes.

13. At least one 4-day weekend family trip in 2018.

14. Save money for a longer, more activity filled family vacation in 2019.

15. Find ways to have time to myself and maintain balance. Do not isolate, but do have some time alone for quiet time, free thoughts flowing, creativity, etc.

16. Work with new ideas listed above and doctors to find some sort of normal, consistent sleeping pattern.

17. Volunteer more often.

18. Laugh, sing and dance (privately, like a fool!) a little more often!

And ALWAYS encourage others. Pray for others!

Dysfunctional Cells

Great article below. I’ve read similar research regarding Bipolar. And for me personally, I find it interesting that my daily chronic, often debilitating pain in the form of Fibromyalgia, is thought to be nerves and cells not communicating (functioning) well together.

 

https://www.dealwithautism.com/news/dysfunctions-of-intricate-human-body-cells-might-underlie-schizophrenia-epilepsy-and-autism/

And So It Goes with Cats and Humans

Just watched one of my fav shows on Animal Planet, “My Cat from Hell.” One cat, who developed blindness and deafness, quit grooming herself. The cat behaviorist, Jackson Galaxy, said that was a significant sign of depression.

And so it goes so often with many of us suffering with mental illness, no?

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Interesting.

Delete

So, I just watched a movie called “Rememory.” After finishing this grand-scoped, thought-provoking movie, I was left pondering this question while dabbing at tears.

If you could erase heartbreaking, devastating, tragic memories, would you do it?

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Why?

How would that change you as a person? How would that affect who you are now?

And a somewhat different question – are some memories, some events, best left forgotten. Best buried as a way for your mind to protect you?

Okay, so I lied. I posed more than one question. Four or five, I guess.

Another movie years back had me kicking ideas around like this. I’m quite certain it was the film’s intention, of course, and well done. “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” Did you see it?

I think I need all of my memories, despite knowing I have been robbed of some. Possibly I should edit the word “despite” and instead use “especially.”

I need my memories because even the bad have a reason of existing. Bad forces me to appreciate good. Loss helps me recognize what beauty I do have.

So yeah, even if I could push the button that wipes away all bad, I would not press it. Though, I will readily, and with speed, advise you to hide that button from me because tomorrow, I could most vehemently  disagree with what I think now, and smack that sucker in efforts to rid myself of the burdens and pains of the day.

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Fortress of Solitude

Interesting article about time-out’s and how it could affect your emotions and mood.

For me, I either desperately need time alone and no noise, or I am so lonely and need interaction in person, online, etc.

I think, as with most things in life, it’s all about balance. Finding balance can be tricky, though, especially if you live in extremes. And if I only had one sentence to describe Bipolar, I would say it is all about existing in one extreme state, or its opposite.

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Enjoy and be well, guys. ✌

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/living-single/201711/pure-solitude-away-devices-is-calming-new-research?amp

Tired

Feeling like I’m slipping. I’ve not yet tanked, but I can see it coming. I’m running scared because I’ve got a long list of to-do’s and though I know rationally I can handle these things, they seem overwhelming. Overwhelming to the point I want to hide. I don’t want to wake up. This photo below is of my dad, he was only three years older than I am now, and this was a couple of weeks before he died.

We both look so tired. His birthday was Dec 3, and I have recently found out a lot of conflicting things about him. What am I supposed to do, call him up and ask why he did some crappy things he did?

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I’m tired.

Smacking Is Not Helping

I have been smacking this button all day, but nope.

PTB

I still feel like my battery is 100% out in the next few seconds. If I could sleep, that wouldn’t be a big deal, but you know…

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Hit a truck today (nudged it, no damage), lost my wedding ring, still so much to do for Thanksgiving/Mom’s birthday, severe back and neck pain.

Just yuck. I want to cry and give in.

Sometimes, I believe that’s perfectly acceptable and healthy. For me, I’ve also found there are times when I can’t give in and sob, maybe because it would take too long to recover?? I will have to think about how to better describe that.

Love & Peace to you all. Xo

Compliance, Really? More Control Measures?

No. Absolutely not.

My opinion for myself and my welfare, as well as my son’s. I spoke to my 18 year old son, he was adamant with his opposition, as well as a friend of mine.

Compliance? I fear that equals control measures. Do I want to be tracked? Do I want to be tied to my doctor, insurance, Medicare and big pharma about my compliance? About suggested medication? No.

I welcome any thoughts, even polite debate. Polite though, please.