Christmas Mexican Feast

12.6.18 blog entry.

Hello, everyone. Hope you are well. I’m feeling quiet these days. I’m not depressed…I don’t think so, anyway. I am certainly struggling with chronic pain and illness, but I’m getting through it. My son has really stepped up and is helping us quite a bit.

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Looking forward to Christmas. We’re thinking Mexican food.

Does anyone else do something that’s not exactly traditional for Christmas Day Meal?

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We usually open gifts Christmas Eve night, attend a church service, and then on Christmas Day have tacos, taquitos, chips & salsa (you get the idea) and then hit a movie or two. Anyone have a film recommendation?

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Holidays can often times be very difficult for those of us with mental illness. How are you guys doing?

Take care of yourselves and each other. ๐ŸŽ…๐Ÿ™โค๐Ÿ’š๐ŸŽ„๐ŸŒฎ๐ŸŒฏ

Oh What a Difference

11.28.18 blog entry ~ Oh What a Difference

Twenty-four hours ago I thought I would get nothing accomplished today and just prayed I would be able to get out of bed this morning. I was dealing with depression, anxiety and paranoia was trying to set up shop in my mind. Today, a totally different person. This version got things done, got above and beyond bonus type stuff done and feels well.

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With Bipolar, I always know what goes up must come down and all that jazz. I know 24 hours can make all the difference, and oh, what a difference…problem being that it cuts both ways.

I get done what I can on the good days and take the win.

Take care of yourselves and each other. โœŒ๐Ÿ’›๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ’™

 

(Photo credit: Google images Health Magazine)

Common Denominator

11.26.18 blog entry Common Denominator

I’m not sure why. I have spent hours upon hours in days among days trying to figure it out. My mom once told me not to bother wasting time like that because after all, is the person or persons I’m thinking about even giving me a second thought. Possibly, but even so, they definitely don’t waste time on me with a third thought. And I’m actually not blaming all these people I’ve lost in my life because there have been LOTS, and what is the common denominator? Or rather, whom? Answer is simple. Me. I equal common denominator.

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I think I feel too intensely and describe too deeply and possibly even make others feel guilty about being overwhelmed with and by me. So, now they’re gone. Friends. Family. Even a first middle school aged boy that I liked – and who I believe liked me – even he and his wife won’t accept my friend request on Facebook. Really? And a friend of years has totally quit me. A friend since middle school and who was there for all the important wonderful new stuff, as well as the rough times, and vice versa.

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I think it’s the Bipolar and the intensity that comes along with it. Even though I’d never wish it on my worst enemy, I have often thought that if people could spend a week inside my mind, my body, they could sorta understand. But I can’t do that, obviously, so people seem to continue slipping away instead. I even fear the folks I have left will soon be gone. I’ve deleted my meetup groups. I don’t have it in me to make new friends, only to lose them. Damn. I’m exhausted. Just so tired of it. Actually, I’m just plain sad. Sad and broken hearted. ๐Ÿ’”

Thinking About Dad

I’ve been thinking about Dad.

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For years, I’ve heard friends talking about their dads attending their high school graduation and walking the brides down the aisle. I’ve listened to stories about how much dads love their grandchildren.

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This and so much more wasn’t in the cards for me, as I was only 15 years old when he died.

On top of that, I heard some disturbing things about him after his death, which I now question. Not certain I believe what I heard based upon the source and that person’s past. Or maybe I just want and need to believe that person lied to me.

So, I’m left with a lot of questions. I was also thinking about what I did in the days, weeks and months after he died. How did I cope? Because I know I certainly didn’t cry much. Had I, I think I would have never stopped. So, I threw myself into sports and listened to a ton of music. One song I repeated over and over was Cold November Rain by Guns N’ Roses. I could probably sing you every lyric from memory. Like right now, if you’d so wish.

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So yeah, anyway, where am I going with this?ย Well, it’s more of a rambling tonight, I guess. I did realize a connection between my 15 year old self and my 42 year old self. Both of us turn(ed) to music and physical activity (even though mine is limited now due to health conditions). And I suppose that’s a good way of coping. And I’m learning to forgive, as well as asking to be forgiven. I find it a shame that so often it’s easier to forgive once the person has passed away.

Thanks for listening. Take care of yourselves and each other. โœŒ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ’›

Hug your Dad. ๐Ÿ’™

Nothing

11.11.18 blog entry ~ Nothing

I got nothin’. Nothing really to say.

Preparing for my mom’s birthday, Thanksgiving and the holiday season. In quite a bit of physical pain. Have to go see a neurologist. Another specialist. I’m tired of them. I suppose, well I KNOW, I should be thankful that I have health insurance. So many don’t. Long ago, I heard someone say, “There will always be someone longing to experience your worst day.” I know that’s true. And hey, my son is doing well. My family is well. Hell, the cat is well. My friends are experiencing some struggles.

I think a lot of people experience medical and mental illnesses with more grace than I do. Many, many more. Way more grace. All I want to do sometimes is isolate, and that’s not because I don’t want to be around people; rather, I just want to feel free to feel like hell. I do not feel like I should do that in front of my family.

Anyway, I’m not bad off, but I’m not great. Living in the in between, as I just heard in a show last night called Picnic at Hanging Rock. Novel and movie before this Amazon series, yes. Australian folklore.

Anyway, one character mentioned to another that they need to live in the world of in between. Sounds exhausting to me, quite frankly.

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Anyway, I’m going to see the pain management specialist tomorrow. That will help a bit. We plan to see the latest version of The Grinch this week. The one with Benedict Cumberbatch. Do a little Christmas shopping, maybe.

Guess I had a little more than nothing, as it turned out.

Take care of yourselves and each other, guys. Love & Peace always. ๐Ÿ’™โœŒ๐Ÿ™

11.9.18 – God Knows Where I Am

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I just watched a fascinating and tragic documentary on Netflix called God Knows Where I Am.

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I recommend that anyone watch it for a better understanding of mental illness and how, even in what is supposed to be the best country in the world, a seriously ill woman could be released from a mental health facility and ultimately allowed to starve to death in an empty home in the middle of a brutally cold winter.

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As a person diagnosed as Bipolar with psychosis, it is terrifying.

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Three Identical Strangers

I’ve just watched a documentary called Three Identical Strangers, about triplets separated at birth who found each other at the age of 19 years old.

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I had no idea where the documentary was going, but it delved into nature vs nurture, and twins and triplets whose biological parents had some mental health issues, and their children studied years after. I should mention the kids were placed in completely different households – blue collar, middle income, affluent –ย  not even knowing they had identical siblings, all within a hundred mile radius. A set of female twins were in the documentary a bit as well.

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Bipolar and Schizophrenia were discussed (surprise), as well as suicide, all supposedly in the name of discovering, what is truly hereditary, what do we decide for ourselves, and – what I wonder and read about quite a bit – nature vs nurture.

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You might want to check it out, but please know it’s emotional.

Cathartic, I Guess

October 25, 2018 Blog Entry ~

Just bawled for 20 mins.

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Sobbed for family lost. Wept due to worries about friends. Cried because of unrelenting physical pain. Then, just let loose because of everything already mentioned and so much more. I wailed. You know what? I actually feel better. Going to listen to my @Halsey mix playlist and sleep…I hope.

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Here’s to all of us who keep putting one foot in front of the other and try to do some good along the way. Share love.

#cryingisnotweak #cryingiscleansing #cathartic #endurance #strength #love #forgiveness #blessed #bipolaruninvitedblog @ Kerrville, Texas

Ice Pick Lobotomies and More

*Trigger Warning*

My husband is watching Lore, S1E2 – Echoes.

Discussing everything from heinous Bedlum asylum history, such as allowing people to pay admission to walk through and watch chained *patients* be beaten and to marvel at others’ screaming at inner demons (guess after that the attendees went and had dinner at a fabulous restaurant) to ice-pick lobotomies (took 5-10 mins) to Rosemary Kennedy (park her elsewhere; she’ll be fine).

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I often think, “There but for the grace of God, go I,” and I tremble a bit while feeling the tiny hairs on the back of my neck stand up, wondering if in sixty years, people will read about things done to me, things done to my son, and use the word barbaric.

God help and bless us, gang. Let’s discuss when/if we wish. Let’s take care of each other. Let’s take care of ourselves. ๐Ÿ’™๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ’›โœŒ

Just Catching Up

BLOG ENTRY 10.15.18

JUST CATCHING UP ~

Not doing well, guys, but wanted to check in and ask how y’all are doing.

Me, I’m struggling physically, even moreso than usual, and it’s beating me up emotionally.

However, I see a Neurologist on Wednesday. Maybe that will help. Seeing my Psychiatrist the following week. And I’m forcing myself to continue stretching and strengthening exercises. Sleeping a ton, though, because I’m in so much pain. Have hardly any energy. Definitely going to request new blood work.

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Anyway, how are you guys doing?

Let’s continue helping each other and taking care of ourselves, even if that requires a new specialist every once in a while, followed by a relaxing massage.

F5HERD

 

World MH Day

Mental Health IS Medical Health. Just because mental health, and many chronic illnesses and autoimmune disorders for that matter, cannot be seen, doesn’t mean they don’t exist.

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Let’s take care of ourselves and each other. Let’s share our stories with others. Let’s insist on being treated for medical issues that can and *cannot* be seen.

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Shout Out

Blog entry ~ 10.7.18

Sincere and honest shout-outs, thanks and love sent to those of you who involve yourself in my life, and allow me to be a part of yours. No matter the distance, the circumstances or the past. No matter if you are also depressed or anxious.

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You, like me, care enough to check in with a friend or family member. This is one of the most important and loving things we can do for each other.

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Domino Effect

Domino Effect ~ 10.3.18

Kindness begets kindness.

Hope begets hope.

Honesty begets honesty.

Support begets support.

Art begets art.

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Does your friend know you love him/her because you were sure to remind him/her of that today?

From whom did you receive encouragement because you had, in the past, motivated that person?

What did you create today based on a poem you read, or a song you heard?

Bipolar (and any chronic illness) can rob us of being able to do these things, but if we stick together, I believe we’ll make it.

Take care of yourselves and each other.

Love, light and peace. ๐Ÿ’›๐Ÿ™๐ŸŒžโœŒ

FIRST

*Poem, possible trigger warning*

FIRST by jenm_curry 2018

I was the first born
But I was second choice.
What did I do to make you leave?
Did I talk too much, make too much noise?

I was first wife
But now he’s with number three.
Told the kissing wasn’t quite right
And not enough time on my knees.

I was a first best friend
BFF – best friends for life.
But no texts returned, no calls answered.
Stabbed with a jagged, killer’s knife.

If I was the next one
To reach for the pills or that loaded gun.
Would anyone even notice
That I’m long since gone?

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Honest- Know That Upfront

Honesty, letting you know up front that’s what you’re about to read.

Been sick. Can’t kick it.

MRI said early onset demyelination. That could be linked to two autoimmune disorders I already have, or early detection of MS.

My best friend isn’t talking to me anymore, and I’ve no idea why. It hurts. Badly. Maybe… maybe I’m just too much sadness, sickness, brokenness, cancerous … maybe it’s emotionally too much for her. Maybe she’s afraid my life is infectious.

I mean, yeah, I’ve got issues, but I’ve been there for her for years.

Decades.

I don’t get it. And I have a lot of beauty in my life. And you know what? I think I do a damn good job of sharing that, too.

It’s not just her. Family is crappy towards me as well, but my best friend of 25+ years hurts wayyyy more than judgemental in-laws.

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Just sick and tired right now.

Taking a Beating

Received some concerning news regarding my MRI. Will update once I’ve digested a bit more. In the meantime, sharing a poem I wrote. If people like it, maybe I’ll share more. Love & Peace. Let’s take care of ourselves and each other. โœŒ๐Ÿ’›๐Ÿ™

ONCOMING TIDE by @JENM_CURRY 2018

Sitting by the phone
Waiting for a call
From family or a friend
But again, nothing at all.

Staring out the window
Maybe I’ll see a friend’s car
But truth is, they’re not that interested
When things start to fall apart.

See, it’s easier to deal with fun me
The one not rotting inside and out
Easier to go along pretending
Hiding things they’ll never know about.

Sitting in the dark
Hoping for a text
Nothing coming through, though
Except what medically happens next.
(And the doctor, he says more tests.)

Look, as far back as I can remember
Ages four, five, maybe six
Been told I was over-reacting
Hypochondriac, crazy chick!

Family calls me pill-popper
Accused of emptying bank accounts
Not even true. But so what?
That’s not what life is all about.

More and more by myself
Husband works, kid in school
Always dreamt of being something grand
What a misguided, loser, failure, fool.

People say count your blessings
Agreed, and I’ve done that quite a lot
But people continue to disappear
Who I thought were friends are not.

Looking forward to the day
Without weighing best methods of suicide
Days filled with my Savior and no pain
Somewhere on the other side.
(I’ll watch for you in the oncoming tide.)

*photo cred from deviantart by diogomoura*

 

 

Mental vs Physical and the Role Stigma Plays

Agree or Disagree? Thoughts?

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(Photo credit nami_westside_los_angeles)

I find this list fitting my experiences. I think a lot of the reason I have been treated differently regarding physical illness vs mental illness is due to stigma. Still.

End-Stigma

We are still struggling with the stigma. Being a hundred percent honest, I don’t know how we are going to end it, but I know I’m ready to work for it. ๐ŸŽ—โžฐ

Irritated but Why

Watching carefully to see if steroid shot I received for my shoulder has thrown me into a hypomanic episode.

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I’m quite irritable and not sleeping as much. However, I feel I have a right, long overdue at that, to be flustered with the people and actions that are bothering me, the stuff I termed irritable. And of course, I’m also awaiting brain MRI results – no fun. Plus side,ย  when I do sleep, it’s quality sleep.

So, as I mentioned, I’m watching carefully.

Hope you’re all well. Take care of yourselves and one another. If you need to, reach out for help or to just chat with someone. ๐Ÿ’›โœŒ๐Ÿ™

Does BP Affect Your Opinion

Hey guys, so I have a question.

I know that based on Bipolar mood swings due to mania, hypomania and depression, we can feel very intensely in both directions. Poorly stated, I’m trying to say that we can be very down and depressed one day and have a very bleak look, and the next day have a very bright, happy, positive outlook. But I’m wondering, do any of you actually have what you feel like are two different people inside of you?

For me, the severity of the mood swings not only affects how I feel, but it can actually change my opinion. Core, important issues, such as abortion stance, death penalty opinion, welfare and food stamp refor….. Things of that nature.

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Do any of you guys cross the line from one day to the next, or from one month to the next, depending on mood swings, and your opinion actually changing because of how you’re affected by the Bipolar? If so, how do you know where you truly stand?

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On Suicide

Reasons I’m Glad I Did Not Commit Suicide.

– Love for my family.

– Specifically speaking of my son, because if there is suicide in your family, you’re more likely to take your own life. Add to that, he too has Bipolar Disorder, that would set up disaster for him.

– Simple things, though they may sound silly or trivial, but honestly – birds, flowers, rivers & oceans & swimming, pizza ๐Ÿ•, music, arts and crafts, and every once in awhile, writing something halfway decent.

– Happy to help just one person out there know they are not alone in having Bipolar, or any Mental Illness, or Chronic Illness, for that matter.

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Reason I’m Afraid I Will Eventually Commit Suicide.

– Because I have Bipolar Disorder 1 with Psychosis & I Am Tired.

Please feel free to post here with feelings, thoughts, experiences…..

Know that you are not alone. WE ARE NOT ALONE, and though there is still a long way to go, we are gaining ground and speaking out.

Let’s start yelling! ๐Ÿ—ฃ

Keep fighting! ๐Ÿ‘Š

Take care of yourselves and each other & treat yourself gently. Rock on, people. โœŒ๐Ÿ’›

Two Sons

Two Sons ~ 9.10.18 ~ blog entry

I have two sons.

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One who loves me, treats me adoringly, helps me in any way he can, is creative, helps his friends, extends kindness to *misfits* at school, and is all around loveable.

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I have another son who has black eyes, misreads and misunderstands things you say, becomes loud, belligerent and cruel, and is not only emotionally abusive, but physically abusive as well.

Unfortunately, both of my sons live in ONE human body. He has Bipolar, and he faces these awful hardships brought with it.

Even sadder, he inherited this from me.

Between our two human bodies, reside four people. I’m glad that we are strong enough to know that when it all settles, we love each other very much and are trying our best.

But my gosh, what a heartbreaking challenge. Within two days, each of us have expressed wanting to be done with Bipolar, done with this world. (I didn’t say that in front of him, of course.)

However, imagine your child coming to you and saying that he feels so awful and hopeless, that mom better take his medication into her room for the night because he is considering swallowing all of them.

So, tomorrow we set out for more help. On this day in particular, World Suicide Prevention Day, I found it important to share our story.

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Love yourselves and each other. Take care of yourselves and each other. ๐ŸŽ—๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ’›โœŒ

Slippery Slope

Slippery Slope ~ 9.8.2018

Have you ever had surgery? You’re knocked out and next thing you know, you’re awake… usually uncomfortably awake. This gap between counting back from 10 and not even making it to 7, to later awaken to nurses asking you how you feel, this gap has always fascinated me. (Well, since I was 21 and had my first back surgery, but I digress.)

It is interesting to me that it doesn’t feel like sleep, not for me anyway. There is no remembrance of a dream, certainly no feeling of rest. There is no seeing a bright light or feeling warmth. There’s just being there one minute and back the next, only in reality, hours have passed.

What am I talking about, you might wonder. Why? What’s the point?

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(Photo credit: The Tangled Escape, quirkybytes)

Well, it’s simple, actually. My mind is fried. I don’t want surgery, and I know that I can’t sleep for days in a row under that kind of anesthesia. I don’t want to leave this earth yet, mostly because of my family.

What I need is that anesthesia black out. For like two weeks, maybe three.

Escape.

Allow my body and mind (mostly) to just call a time-out.

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(Photo Credit: hwwcnow.org)

I’m so tired. I’m on a slippery slope here, wishing for something like that.

Peace and love. ๐Ÿ™โœŒโค

Share in September

September is Suicide Prevention Month

In the coming days, I’m going to share my struggle with suicidal ideation and near-attempts.

Please, this month, and any month for that matter, share your story. It will help you, and it will help others.

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It is imperative we remember we are not alone. โœŒ

It Is Trying but I Keep Trying

I have nothing to say. I just thought I should share I’m alive, yet struggling because I invite others to share when they’re struggling, when they need help.

This chronic physical pain – fibro, arthritis, lumbar fusion – is wearing me down. I just feel like I can’t any more. I know I can and will, but it feels as though all is lost right now. Dangerous place to be.

Last night, I was hallucinating. I awoke with the back of my head sensitive and in pain, like to the touch, as if I hit my head. My face was tingling. So much pain.

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I’m so tired. So sad.

Take care of yourselves and each other, guys. ๐Ÿ™โœŒ๐Ÿ’™โญ

Self Care Brainstorming

Self-Care Ideas.

What do you do to pamper yourself? How do you take care of you each day? What about those really stressful days?

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Or, are you negligent in this area? If so, why?

Join the conversation. You are not alone. ๐Ÿ’š๐Ÿ‘ฉโ€๐Ÿ’ป๐Ÿ‘จโ€๐Ÿ’ปโžฐ๐ŸŽ—๐Ÿ’š

The Struggle Is Blah Blah Blah

8.26.18

Still struggling… with moments of being okay. I’m aiming for contentment. Almost there. Just flying high and plunging way too low, way too quick, back to back. Tired… and the physical pain – forget about it.

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(Photo credit nerdist.com)

Feeling defeated at times. Still know I’ll be okay. Thank God I’ve not lost the plot 100% and that I know that deep inside somewhere.

How are you, friends? Take care of yourselves and each other. Let us know here if you need help. ๐Ÿ’›๐Ÿ™โœŒ

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The Wall

I’ve not given up writing or on the blog. I’m just so tired from being in so much physical pain. It is absolutely essential I do the best I can to keep my mental and emotional health in check.

Sometimes, writing and sharing feel overwhelming. So, my only choice just now is to share that bit with you.

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(Image credit Dax Fit Life.)

How are you guys doing? What do you do when you hit this wall?

Take care of yourselves and each other. โœŒ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ’›