Just Catching Up

BLOG ENTRY 10.15.18

JUST CATCHING UP ~

Not doing well, guys, but wanted to check in and ask how y’all are doing.

Me, I’m struggling physically, even moreso than usual, and it’s beating me up emotionally.

However, I see a Neurologist on Wednesday. Maybe that will help. Seeing my Psychiatrist the following week. And I’m forcing myself to continue stretching and strengthening exercises. Sleeping a ton, though, because I’m in so much pain. Have hardly any energy. Definitely going to request new blood work.

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Anyway, how are you guys doing?

Let’s continue helping each other and taking care of ourselves, even if that requires a new specialist every once in a while, followed by a relaxing massage.

F5HERD

 

World MH Day

Mental Health IS Medical Health. Just because mental health, and many chronic illnesses and autoimmune disorders for that matter, cannot be seen, doesn’t mean they don’t exist.

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Let’s take care of ourselves and each other. Let’s share our stories with others. Let’s insist on being treated for medical issues that can and *cannot* be seen.

Mental-Health

Shout Out

Blog entry ~ 10.7.18

Sincere and honest shout-outs, thanks and love sent to those of you who involve yourself in my life, and allow me to be a part of yours. No matter the distance, the circumstances or the past. No matter if you are also depressed or anxious.

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You, like me, care enough to check in with a friend or family member. This is one of the most important and loving things we can do for each other.

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Domino Effect

Domino Effect ~ 10.3.18

Kindness begets kindness.

Hope begets hope.

Honesty begets honesty.

Support begets support.

Art begets art.

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Does your friend know you love him/her because you were sure to remind him/her of that today?

From whom did you receive encouragement because you had, in the past, motivated that person?

What did you create today based on a poem you read, or a song you heard?

Bipolar (and any chronic illness) can rob us of being able to do these things, but if we stick together, I believe we’ll make it.

Take care of yourselves and each other.

Love, light and peace. πŸ’›πŸ™πŸŒžβœŒ

FIRST

*Poem, possible trigger warning*

FIRST by jenm_curry 2018

I was the first born
But I was second choice.
What did I do to make you leave?
Did I talk too much, make too much noise?

I was first wife
But now he’s with number three.
Told the kissing wasn’t quite right
And not enough time on my knees.

I was a first best friend
BFF – best friends for life.
But no texts returned, no calls answered.
Stabbed with a jagged, killer’s knife.

If I was the next one
To reach for the pills or that loaded gun.
Would anyone even notice
That I’m long since gone?

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Honest- Know That Upfront

Honesty, letting you know up front that’s what you’re about to read.

Been sick. Can’t kick it.

MRI said early onset demyelination. That could be linked to two autoimmune disorders I already have, or early detection of MS.

My best friend isn’t talking to me anymore, and I’ve no idea why. It hurts. Badly. Maybe… maybe I’m just too much sadness, sickness, brokenness, cancerous … maybe it’s emotionally too much for her. Maybe she’s afraid my life is infectious.

I mean, yeah, I’ve got issues, but I’ve been there for her for years.

Decades.

I don’t get it. And I have a lot of beauty in my life. And you know what? I think I do a damn good job of sharing that, too.

It’s not just her. Family is crappy towards me as well, but my best friend of 25+ years hurts wayyyy more than judgemental in-laws.

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Just sick and tired right now.

Taking a Beating

Received some concerning news regarding my MRI. Will update once I’ve digested a bit more. In the meantime, sharing a poem I wrote. If people like it, maybe I’ll share more. Love & Peace. Let’s take care of ourselves and each other. βœŒπŸ’›πŸ™

ONCOMING TIDE by @JENM_CURRY 2018

Sitting by the phone
Waiting for a call
From family or a friend
But again, nothing at all.

Staring out the window
Maybe I’ll see a friend’s car
But truth is, they’re not that interested
When things start to fall apart.

See, it’s easier to deal with fun me
The one not rotting inside and out
Easier to go along pretending
Hiding things they’ll never know about.

Sitting in the dark
Hoping for a text
Nothing coming through, though
Except what medically happens next.
(And the doctor, he says more tests.)

Look, as far back as I can remember
Ages four, five, maybe six
Been told I was over-reacting
Hypochondriac, crazy chick!

Family calls me pill-popper
Accused of emptying bank accounts
Not even true. But so what?
That’s not what life is all about.

More and more by myself
Husband works, kid in school
Always dreamt of being something grand
What a misguided, loser, failure, fool.

People say count your blessings
Agreed, and I’ve done that quite a lot
But people continue to disappear
Who I thought were friends are not.

Looking forward to the day
Without weighing best methods of suicide
Days filled with my Savior and no pain
Somewhere on the other side.
(I’ll watch for you in the oncoming tide.)

*photo cred from deviantart by diogomoura*

 

 

Mental vs Physical and the Role Stigma Plays

Agree or Disagree? Thoughts?

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(Photo credit nami_westside_los_angeles)

I find this list fitting my experiences. I think a lot of the reason I have been treated differently regarding physical illness vs mental illness is due to stigma. Still.

End-Stigma

We are still struggling with the stigma. Being a hundred percent honest, I don’t know how we are going to end it, but I know I’m ready to work for it. πŸŽ—βž°

Irritated but Why

Watching carefully to see if steroid shot I received for my shoulder has thrown me into a hypomanic episode.

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I’m quite irritable and not sleeping as much. However, I feel I have a right, long overdue at that, to be flustered with the people and actions that are bothering me, the stuff I termed irritable. And of course, I’m also awaiting brain MRI results – no fun. Plus side,Β  when I do sleep, it’s quality sleep.

So, as I mentioned, I’m watching carefully.

Hope you’re all well. Take care of yourselves and one another. If you need to, reach out for help or to just chat with someone. πŸ’›βœŒπŸ™

Does BP Affect Your Opinion

Hey guys, so I have a question.

I know that based on Bipolar mood swings due to mania, hypomania and depression, we can feel very intensely in both directions. Poorly stated, I’m trying to say that we can be very down and depressed one day and have a very bleak look, and the next day have a very bright, happy, positive outlook. But I’m wondering, do any of you actually have what you feel like are two different people inside of you?

For me, the severity of the mood swings not only affects how I feel, but it can actually change my opinion. Core, important issues, such as abortion stance, death penalty opinion, welfare and food stamp refor….. Things of that nature.

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Do any of you guys cross the line from one day to the next, or from one month to the next, depending on mood swings, and your opinion actually changing because of how you’re affected by the Bipolar? If so, how do you know where you truly stand?

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On Suicide

Reasons I’m Glad I Did Not Commit Suicide.

– Love for my family.

– Specifically speaking of my son, because if there is suicide in your family, you’re more likely to take your own life. Add to that, he too has Bipolar Disorder, that would set up disaster for him.

– Simple things, though they may sound silly or trivial, but honestly – birds, flowers, rivers & oceans & swimming, pizza πŸ•, music, arts and crafts, and every once in awhile, writing something halfway decent.

– Happy to help just one person out there know they are not alone in having Bipolar, or any Mental Illness, or Chronic Illness, for that matter.

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Reason I’m Afraid I Will Eventually Commit Suicide.

– Because I have Bipolar Disorder 1 with Psychosis & I Am Tired.

Please feel free to post here with feelings, thoughts, experiences…..

Know that you are not alone. WE ARE NOT ALONE, and though there is still a long way to go, we are gaining ground and speaking out.

Let’s start yelling! πŸ—£

Keep fighting! πŸ‘Š

Take care of yourselves and each other & treat yourself gently. Rock on, people. βœŒπŸ’›

Two Sons

Two Sons ~ 9.10.18 ~ blog entry

I have two sons.

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One who loves me, treats me adoringly, helps me in any way he can, is creative, helps his friends, extends kindness to *misfits* at school, and is all around loveable.

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I have another son who has black eyes, misreads and misunderstands things you say, becomes loud, belligerent and cruel, and is not only emotionally abusive, but physically abusive as well.

Unfortunately, both of my sons live in ONE human body. He has Bipolar, and he faces these awful hardships brought with it.

Even sadder, he inherited this from me.

Between our two human bodies, reside four people. I’m glad that we are strong enough to know that when it all settles, we love each other very much and are trying our best.

But my gosh, what a heartbreaking challenge. Within two days, each of us have expressed wanting to be done with Bipolar, done with this world. (I didn’t say that in front of him, of course.)

However, imagine your child coming to you and saying that he feels so awful and hopeless, that mom better take his medication into her room for the night because he is considering swallowing all of them.

So, tomorrow we set out for more help. On this day in particular, World Suicide Prevention Day, I found it important to share our story.

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Love yourselves and each other. Take care of yourselves and each other. πŸŽ—πŸ™πŸ’›βœŒ

Slippery Slope

Slippery Slope ~ 9.8.2018

Have you ever had surgery? You’re knocked out and next thing you know, you’re awake… usually uncomfortably awake. This gap between counting back from 10 and not even making it to 7, to later awaken to nurses asking you how you feel, this gap has always fascinated me. (Well, since I was 21 and had my first back surgery, but I digress.)

It is interesting to me that it doesn’t feel like sleep, not for me anyway. There is no remembrance of a dream, certainly no feeling of rest. There is no seeing a bright light or feeling warmth. There’s just being there one minute and back the next, only in reality, hours have passed.

What am I talking about, you might wonder. Why? What’s the point?

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(Photo credit: The Tangled Escape, quirkybytes)

Well, it’s simple, actually. My mind is fried. I don’t want surgery, and I know that I can’t sleep for days in a row under that kind of anesthesia. I don’t want to leave this earth yet, mostly because of my family.

What I need is that anesthesia black out. For like two weeks, maybe three.

Escape.

Allow my body and mind (mostly) to just call a time-out.

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(Photo Credit: hwwcnow.org)

I’m so tired. I’m on a slippery slope here, wishing for something like that.

Peace and love. πŸ™βœŒβ€

Share in September

September is Suicide Prevention Month

In the coming days, I’m going to share my struggle with suicidal ideation and near-attempts.

Please, this month, and any month for that matter, share your story. It will help you, and it will help others.

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It is imperative we remember we are not alone. ✌

It Is Trying but I Keep Trying

I have nothing to say. I just thought I should share I’m alive, yet struggling because I invite others to share when they’re struggling, when they need help.

This chronic physical pain – fibro, arthritis, lumbar fusion – is wearing me down. I just feel like I can’t any more. I know I can and will, but it feels as though all is lost right now. Dangerous place to be.

Last night, I was hallucinating. I awoke with the back of my head sensitive and in pain, like to the touch, as if I hit my head. My face was tingling. So much pain.

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I’m so tired. So sad.

Take care of yourselves and each other, guys. πŸ™βœŒπŸ’™β­

Self Care Brainstorming

Self-Care Ideas.

What do you do to pamper yourself? How do you take care of you each day? What about those really stressful days?

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Or, are you negligent in this area? If so, why?

Join the conversation. You are not alone. πŸ’šπŸ‘©β€πŸ’»πŸ‘¨β€πŸ’»βž°πŸŽ—πŸ’š

The Struggle Is Blah Blah Blah

8.26.18

Still struggling… with moments of being okay. I’m aiming for contentment. Almost there. Just flying high and plunging way too low, way too quick, back to back. Tired… and the physical pain – forget about it.

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(Photo credit nerdist.com)

Feeling defeated at times. Still know I’ll be okay. Thank God I’ve not lost the plot 100% and that I know that deep inside somewhere.

How are you, friends? Take care of yourselves and each other. Let us know here if you need help. πŸ’›πŸ™βœŒ

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The Wall

I’ve not given up writing or on the blog. I’m just so tired from being in so much physical pain. It is absolutely essential I do the best I can to keep my mental and emotional health in check.

Sometimes, writing and sharing feel overwhelming. So, my only choice just now is to share that bit with you.

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(Image credit Dax Fit Life.)

How are you guys doing? What do you do when you hit this wall?

Take care of yourselves and each other. βœŒπŸ™πŸ’›

Hey Houston

Hey, Houston ~ 8.13.18

I’ve had a few steroid injections as of late, and as ever, troubles followed.

“Houston, We Have a Problem.”

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Not sleeping. Acting out of character. Not paying enough attention to finances.

At least so far it’s been a “giddy” euphoric mania, not dysphoric and rageful.

Only good thing is that I’ve been a lot more artistic, especially with writing. Those things tend to become dulled for those of us with this disease and the taking of mood stabilizers.

I can’t let it go on too much longer or become more intense. If that happens, I could easily be introduced to a behavioral hospital in San Antonio for the first time. I’d prefer not. Sigh.

At least, I recognize it. I’ve got family and friends helping me keep in check. It’s a trade-off. No steroid injections, the more intense the physical pain.

I could say the dilemma is unfair as hell, but I digress. Others are going through worse, and I knew this was a gamble. Still sucks, though.

Gamble-Responsibly

Take care of yourselves and others, guys. βœŒπŸ’›πŸ™

Dealt Myself a Good Hand

Dealt Myself a Good Hand ~ 8.10.18

Took the day for myself, save a couple of things to help out my mom and son. Mostly, I did what I wanted to do.

Know what it was? About four hours of playing Spades!

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I don’t even feel bad. Was fun. I needed to relax and hang out with just me, myself and I. Many of you know that with Bipolar, that last bit can be dangerous, but today was great.

Now, on to a new project.

Take care of yourselves and each other, guys. βœŒπŸ’›πŸ™

Not Today

NOT TODAY ~ 8.9.18

So, I have read that some people with Bipolar, Depression and other mental health issues are in practice of applying makeup, making sure hair looks nice, using lovely scents of perfume and fragrant lotions (I don’t know where guys fit into this) often times feel better throughout the day and get more done. I’ve been trying it.

Some days it works.

Not today.

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I’m in a lot of physical pain, and quite frankly, it pisses me off!

Second thing, Margot Kidder committed suicide. Another person with Bipolar has committed suicide. Damn It!

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I’ll keep trying and let you know long term. Take care of yourselves and others. πŸ’›πŸ™βœŒ

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When Enough is Enough

When Enough Is Enough ~ 8.6.18

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So, in helping my teenage son work through some issues with his friends, I’ve come to realize I need to do a little cleaning house myself.

My son is very kind to his friends and enjoys going out with them, and often times, he pays for their lunch, for example. However, later, we begin to notice that he’s the only one who has done this three weeks in a row. When he texts them, they don’t respond, and he knows they are online because he sees them clear as day on social media.

Therefore, his therapist and I are working with him to be sure he’s not taken advantage of and not used. We’re helping him recognize his true friends, and he’s feeling better because he’s not wondering why his “friends” use him, why his “friends” don’t chat with him unless “they” feel like chatting, etc type matters.

So, of course, one important key in parenting (at least for this household) is my son generally doesn’t follow our advice alone just because we verbalize it, but tends to follow it more when he sees that we are doing the same. When I give him advice about a friend who only talks with him on text when the friend wants to talk, and this friend doesn’t care if my kid is wanting to chat a bit one day, and my son says to me, “Well, you allow ______ to do the same thing to you,” that’s when I know it’s time to do some heavy lifting and dump said toxic “friend.” I’ll admit that it is extremely difficult to sever ties when you think you’re talking about potential lifelong relationships – fun, laughter, shared tears, lifting one another up when the other is down – but sometimes, enough is enough.

I’m working on my, “Goodbye, You Hurt Me But I Forgive You,” letters that my therapist recommended writing, which remain with me until I burn them and let the baggage go. Some are for people long gone. Some are for people still around physically, but not emotionally and spiritually.

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And it should be included, this kind of toxicity affects both mental and physical health, to be sure.

It’s heartbreaking, but I’ll survive. I’ve survived much worse, after all.

Hiding and Survival

HIDING ~ 7.31.18

By the age of eight years old, I had to figure out, quite abruptly and quickly I might add, how I was going to survive. Not physically; rather, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I can’t recall what I did at that young of an age, but something existed within me that said, “No, you will not be beaten by this situation.” The situation was a stepfather entering the picture.

By age the age of 12, I can say that I was very good at hiding.

I would get up on weekends and in summers and do my daily three hour cleaning and gardening, then pack a drink, sandwich, some snacks and a portable cd player, and took off to the creek and small lake not far from our home (house, actually…two different things) as well as the empty bottomed-out river beds full of limestone.

I would have lunch down there, listen to music, wade in the water, and quite often I would take a book to read that day.

I was down there by 9-10:00 a.m. and would have to return home for dinner and cleaning afterwards.

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Dinner was seasoned with nightmares – the kind that occur while you’re awake. I would get through all of that as soon as I was able and go to bed, pretending to sleep and blocking out screams with that blasted cd player. The bedroom door had no lock.

During the school year, I left for school early each day, offering the excuse I needed tutoring. I became involved in extra-curricular activities and sports so that I could go home later. As soon as I was legally allowed, I began working. And when all of that failed, when I was going to be stuck in the house alone with him (him is the stepfather) I hid in the bathroom acting as though I was sick, or taking a long time to get ready to go out somewhere, etc.

Ultimately, what I’m trying to say here is that in order to survive that time period of my life, I hid. I got to the point at which I excelled. At that point, it was a coping technique – a way in which I survived.

As an adult, is hiding the healthiest strategy? Probably not. However, you know what? It allowed me to survive. Currently, working on more healthy coping techniques.

Take care and treat each other with love, guys.πŸ™πŸ’›βœŒ

Share

Are you coming out of a period of Depression? Do you have any advice for acclimating to your surroundings and the people in your life? – The coming up for air, so to speak? What do you do then? –

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One thing I do, which may sound odd because during Depression people tend to “sleep” a lot. (It’s really just a sort of sleep. It’s not a healthy rest, and it’s often hiding away.) So ironically, when I’m significantly better, I sleep for about 12-15 hours, and sleep peacefully, absent the nightmares, and wake feeling so much better.
I also hydrate with water and juice.

You guys care to share anything?

7 27 18 blog entry

7.27.18 Blog Entry

One of the hardest things to do when I’m extremely depressed and experiencing anxiety attacks is…well…anything. So, today, when I wanted to hide under the cover (or drive to a hotel to sleep and cry) I managed to shower, put together a grocery list, made some quick, yummy pasta, and took care of a few bills. Also had a good talk with my son. This sounds like…well…not a lot, but when I’m this far down and pondering various methods of death, it is quite significant.

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Therefore, just like I tell my son (he too has Bipolar) I’m congratulating myself and calling it a win!

On Top to Crushed

On Top to Crushed ~ 7.25.18

It’s as simple as this. A month or two ago, I was on top of the world. Now, I feel crushed by it.

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My bones are becoming dust, and soon I’ll blow away with a heavy storm.

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In keeping true to what I set out to do with this blog, I occasionally add photos conveying mood. Here’s today…and the last couple of weeks.

Support Resources

Support Resources ~ 7.19.18

So, my last blog entry was titled, “Ugh.” That remains an accurate description of what’s going on with me. In fact, it kind of makes things sound better than what they are, but it will do for this entry.

I’m thinking I need to join a support group in addition to therapy. I need to interact with others and hear different perspectives, different experiences, and so on.

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I thought I would list a few websites and ideas for others to locate a support system, especially if he/she does not have a therapist.

nami.org/Find-Support

healthfinder.gov

betterhelp.com

ecounseling.com

Additionally, you can seek out support groups and connections through local churches, and you can call offices of local psychiatrists and therapists for their advice.

Let’s help one another. Support one another. Love one another.

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Any other sites or tips you can offer, please do comment. Please share this page and blog. We need to take care of each other. #helpeachother

Be good to yourselves. #selfcare

Ugh

I feel terrible, both emotionally and physically. I was supposed to receive some epidural pain injections today and could not make it to the facility and it is therefore postponed. And I’ve just hit my limit. I just feel done.

Anyway, this blog is supposed to show good, bad and ugly of bipolar, so here’s the ugly part.

Although it’s not just Bipolar – we’re throwing in physical pain as well. I’m just not digging life right now, folks.

Love & peace to you all. πŸ’›βœŒ

You Are Not Alone

YOU ARE NOT ALONE ~ 7.14.18

One thing about mental illnesses vs physical (& visible) illnesses is the response and support I receive from friends, fellow church members and even family members.

Broke my foot, my support system and community rallied to provide meals for at least two weeks, which was much appreciated.

Down and depressed though, rarely have I received offers of the same kind of help.

I have been thinking, why is that? I’ve come up with two reasons, as far as my own experience goes.

1. People are uncomfortable around someone struggling with depression and/or anxiety. It’s just the truth.

2. I have not done a good job reaching out and asking for help. So why on earth would friends and family feel anything else besides uncomfortable?

Having pondered that, I’ve decided in the future I will try my very best to ask for help, and during my okay times, I’ll continue to try to share things about Bipolar with others.

I would like for there to be encouragement and support for those with illness, as well as their family and friends, on this site.

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I want people to know they are not alone.

Comorbidity

Comorbidity ~ 7.10.18

Do you suffer from Bipolar and other chronic health issues? (Comorbidity) If so, what else plagues you and how do you manage it?

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Let’s begin a discussion with the ultimate goal of helping each other.

I have Bipolar Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and lots of other mental health acronyms & fibromyalgia, which causes widespread sensitivity and pain. There are other conditions and autoimmune disorders, as well.

How do I handle it? Right now, not so well, but I am getting help from my doctors.

I suppose that’s one way of caring for myself. I must be my own advocate and have my psychiatrist and pain management doctors confer with one another in order to decide the best courses of treatment.

How about you guys?