BLACK ~ 4.4.18
Here’s a thing. Great mood or not, Johnny Cash music speaks to the situation every time. 🎵🎶🎧🎵🎶🎧 The Man in Black. Every single time.
As for me.
It’s not peppy social media post type stuff. It’s the negative stuff most people fail to post.
SPOILER ALERT: LIFE (and its truths and this post) AREN’T ALWAYS PRETTY.
Miserable. That’s me. Okay? Miserable. So miserable and tired of fighting it. And for effin what? Even if I crawl my way back to the top, I’ll be back here soon. It is the reality I face with my day-to-day, week-to-week, month-to-month Bipolar. And I’m so extremely tired of the physical pain.
And I love you folks, I promise I do, but don’t tell me to pray it away with name it and claim it, and don’t tell me to drink a smoothie. Sometimes, it really is okay to say, “I have no idea what you face, or what to say, but I’m listening. I care. I’m here. It’s important to me you’re on this planet.”
I’ve not seen the first six movies. So, I’ll have to watch and check out the quality and accuracy. I’m curious. Hope they do a good job at depiction.
Quick question ~
For those of you with any autoimmune diseases, chronic pain issues, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, and any other mental health issues, sleep is so very important in managing and lessening the severity of symptoms of these kinds of things. So, the quick question – how many of you actually sleep well?
I thought I was the only one. Apparently, others with Bipolar go through this weird thing, including fear of sleep. Below are two blog entries from other posts. (Credit belongs to authors listed on blog.)
Just wanted to check in real quick. I’m alive.
I’m behind on reading other’s blogs. I thank you for your continued support. I feel I should tell you that I was extremely mixed-episode type ill for a couple of weeks around early January (I believe). Then, I was physically ill after my immune carrier-monkey son brought home the flu. Then, I had to start with a new PM doc, and new meds and changes. Finally, a moment to breathe, I think, and we get texts stating my aunt lost her battle with 20 + years of Parkinson’s. Everyone is sad, family devastated, but my happiness comes from knowing two things.
1. She’s no longer in pain.
2. She is with Our Savior, Christ Jesus.
So, in Terminator type style, I say to you, “I’ll be back.”
For me, rings 100% truth.
Especially everything & nothing and paralyzed.
Paralyzed while your brain won’t stop screaming at you! I imagine it’s a lot like solitary confinement or maybe even torture of some sort. Just darkness and a brain on fire, then slush, and no way out, even though you claw so hard you lose your nails and bloody your fingers.
“Of course,” sarcastically said by the Bipolar who is tired of mental illness being used as the scapegoat… 😣😣😣
Article about hearing hypersensitivity according to mood. I’ve found that to be true. When people are talking and the commercials are blaring on the tv. It’s as if sand paper is scratching at your brain and eardrums. As if, it goes on one more second, your head will in fact blow and where there once was only white walls, now lives white splattered with strawberry jam.
“Five major psychiatric diseases have overlapping patterns of genetic activity, new study shows”
“In struggling against anguish one never produces serenity; the struggle against anguish only produces new forms of anguish.” ~ Simone Weil
(Accurate description of anxiety felt with Bipolar Disorder, in my humble opinion and experience.)
I’m not good. Something’s not right. Won’t sleep for a couple of days, then go to sleep not remembering a lot of the time I was awake. Thank God I have my husband and mom to be sure I don’t do something off the grid ridiculous. I’m convinced that’s the only reason why I’ve not done some really crazy stuff in the past that I know I’m capable of when hypomanic and manic. And the added pressure of my son seeing me off my game and emotionally turned upside down weighs so heavily. Because, you see, now he’s feeling down. I tell you, we’ve been doing this long enough, he and I, mom and son, Bipolar and Bipolar, I know my emotional absence and far out, screwed up head the last few days (which I know has been at least hypomania) affects him. Then, I get scared for him. Anxiety builds. Snowball, snowball, snowball… & there’s an expression about a snowball’s chance in hell. I better pull it together soon.
Traveling for an emergency appointment to see my psychiatrist about six hours away. Lesson – don’t ever take for granted that my Bipolar is overall well-managed and I’m okay to see my doctor every three months. I made it for two years like that. Won’t happen again, even though I trust this doctor and he’s known me for six years. This is absurd. He is too far away! I could easily end up in the hospital.
This blog is supposed to log the good and bad, and all the in-between’s. This is probably the worst I’ve felt since I began this blog.