Time Perception

Time moves differently in heaven and hell. I’ve heard that in science fiction stories and have seen it on cable shows such as American Horror Story. I believe it and wholeheartedly agree.

When manic, my mind races so fast that I feel as though an hour is packed into a single minute. What is more dreadful, I find, is the perception of time during a depressive state. I have just come out of a depressed dip that only lasted a few days, but upon emerging back into the world, I thought I had been down for weeks.

(Getty Images)

Luckily, I saw my doctor last week and was given some advice to help my sleeping issues, which I truly believe caused a lot of the mess I experienced. That depression was coupled with an intense amount of anxiety, and the two together kept me down, asleep for the last few days, partly because my mental state knocked me down so badly that I became physically ill as well.

Surviving the bouts of depression and anxiety feels as though it takes years because of how intense those feelings are and time truly moves slower and faster all at the same time. I’m glad I’m getting better and hope it continues.

How are you guys?

Do you experience time warps and skews?

Making The Most

Lots of energy has swooped in tonight. Actually, started yesterday. Being careful it doesn’t spiral me out of control the other way. Depression’s messy complete opposite, Mania. However, I did go ahead and take advantage and get some work done, such as laundry, cooking, adding pics of stuff to online garage sale, etc. Might as well do something instead of sitting there… not sleeping.

I think I personally have to make the most of the energy when I can to stay on top of things, even if everyone else is sleeping. Any of you guys do this,

Whoa That Came Out Of Nowhere

10.15.19 blog entry

So, this is a vulnerable but honest and important entry. It’s necessary to discuss this part of Bipolar.

My mood has not been consistent for a while now, but it hasn’t been too terrible as far as extremes. I’m functioning. I’m not always thrilled about it. Sometimes I move too fast and say something I regret, or I exacerbate my fibromyalgia and physically hurt more than normal, but I’m functioning.

Then, boom!

Two nights ago, some serious mania and psychosis set in, full on with hallucinations of someone who was not really there, and then (and this is the part I’m afraid to share but will…) I really wanted to score some cocaine and have enough for a few days. I’ve not done cocaine in over two decades, and I never have a desire to do so. Yet, there it was. Of course, I have no money and more importantly, don’t know anyone who does or sells cocaine. I mean, obviously. Why would I? I used the drug when I was 16 years old for a six month time span relatively soon after my dad’s sudden, unexpected death. My home environment at the time was terrible. Mom always depressed in bed or gone to work, leaving me with a drunken step-father who… and I kid you not… we later found out was a murderer.

blog cocaine

(Image Credit: flickr)

Look, I’m not trying to say I should have ever done drugs, but I am providing some context for the situation.

Anyway, as I was actually physically itching for it, it occurred to me I could crush some of my pain pills and snort them. Now, thank goodness I didn’t totally lose the plot. I spoke to a friend for a while, and gave my meds to my husband. And I took care of the hallucination in the short hallway from our room to our bathroom by simply turning on the light. I took two PRN meds I’m allowed to take per my doctor (PRN meds to help sedate and even things out for issues just like this) and took a couple of Melatonin and fell asleep (finally!) around 6 or 7 a.m. and slept a good, long while. I woke and everything was back to normal. Whatever Bipolar-normal is… sigh.

I think maybe one thing that led to it is my sleeping cycle has become so much worse. Luckily, I was able to secure an appointment with my psychiatrist next week, and I’ll relay all of this, and we’ll work on preventing this from happening again because it was as if a whole new person had taken over my body.

But that’s the trouble with Bipolar. Does that shit to you sometimes. I hate it.

The Truth

10.11.19 Blog Entry

So, I was going to write an entry about things that help lift my spirits when I’m low, or things that help calm me when I’m anxious.

Hell, here is the list.

So, there are some youtubers I’m enjoying watching – commentary with a sarcastic humor (not sarcastic mean, sarcastic funny). Anyway, a couple are James Marriott and Ryland Adams. Rich Lux beauty influencer and commentary. And that fan! LOL! Also, a few channels about music/films/tv are Whatculture, Watchmojo, Looper, and some who post celebrity and artist videos the Zach Sang Show. I also watch animal rescue channels like Hope for Paws and donate $5 when I can.

But none of that is distracting/helping me.

Of course, I’m happy to see Steven working and being so motivated. Proud of him. I’ve cuddled with the cat. Trying to enjoy conversation with Kirk and mom.

Nope.

I began a subscription to skillshare.com and am taking a couple of classes on it. One is about how to start a YT channel and the other is about drawing birds. But that’s not inspiring right now.

Marvel movies, sci fi and fantasy magazines, even audiobooks are not doing it for me.

Sometimes I can distract myself for an hour or so playing Spades or Scrabble. Has it been working? You guessed it – no.

Music is the one thing that might be helping a bit to finally sleep. I’ve had so much joint pain the last several nights. I lie there and try to sleep and just moan and cry in pain despite the medication to help it and melatonin even sometimes so I can sleep. It’s at that point, if I’ve had to take a crap-ton of meds that I might fall asleep listening to some fav music, but for a long, long time now, we’re talking fall asleep around 5 a.m., and it’s certainly not a restful few hours of sleep thereafter. Nothing restorative.

I’ll be honest. I’m pissed. And on top of all of that, our finances are in shambles. I think we’re gonna have to move. This is EXACTLY why I never unpacked and decorated. Didn’t want to believe this house could really be mine, and I was right. I’m just gonna throw everything away. My husband has an important job in ministry, but it does not pay well, and I’m disabled. So, keeping it real, we’re not gonna retire someday and have a nice house. So, why keep my shit. I’m just gonna toss it. And I’ve got to figure out a way to work despite my disabilities.

I just wanna go home.

It’s probably not good that I say that because years ago when I first had my manic psychotic break, until I was diagnosed and properly medicated and seeing a therapist, I would freak out and have spells and they always started with, “I wanna go home.” I don’t know where that is because I had never lived in a nice house/home/situation until I had my son, so don’t bother wondering or asking. I’m so tired.

I really hope you guys are feeling better than me. Didn’t intend to be a downer, but this blog is supposed to show all sides of my life with Bipolar Disorder. I could have written about things that sometimes help me feel better and cope better, but today, those things are lies. And I’m finished lying. Here’s even more honesty, if my son didn’t live with us, had his own life elsewhere, I would probably tell my husband I need to go to a mental behavioral hospital.

Fuck.

Maybe I can figure a way out to attend a support group (no charge and multiple people like yourself talking and sharing) or therapy. I think my therapist was charging $50 per session. She doesn’t do insurance (who can blame her, it’s a nightmare), so if I can prove our financial situation is even worse now, maybe I could see her a couple of times a month at $40 a pop. Supposed to be the best country in the world, right?

Yet my constant medical issues continue to drag us down and not allow for a bit better of a life. Even my son is starting to get it. He had to go to the ER. Now, even with insurance, and I was so surprised by his response to a $700 bill. He said, “But I was sick, and my insurance paid some of it. Why are they trying to put me in debt already just because I was sick.” From the mouth of babes, huh? I provided no satisfactory reason to him. He also has asked me so many times, “Why are so many Vietnam vets in our town homeless… there’s a vet hospital here.”

Wow. Umm.

Explained that the best I could. Is it any wonder I’m tired and wouldn’t mind if I just kept on sleeping. Is it any wonder I wanna go to this “home” that I mention when things are slipping out from under me. Losing the plot, I fear. I’m gonna go listen to some music and make myself sketch. Or maybe read from the Fantasy & Science Fiction Extended Edition. Damn it! It’s just gone past 3 a.m.

How are y’all?

How Halsey’s Music Describes Mania

Blog Entry 10.9.19

 

So, as regular readers and friends know, I love Halsey. She’s such a brilliant artist – not just singing, but painting, drawing, video production – just an absolute beautiful artist. Such an inspiration.

She also has Bipolar Disorder. I’m a fan of this video from a channel called The Kingdom on youtube (we in the kingdom love, love, love Halsey). I am in awe of how well this translates some of Halsey’s music on her upcoming Manic album to Bipolar symptoms. I hope you take the four minutes to watch and let me and others know your reactions. Thanks.

How are you guys? Chime in.

 

*Special thanks to @halsey & @imthekngdm

Just An Update

Just An Update 10.1.19

So today has been much better, and I truly believe it is because last night I forced myself to sketch and write. Nothing grand came from that, but it got the creative juices flowing. Now I’m not saying I can live without meds, Lord knows, but I am saying I have a much better shot at maintaining a level mood if I’m creating something.

For me, it is part of self-care. As important as showering, applying makeup (that’s a personal one for me), stretches and light exercise, trying to eat okay, and finally, trying to get some sleep and taking my meds. And because I did that, today I watched a class on skillshare about starting a youtube channel about MH. I am writing this blog. I worked on making some decorations I plan to sell. I began writing a story. I cooked.

I don’t look forward to tomorrow because I have to go have nerve testing done on my arms, but I plan to just chill afterward and listen to a book. By the way, if you’ve read The Handmaid’s Tale, you MUST read Margaret Atwood’s follow-up, The Testaments. Turns everything you thought you knew about The Handmaid’s Tale on its side! Fantastic read or listen. I listened on Audible.

Anyway, I’m rambling. Just wanted to share I’m better today, and how I think I got there. And just want to say hi to you guys and hope you’ve had a great day.

How are you? Who else is eagerly awaiting Shane Dawson’s new series with episode one posting today, 10/1/19?

Love to you all. xoxo

(Image credit: randomhouse)

A L O N E and i do not understand why

Why don’t people want to be in my life, I wonder. God, I wonder what’s wrong with me.

I just want to die. It’s the truth. Lots of people, especially with mental illness do, but I’m just sharing about it. Here’s my truth.

I have a loving husband who works so hard and lots of hours.

I have a mom who is disabled and we don’t always get along so well.

I have a beautiful, talented son who is doing what he shouold be doing, which is growing and living and moving on.

I have sisters who will not speak to me. Not for years.

I had a best friend of decades stop speaking to me last year, and I still have no idea why.

I have one long distance friend. We are very close. But I don’t see her. And she and I don’t talk nearly as much as we used to.

I have another very good friend who I talk to a few times a week, and sometimes I see her when passing through my hometown.

I have a few supportive, lovely, online friends who understand Bipolar.

Beyond this, I’m alone. And I’m very lonely.

And of course I know I have God. But I want people, too. I want phone calls and hugs and interaction. There are so many people I’ve tried to befriend. I genuinely care for these people, and I truly don’t think they give a toss about me.

It’s getting bad. I’m feeling so low. Considering my old ways of self-harm. Feeling desperate, and there are moments of feeling suicidal.

This is not all to do with Bipolar, but it certainly doesn’t help.

Why am I sharing this? To be accountable, on the record, and in order not to do something bad to myself.

Thanks to you few who truly care. I know who you are.

Only Took One Scene

8.26.19 blog entry

Hey, guys. How are you? Please comment below. I sincerely wonder and care about you, and I would love to cultivate some friendships, and I always want this to be a place where people can reach out for help. โœŒ๐Ÿค๐Ÿ’›

If you know me in real life or have been a long time online friend, you know I think a lot about nature vs nurture. I’m not obsessed with it, but I’m close. I think if we could figure out a few key things such as emotional/sexual trauma, physical trauma, and if we could map brains to locate the gene (misfiring of synapses…whatever brains do) to find that kink that predisposes us so that we’ve ticked off all the boxes and ding! ding! ding! we develop Bipolar Disorder (or whatever MI plagues you), maybe we could kick Bipolar’s ass. If we could find the correct connection. Crack the flippin’ code.

All of that being said in order for you to understand I think about it a lot. My writing isn’t all that technical tonight because I was forced to take a pain pill. My knee pain… I couldn’t stand it anymore. So, hopefully you follow this BS I’m putting out there. If you don’t, please don’t give up on me. Read some entries before and after.

So, what got me thinking about this for the 500th time is something I saw in a movie. It involved a young girl, maybe 10 years old, and her dad. He was telling her a nighttime story, totally making it up. They laughed and also had a bit of a serious talk. It looked lovely. As we watched the movie, I paused it and told my husband that I wasn’t told bedtime stories, nor were books read to me. Not with my mom. I lived with her 90% of the time, especially when she moved me over four hours away from my own dad.

Anyway, I didn’t have the picturesque house with the cute fence, a dog, conversations about what I learned in school that day, no happy “please pass the potatoes” moments during dinner. Dinner was filled with yelling and screaming. Often dishes were broken. Sometimes, when Vodka was involved, things got worse. I had to stop decorating for Christmas because my step-father would destroy the decorations. I had a cat I adored. Step-dad didn’t like cats. Kept scaring her, and she ran away. My step-father did give me a dog, it’s true, but within a month it was his dog.

So, when I saw this scene in the movie, I told my husband that I felt robbed.

However, I then recalled having the best talks with my dad when I visited him. Funny, encouraging, inspiring, sad… just something real, and definitely love.

My mom hates that my dad treated me better than he did her. I only have her story to go by as to their lives together. They divorced when I was two years old. I don’t remember them together. And yes, I saw him treat my step-mother badly sometimes, but he and she worked it out. My dad was good to my sisters and myself. I guess sometimes you can be a better parent than spouse, especially when dealing with MI. And to be fair, I didn’t live with him, but I loved him and our relationship. My mother recently told me she wishes my dad would’ve lived longer so I could see his true nature. There are so many things wrong with that. F**k you.

He died when I was 15 years old, my sister 14 years old, and the baby sister had just turned 4 years old. He died of a heart attack playing baseball with his church league. And something broke inside us that day. Sadly, my two younger sisters would sustain even more painful losses, and though we rarely communicate, I think of them often, and I pray for them. My step-mother as well.

I reckon I’m babbling. But that scene in that movie brought out so many things. Then, once I experienced the entire movie – wow! Extraordinary film written and directed by Casey Affleck. He also stars in it. “Light of My Life.” Check it out.

Thanks for listening. I’m sure you’ve all been there. Something you see or hear or even touch brings back a ton of memories. Or maybe they’re just right there under the surface begging to escape. I felt better after crying, and I feel even better after typing this up. Maybe if I did this more often, I wouldn’t be as ill. Hard to say.

So my thoughts on nature vs nurture. Both. Both can suck it up and combine with being “predisposed,” and here come the mental illness.

But we’ll get through it. Love and light to you all. ๐Ÿ’œโ˜ฎ

(๐Ÿ“ธ credit: Google images)

Extremely Depressed

8.2.19 blog entry

I’ve been having trouble writing lately.

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I am so depressed. There is no reason I ‘should’ be. Nothing newly bad or upsetting has popped up. Things are status quo. Even a few big, fun things on the horizon. Doesn’t matter though. I can barely get up. I’m sleeping a lot. I am starting to feel that paranoia biting at me.

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Just gotta keep trying.

Weighted Blankets and Sleeping Masks

7.30.19 blog entry

Question & looking for advice/feedback – have any of you guys tried weighted blankets and/or weighted eye masks to help alleviate headaches, sinus issues, anxiety and/or stress?

blog stress mask

(Image Credit: thegrommet.com)

Did you experience good and positive results?

I’m adding a couple of links – one an article and one an item for sale. I’m considering the mask especially.

 

https://smartsleeptech.com/tools/weightedblanket-lt.php?affId=B30A00E5&c1=edjuh7_ayem&c2=blanket

https://www.amazon.com/Weighted-Gravity-Creator-Blanket-Science/dp/B07C62RHLF

 

 

BD Comorbidity

“BD comorbidity was independently associated with panic disorder with agoraphobia, impulse control disorders, and suicide attempts.

Patients with OCD and BD present greater severity, including higher suicide risk, and require specific treatment strategies.”

BP blog comorbidity 2

(Image Credit: seattlewordsmith)

Check out this article about Bipolar Disorder, OCD and other disorders, that combine to form what is called comorbidity. I know many people with Bipolar Disorder through blogging, becoming more active in the mental health community and past support groups, as well as therapy. Every single one of them has Bipolar Comorbidity – Bipolar with other psychiatric disorders and/or Bipolar with medical diseases and ailments. It can be overwhelming and seemingly unmanageable. Your body and mind can go to a very dark and dangerous place.

For more information, and as always, to help educate and eradicate stigma, read the article below from sciencedirect.com in the Journal of Affective Disorders.

BP blog comorbidity

(Image Credit: Medscape)

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0165032719305506

 

 

 

A Better Day

7.15.19 blog entry

Better ๐ŸŒž

Today has been a better day. I wish that I could tell you it’s because of something special I did. Something specific. However, I have done the same thing today as I do every other day, which is trying to do my strengthening exercising and cardio for the sometimes crippling, and most of the time debilitating, fibromyalgia.

Emotionally and mentally I’ve done better today – again I don’t know why. I didn’t read anything special. I didn’t create anything special. I didn’t listen to anything special, or even watch anything special. The best I can remember I was actually in a trance yesterday, and every once in awhile come to and wonder what I had been sitting and doing. I’m not saying I dissociated. I’m simply saying that I totally checked out. Is it possible that that’s what I needed?

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Did I need to just check out more often – give myself that permission – and take care of myself emotionally, mentally and physically!? I don’t know maybe it just all boils down to the damn chemicals just like it always has and always will with Bipolar Disorder. I don’t know.

I do know that I’m thankful that I feel a little bit better this evening. And I know that I’m about to do some drawing and listen to some music, and hopefully continue to enjoy my evening before I fall asleep.

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I hope that all of you guys reading this are doing well and/or getting better. Love and light to you all.๐Ÿ™โœŒ

Article By Kay Redfield Jamison

Fantastic article by Kay Redfield Jamison.

“We need more people – doctors, lawyers and other professionals – to talk about their experiences of living with Bipolar Disorder.” – KRJ

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(Photo Credit: Pan Macmillan)

Quick, informative read. We must educate ourselves and others in order to eradicate mental illness stigma and for survivors to receive better treatment.

https://www.irishtimes.com/life-and-style/health-family/bringing-humanity-to-the-study-of-bipolar-1.3938003

 

 

Drowning Again

7.8.19 blog entry

So, I could lie, or try to act outwardly more positive, but this blog is supposed to tell the truth of day to day life as a person struggling to survive Bipolar. Here’s the truth. I’m doing what I’m supposed to do such as art and writing. I’m listening to music. I’m doing strengthening exercises for my knees. Household bills. Cooking.

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Trying to write a blog entry. However, the truth is the truth. It’s just scary to tell the world sometimes. It’s frightening to say that today I understand why people with mental illnesses lose the fight. I get it, and that’s not good. And I feel so incredibly alone.

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I’m drowning.

Patellar Tracking Disorder and Other Stuff

7-3-19

So, I just want to congratulate everyone who keeps moving forward and surviving, as I am these days. I’m not accomplishing much more than that, but there is effort. Also rec’d new medical info about my knees that I’ll describe more later…basically my kneecaps aren’t staying where they should and are slipping. Has a fancy name as these things do but ultimately ends up with me wearing tailor-made and fit braces and probably a walker, and surgery(ies) down the line.

How are you guys doing? I’d like to know. โœŒ Sharing photo below as I promised to do when I began writing this blog. The good, the bad, ugly, all that jazz.

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Sometimes Music Says It Best

Okay, so the blasted article submission I’ve been busting my butt on was denied. Again. Received some helpful feedback, but I do wish I had received it the first time it was handed back to me. It would have been tremendously helpful. I was told that I have a charming writing style that unfortunately doesn’t fit their tone. Right now, I’m just going to move on and write something else. Something with no goal of publication anywhere in particular; just something that is mine and that makes me proud and happy. Write my way on out of here. Away from financial woes, physical pain, fear, anxiety, and a bunch of other BS that comes with Bipolar.

Check out In The End (Mellen Gi Remix) [feat. Fleurie] by Tommee Profitt feat. Fleurie on Amazon Music
https://music.amazon.com/albums/B07PQ1P5NC?trackAsin=B07PMXDSJ8&ref=dm_sh_GCpSzNveEkWyiyuZtecVWsoqX

 

Anyway, sometimes music says it best. I’m glad for that because I cannot allow myself to sink lower right now. If I do, I won’t get back up for a while, and I don’t have that time to spare. Between the pain and what I logically know only feels like temporary failure, I just cannot — CANNOT — allow myself to sink lower.

Check out Spectacular Now [Explicit] by G-Eazy on Amazon Music
https://music.amazon.com/albums/B07TDDGFPR?trackAsin=B07TBBYG83&ref=dm_sh_x16EmArgiooVsQJHx7yI9XIbg

 

 

Continuing To Try

6.25.19 blog entry

Just a quick note, I’m hurting everywhere. Pain is so, so intense I’ve considered the ER. Fibro flare-up. Arthritis flare-up. Thus, I’m not sleeping, which makes things worse, and I hurt more. So, I’m anxious and depressed about all of the above. However, I looked over the editorial comments I was given for an article I submitted to an online publication last week, and though I am scared shitless to fail again, I changed some things and resubmitted. So, at least I tried, and I know I did the right thing because my son is super proud of me for doing so.

faith

Anyway, as I said, brief tonight, but I just wanted to say I’ve not given up on any front, and I continue to try. Good luck to all you fine folks as well. ๐ŸŒฑโœŒ๐Ÿ€

(๐Ÿ“ธ:allaboutseniors.org)

White Noise, Any Noise

6.23.19 blog entry

Question – Do those of you with Bipolar, Anxiety, Depression and the like have a hard time with a sleeping routine?

I absolutely cannot lie in the dark minus music, nature’s sounds, rain sounds, white noise from the fan (even in winter) tv…you get the point. There must be some noise. For anyone asking why, it’s because I can’t just allow my mind to wander. My mind doesn’t dream of fairies, or Disney World, and what will happen in the next chapter of an engaging book I’m reading. No, my mind worries, and fears, and screams. No lie, that’s on a good day. So, I do whatever I can until I pass out.

white-noise-online

It’s not how the psychiatrist envisions the routine for me. It’s no, in bed by 10:30 and up at 6:30. That’s the only point my psychiatrist of almost a decade and I do not see eye to eye on, the sleep issue. I just can’t seem to sway him. Sometimes, experience (or struggle) with an issue defies what books say should work.

Anyway, I must have some noise. Some distraction.

What about you guys?

 

(๐Ÿ“ธ: Google images)

Tryin’ But Ain’t Firin’

Hey, y’all. I’ve been trying to come up with something to write. I’m sorry. I just don’t have it in me. I’m tired. I just don’t have anything to say.

I woke this morning, mouth bleeding, because I had bitten my tongue in three places. I’m in extraordinary pain in hips, knees and back.

My son had a rough, emotional day, and when you have two Bipolars living together, that can be tricky. By his biological father and bullies/staff at school, for so long he was like a puppet with someone else pulling his strings. I’m so glad he finally cut those ties.

“What Happens When Someone With Bipolar Is A Caretaker For Two?” Coming soon to a screen near you.

Anyway, I’m tired. I know things will turn around. But damn. Hurry up. ๐Ÿ˜œโœŒ

 

Sick and Tired and Sick and Tired and…

I’m very sick.

I’m very tired.

I’m very sick and tired.

I wish for physical pain relief.

I wish for emotional pain relief.

It is all unrelenting. And while I don’t have any suicidal plans, I must say that sometimes I wonder to myself if it would be nice to sleep for about 30 years. I mean the kind of quick snap of your fingers that allows you to be gone while having surgery. Then, I would awake for a bit of time with family and friends, and then head on out one night in my sleep.

Worst Thing You Have Dealt With Because You Are Mentally Ill

Question. What’s the worst experience you’ve had with another person because you have Bipolar Disorder or any mental illness? What form of stigma? Was it from a friend, family, co-worker, etc? Was it a hurtful remark, someone undeserving being promoted over you at work? Was it due to ignorance or just plain gossip or even cruelty? Have you moved passed it? How did you stand up for yourself? Did you? And if you managed forgiveness, how?

Stigma-1a-healthyplace

 

Bipolar and Headaches

6.6.19 blog

A study of comorbidity of bipolar and headaches & yep, yep, I figured they were running buddies. I hate the headaches I have like right now when I’m clearly on the edge of hypomania and highly irritable and agitated.

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Good study. Good article.

The Bipolar Spectrum in Migraine, Cluster and Chronic Tension Headache

 

(Image credit: Google images)

Irritated Rant

6.6.19 blog entry

This is a weird one. Not weird so much as contradictory. What am I getting at exactly? Well, I’m full of contradictions tonight, a bunch of greys in a black and white world. I’m an introvert. I’m an extrovert when I have to be for the work I’m trying to do, or when I’m hypomanic. What a bitch of a situation. I want to be around people. I want to interact with people. However!! However… I get so tired of people and their stupid shit really quick.

Maybe I’m losing my patience as I get older. Maybe it’s being easily overly stimulated by excess, loud noise. Maybe it’s lack of tolerance for crap in general. Maybe it’s trying over and over to push that extroverted self forward to help others, promote the blog, submit witty and what I hope are insightful articles on various websites for publishing, and putting together what I think are nice decorations to sell. Maybe it’s just all that goes into that and often feeling like I’m spinning my wheels.ย I’m telling you what, my f**king head is pounding.

blog headache 2

I was doing fine, but then I began interacting with people tonight, and real quick I was like, nope no more. Can people stop treating me like a child, despite the fact that I’m acting like one right now? See the problem there? I seek out the interaction but when it gets rolling, sometimes it’s too much. I know. I know I’m acting like a child. Most of the time I don’t, so cut me a break. Constructive criticism has always been a welcomed thing for me, but when it becomes consistent from people over and over, it feels more like nitpicking.

This is one of those times when I know this is just my emotions fiddling with my brain and tomorrow or a day or two later, I’ll look at this and be embarrassed by how much I’m whining here. Nevertheless, Bipolar does toss my emotions all around, so I guess this is part of it. An ugly part. A part where I want people to be my friend and care about me and be concerned, yet I don’t want them to wear me out. Some people are harder to deal with than others. That’s just life. Most of the time I’m better at doing that. Tonight, I’m not. Tonight, I’m a two year old. Actually, that is a bad comparison as the two year old would have much better manners and a better hold of themselves for Pete’s sake!

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I have a massive ass headache, and I’m pissed at the world that I want to love me dearly.

I know, I’m a pain in the ass. I’m also ill. Any other of you guys with Bipolar go through this silly mess from time to time? Or maybe you have a loved one who has this dreaded disease? Do they go through this?

Sorry. Rant over.

Running Running Running

6.4.19 blog entry

I am doing something that I’ve come to understand as the only means I can do what I need to do in life. What is it I’m doing? I’m on the go, go, go! Move your ass mode! ๐Ÿƒโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿ‘ฉโ€๐Ÿ’ป๐Ÿณย Writing, chores, cooking… stuff that piles up when you have days during which you can do nothing.

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Hypomanic, trying to steer clear of full-blown mania. I have family watching to tell me if I’m rocketing out of the stratosphere ๐Ÿš€and letting me know it’s time for PRN meds.

For now, I’m good, but coming down hurts. It hurts mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. It’s true that my mental health affects my physical health affects my mental health affects my physical health. ๐Ÿ”

Here’s the deal though, when I’m physically and mentally down for at least half of my days, if not more, then those days that rarely come along when I can just dial it up to 11, I have to do so. It’s the only way I survive and keep my household flowing and family taken care of, even though it’s also breaking me down at a faster rate. Do I need a better plan? Yes. I’m not a fool. However, I haven’t found anything else that works, and I’ve tried for decades, even with help from doctors and therapists.

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Feel free to comment on how you make it work if you’d like. I always welcome respectful comments and conversations with me and among you guys if you wish to talk to one another. Love to you all. โœŒ๐ŸŽ—

Real Psychologist Reviews Mental Illness In Movies

5.29.19 blog entry

This psychologist’s review of various forms of mental illness in film is quite interesting. The specialist is watching clips of movies and discussing how accurate they are in depicting disorders and diseases such as Bipolar Disorder and Autism. Do give it a watch as we round out May – Mental Health Awareness Month.

(credit: BuzzFeedVideo)

Want To Be Done

5.24.19 blog entry

So, I’m gonna be honest with you guys. I always remind others to reach out for help. Here I am now doing just that. I’m feeling overwhelmed and in pain.

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I feel like my work won’t be published… sort of a “why would that website I’m so interested in want to print what I have to say?” Or, “why would anyone want to buy any decoration I made?”

And I’m so fracking tired of hurting so much, everywhere. I mean seriously, all the physical pain is just eating away at me and causing me to miss out on life.

I feel like a fraud. As happens in life, there have been some unforeseen circumstances that are causing some financial struggles. If we don’t get a hold of it quickly, we will drown.

And I’m frustrated… no, furious… that I can’t help my family.

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I just want it over and done. I don’t want to be on this earth anymore.

Take a Look at This Thought-Provoking Video by Luke Alexander

5.22.19 blog entry

I decided to share this. I think this post is quite thought-provoking. It’s about romanticizing mental illness on social media and where lines should be drawn. I do not agree with everything he says, but as I said, it got me thinking. I’m curious what you guys think, whether you have a Mental Illness or not.

I will call Trigger Warning for one part of this youtube post. The host himself tells you exactly when he begins discussing self-harm and suicide and what point to jump ahead to if you want to skip that part. It’s only a couple of minutes in a 14:19 minute youtube video.

Shows such as 13 Reasons Why, memes and drawings and art work about various MI are shown and discussed, in regards to what is self-expression vs. romanticizing things that are actually quite difficult. Luke Alexander, the host of the channel and this video, has been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, so he brings some understanding to the table immediately.

And let’s not forget, May is Mental Health Awareness Month. Talk to one another. Reach out for help. Ask questions. We must eradicate mental health stigma and misunderstandings – I know I always say that, but it’s because it’s fact. Love to you all and take care.

 

(credit: YouTube video post: Luke Alexander channel)

(photos: Google Images)

Invisible Illness and Stigma

5.12.19 blog entry

So, as we know, May is Mental Health Awareness Month. I’ve been thinking about stigma. How to eradicate it. The answer must be imparting knowledge; teaching.

The area where I’ve seen the most ignorance across the board, and have personally experienced, is to do with medication. I hear that psych meds are poison and unnecessary. I have heard the following.

Just go outside.

Just lighten up.

Meditate.

Get in shape.

Granted, all of that helps, but Bipolar Disorder is a chemical imbalance in the brain. It is a direct result from something wrong in your brain. If you have something wrong with an organ in your body, you treat it.

My own family has called me a pill-popper and told me I’m weak. Please. You do this for 20 years, and then talk to me about what is weakness and what is strength.

Invisible illnesses can sometimes be the most difficult to understand or grasp, I suppose. A person has an appendectomy and people bring them food for a week. A person goes through a depressive cycle and people might say stop moping, and they certainly don’t bring meals.

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So, I will just wrap up by saying people with Bipolar, with mental illnesses, with invisible chronic illnesses, are incredibly strong and brave. We’re also empathetic because we know suffering. I assure you, if I could exercise my way right on out of this, if it was that easy, well…I wouldn’t even have a blog because I would be cured.

We are fighters.

We are creative.

We are dreamers.

We are helpers.

We are intelligent.

The emotional reactions – good and bad – that we have are multiplied by ten.

Through it all, we have careers, raise children, help others, and have the foresight to know to give our husbands our medications during a particularly bad week, so that we don’t swallow them all. That’s not weakness. That kind of strength requires a raw vulnerability. It’s not easy.

If you have someone in your life dealing with MI or any other invisible disease, just reach out and speak to them. Ask how they are, and tell them you want to understand more. I bet when they are able, they will help educate you.โœŒ๐Ÿ™๐ŸŽ—

 

(๐Ÿ“ธ: kgun9)

Chipping Away at MH Stigma๐ŸŽ—

5.8.19 blog entry

What are some of the worst things you’ve heard or experienced that made you feel awful for having a chronic and/or mental illnesses? I’m interested to hear from people with diseases such as depression, anxiety, autism, bipolar and schizophrenia to name a few.

I mean, just check out this chart below. Certainly got my blood boiling.

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I’ve experienced the misuse of terms.

“This weather is so Bipolar!”

“When she’s on her period, she’s mental.”

And don’t even get me going on people talking down to me about med use. People in my family even, for Pete’s sake.

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. Let’s try to educate ourselves and others, comfort and care for ourselves and each other, and try to chip away at the stigma of the ignorant. (Not stupid. Ignorant. Uneducated. Two different things.)

Creation

5.8.19 ~ blog entry

Creation is beautiful. From the moment you first have an idea of something you want to create, to seeing it all the way through to its completion, it is an extraordinary process.

Think on this for a bit. In one moment, there’s nothing there, and in the next moment, there is existence. Poof, an origin.

Creation can be cathartic. One moment you’re flustered with writer’s block, and finally the sentence that feels right is typed on the page. You’re on your way. In the middle of the night, you can go to the refrigerator for a water and glance at the craft table and think to yourself that the yellows and oranges should be the predominant colors on the wreath. An hour later, you notice you never made it back to your bedroom, and you never drank the water, but the gorgeous wreath is now complete and ready to be hung in the living room or sold at next month’s summer festival.

Whatever it is that is your jamย  – whether it be writing, making table centerpieces, cooking, singing, drawing, painting, photography, posting encouraging videos, fostering animals until they’re adopted – you are creating. Creating something of love and motivation and kindnesses to others. There was once nothing where there now resides something.

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That something, along with the smile that graced your face while you constructed it, is a thing of beauty. Let’s face it, we need more smiling and beauty in the world. I’m not going to get all sappy and tell you to stop and smell the roses, except wait, that’s exactly what I’m going to do. Please stop and smell the roses. Please stop and look at the things you do well and feel the pride you deserve. Please stop and look at the things in your life that you created and smile. Then, go do more of it.

 

(image: barbaraannyoder)

Help Regarding Mental Health Issues

5.6.19 blog entry ~

 

May is Mental Health Awareness Month.

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Please reach out for help if you or a loved one need it. There is assistance if you have, or suspect, a Mental Illness, or if you’re a family member or friend who needs support and education. Often times, loved ones don’t think they should ask for help, or do not even know it’s offered.

https://www.nami.org/Find-Support

https://www.dbsalliance.org/support/chapters-and-support-groups/find-a-support-group/

Understanding what MI is and having others to talk to who are experiencing the same can do wonders. Knowing you are not alone can give you hope when you think there is none.

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Let’s take care of ourselves and one another with dignity, respect and love.

 

(Images: Google Images)

Anxiety, a Paralytic

5.4.19 ~ blog entry about anxiety

Sometimes, others can explain it better than yourself, particularly if you’re almost paralyzed by anxiety, which is what I have been the last few days.

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May is the month to discuss mental illness / mental health issues. If you can comment on what helps you out of deep, dark anxiety pits, please do so.

We want to eradicate mental illness stigma, so sharing here or on social media platforms is encouraged and appreciated. As ever, please reach out if you need help.

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(๐Ÿ“ธ: aliexpress)

It Is Easy, The End

4.28.19 blog entry ~

What I’m about to say is a basic truth, even if it’s not always easy. I almost began this entry saying it can be difficult to write regarding certain issues if those issues include your family, because I want to honor their privacy as well. But here’s the bottom line.

Do you.

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You do you.

Take care of you. Prioritize yourself. Tell others when you need help. It is not selfish. It’s not a clichรฉ; it’s the truth. If you are not taking care of yourself, you cannot help others.

The End.

Image Credit: Google Images

Grrr

4.25.19 ~ Grrr

I’m gonna have a chocolate or two. ๐Ÿฌ It’s been a trying day.

What do you guys do when you’ve had enough for the day?

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Some days are just frustrating and grrr’ish. I’ve hit my grrr level for the day, Lol! ๐Ÿ˜† Gonna escape and listen to a book. ๐ŸŽง๐Ÿ“š

How about you?

 

๐Ÿ“ธ: Dray-Gon deviantart

Do You Feel As Though You Have Helped

4.23.19 blog entry ~

Question: Do any of you reading, any who have mental health issues or chronically ill physical ailments, do you feel as though you’ve helped someone else suffering with something similar? Do you feel you’veย  been encouraging? That you’ve helped others?

If so, how? How did you help comfort them? Reach them? Maybe even talk them down off of that proverbial ledge?

Just a thought that passed through my mind, so I thought I’d reach out and ask.

 

if you need help blog

Take care of and love yourself and others.

Photo Credit: Google Images

My Easter, How About Yours

4.22.19 blog entry ~ Easter

Hey, guys. How are we? Holidays can be full of varying emotions. Everyone make it through okay? Anyone need to talk?

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I messed up. I did a lot of physical household chores, and then computer help for my mom, stuff like that. Did this Friday and Saturday. I was feeling hypomanic, so I took advantage of the energy and got stuff done, but Sunday morning, I couldn’t attend Easter services, and that bummed me. I was physically hurting too much, and in the three days prior, combined total I had four hours sleep. However, we watched The Passion of the Christ at home, and I sobbed. We prayed. I managed to make Easter lunch – pasta. Lol.

Today, I’m trying not to fall into full-on dysphoric mania. I’ve been quite close, because I feel so much rage and want to smash something. Therefore, I purposefully tried slowing myself down with calming strategies and PRN anxiety meds. I’m pleased to report everyone in my home still has their heads intact. Yay for small miracles.

I will mention, I tried connecting with my supposed best friend of years and my sister, and neither replied. Again. Just give up, Jen! They didn’t care when I was in the hospital, or when I sent them images of my son’s graduation photos, which hurt me dearly. (Especially the latter.) I’ve tried so many times, but they flat ignore me. I want to send them each a message. However, I do not want to send something in this mood and possibly later regret it. So, I’ll reassess later. Maybe have a friend read it before I send it. Sometimes though, I feel like this is the mood in which I’m most honest and not trying to sugarcoat things and make the necessary excuses for them.

So yeah, I had a lovely Easter with my family, and I even went to a shop in town on Saturday and picked up a few comics on sale and talked to the owners about the SA Comic Con. That was really cool.

But I will have to eventually send the two ladies I was talking about a letter listing my hurt feelings but offering forgiveness and wishing well being, just so that I can gain the closure I need. Closure and the act of letting go can be cathartic.

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Maybe I could write the letters and not send them.

Overall, I’m good.

Off subject, you guys gonna see Avengers Endgame this weekend?

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Love you all. Take care. โœŒ

 

๐Ÿ“ธ: Google images

Back Home

4.18.19 blog entry ~ Back Home

So, I’m feeling some better. I have a bit more energy, and I feel…well, I almost feel…like things are more manageable. That is definitely not something I believed a day or two ago. I guess going to the hospital with symptoms mirroring heart issues and being admitted to the hospital, coupled with the likes of nitro and potassium, would rock me to my core. My own dad died of his third heart attack at the age of 44, after all. I’m 42. And his dad died of the same issue at age 47. So, I went, I saw, and was stuck with tons of needles, underwent many tests, and lived to tell the tale. My heart is healthy. I’m stunned. Based on family history and medications alone, never mind our poor diet since I’m not able to cook all the time. But hey, a win is a win!

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I’m home now, but I am still experiencing the same pain. That part makes me angry.

I’m tired of physical and mental ailments. “Sick and Tired” – perfect description. Just gotta keep putting one foot in front of the other, I suppose.

A friend told me I’m an inspiration to her because, “You keep going, love.” Eh. To which I replied that I just continue breathing because of these sorts of invisible life support machines that won’t let me go. A large part of me still believes that, but I’m starting to come back round and count my blessings. Tonight, I even enjoyed watching and smelling rain and freshly cut grass. That was a nice Reset Button, if you will. I’ve been listening to my favorite playlists via Amazon Music – performers such as Halsey, Bruce Springsteen and Billie Eilish, and watching whatculture on youtube. I just love that channel with its discussion of films, comic books and gaming. And heck, I’m writing this, and I’ve chosen a new book to read. Those are good indicators of my better moods. Anything like that, as well as creating craft dรฉcor and reading/writing poetry are significant and usually mean good things, even if my poetry reads as “dark.”

Anyway, I’m managing. How are you guys? Anything new? Anything you need or want to share?

Take care of yourself, and when you can, each other.

 

(photo credit: guysandgoodhealth)

I Might Have Punched Him

4.10.19 blog entry

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So, I have internet access again. I’m outta food, though. I mean, my son has food, so no worries there. I’m in tremendous pain. Congestion in my chest, I guess, and maybe a little anxiety, too. Additionally, my right side and wrap around to right muscle in my upper and middle back is making it hard to breathe. I think I will see the doctor soon, and I’m having some sort of something that might need my psychiatrist’s input. Some sort of weird lucid dream/dissociation crossover thing.

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Weird thing, last night after a spell of it, I journaled that I just wished these problems could take the form of a person so I might punch him/her. And today, we wake to my husband having a black eye. So….. ๐Ÿ˜ถ

Anyway, I’m choosing to be vulnerable here to share what this disease encompasses and creates sometimes, and also to simply explain where I’ve been. I’ll attach a photo of myself because I’ve always said this blog will show the good, bad and all the crap and shades of gray in between.

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I’m better than I sound, and my husband knows about this. There’s a plan in place. I’ll update soon and hopefully share that I’m feeling better. Take care of yourselves and each other, as always. โœŒ๐Ÿ’›

At Least I Have the Marvel Tickets

So, I really jacked things up! I somehow have managed not to pay my internet bill, but… wait for it… I do have 4- 3D IMAX Avengers Endgame tickets purchased!

How did I do this, you may wonder.

Very simply, I wrote it down in my calendar incorrectly and thought I would pay it on the 5th when in reality, it was late as of the 3rd. Grrr. I called the service provider, and they wouldn’t extend it. Grrr. I’ll be looking for a new provider. Two days! They wouldn’t do a two day extension, but I digress.

So, tomorrow, which is Thursday the 4th, I’m not going to have any internet service but I will be back Friday. It’s really quite ridiculous!

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However, it led me to think, how many of the rest of you deal with memory issues, and organizational issues, and just sometimes spacing out and getting things jacked up issues? If so, why do you think that is? โœŒโ˜ฎ

3:33 a.m.

Okay, so I don’t sleep well at night. Started in early teen years – tried everything – routines and meds, believe me. Even if I do manage to fall asleep at a normal time, I wake. Almost every single night, I look at the clock at 3:33 a.m.

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(image credit: infinityexplorers)

I decided to look up the time 3:33 after seeing it again a few minutes ago. I Googled a question asking if there’s any significance to always seeing triple threes in the early hours.

Here’s what I found in the first hit.

https://willowsoul.com/blogs/numbers/4-reasons-why-you-are-seeing-333-the-meaning-of-333

I guess this is just a random post, not much about Bipolar, except for insomnia and jacked up sleeping patterns. โœŒโ˜ฎ

March 30th World Bipolar Day

“The life expectancy of patients with bipolar disorder is reduced by about 10 years, likely due to medical comorbidity, high suicide rates and adverse lifestyles.”

Attaching the entire article below for reading. Share any feedback you wish. Opening up discussion.

https://blogs.biomedcentral.com/on-medicine/2019/03/27/world-bipolar-day-controversies-bipolar-disorder/

 

Anyway

3.26.19 blog entry

Ugh. This won’t be a happy entry. Not a long one, either. Just feeling like such a loser and battling the whole, “why bother.” Feel like such an absolute, utter waste of space. Just really don’t think I can do anything more than breathe. I don’t feel like I can help my family or myself. I feel so alone. I fake it throughout the days just to cry at night. Anyway…..

Social Anxiety and Bipolar Disorder YouTube Link

3.19.19 blog entry

I stumbled upon some things Hannah Blum has to say about Bipolar Disorder and Social Anxiety. Please take a quick 3.5 minutes to hear as she shares her experiences and stories. This is motivating, and I will definitely check out more on HealthyPlace.

 

when it rains, it pours TRUTH

it’s been quite a long time since I have updated you guys. If you are someone with bipolar or someone who suffers with depression you can understand why I have not posted in a month. I have been going through a lot. My family has as well, but mostly I’m going to be speaking about myself… my part. It’s just been a month of depression due to being out of meds for two weeks and then playing catch up and trying to mentally level back out after getting the meds back. But then on top of that there’s been a lot of physical pain and a lot of spiritual, mental health as well as physical health issues. Financial issues too.

lately the circumstances of my life seem keen to prove to me the legitimacy of the saying, “when it rains, it pours.”

one of the biggest issues – my pain management doctor’s office called me yesterday before my appointment to let me know that I had a $665 balance with them and that they would not see me until I have that paid… in full. At which point I asked does that mean no medication refills as well to which they replied, yes. They claim they have been sending bills to my address (I have not received a bill) but my main question was… if I’ve been a client of yours for 3 1/2 years, why in the world would you know that I would pay my bills and then just decide to stop all the sudden and not pay the $665. And when I was checking in for my appointments (almost monthly) why didn’t anyone ever flag me and let me know my outstanding balance was/is building up. So, I’m furious and angry and upset and just so downtrodden and worried and sad about that. I wanna scream and cry all at once. one reason I’ve not written many blog entries lately is due to the pain in my hand. I was supposed to receive an injection for it yesterday, but then I got that call.

as for the issues my husband and i are facing, we did have a date night a couple of days ago. had dessert at ihop and started some interesting and fun conversations using “conversation starters for couples.” it’s from gary chapman, and i love the devotional he did with his wife. we have had a few pitfalls already since deciding to stay together and work it out. in particular, there was a decision he made solely without discussing it with me, and it cost us a significant amount of money we just don’t have right now. he also lied to me. nothing huge, what kids would call little white lies (or is that grandparents who say that) and the white lie was done because he was fearful it would make me think I should go through with the separation. i get that fear, but now is absolutely not the time to lie to me. but we talked and sorted through it. and as soon as we are financially able to see a therapist, we will. i guess the the point is, we’re working on communication.

we’re doing a different thanksgiving this year for a few reasons. we’re going to have two or three papa murphy’s take and bake pizzas and their garlic cheese bread, as well as birthday cake and ice cream for my mom. we will do that wednesday, then hit a movie or two on Thanksgiving. what about you guys that celebrate? what are your plans?

do y’all do black friday sales? me – only online!

(image credit: LJworld.com)