Sad. But trying.
That’s really all I’ve got. ✌ Thought I should check in, at least.
Sad. But trying.
That’s really all I’ve got. ✌ Thought I should check in, at least.
I am recommending an interesting documentary that I watched on Netflix.
“What Makes a Psychopath”
It is about psychopathy – how to’s in early detection, backgrounds and upbringings, various treatment methods, etc. Some subjects are young and in juvenile facilities; some older and in prison. Details of their crimes are discussed. I did not find it problematic, but I’ll throw out this could be a *trigger. If you are able to watch this doc, just shy of an hour, you’ll learn that you probably do know, or have known, a psychopath. You’ll learn about the 20 Trait Scale used in diagnosis. You’ll learn about upsetting and tragic childhoods. You’ll learn of one test using an MRI and photos, proving psychopaths have 7% less grey matter in the limbic structure than does a non-psychopath. You will hear of a test in its infancy about seratonin drugs coupled with shocks the subjects were willing to inflict on other subjects, as well as being introduced to a juvenile facility working with teens who are showing lack of empathy and how a rewards system aids in anti-ricidivism.
I learned a lot, and it’s important and worth the time.
I hope you enjoy, and if you watch it, please comment below.
*Disclaimer, I’m not saying those of us with Bipolar or any MI is a psychopath. I just found this terribly interesting. Anything to do with the mind and brain fascinates me.*
This is one of those posts. The is honesty. This is transparency. This is terribly sad. This is triggering. This is heartbreaking. This is episodic.
This is not my end.
This is an absolute for me when I’m so utterly low, depressed and anxious.
I’m furious with how much I hurt; how often I’m in pain and its intensity. I’m beginning to feel overwhelmed with having to continue in pain every single day, especially when considering how rapidly my body is breaking down, and knowing it will only get worse, according to doctors, but more reliably my experience.
I’m starting to hear that faint voice again. I hate her. She’s very much the sexy seductress. I’ve heard her before. I’ll hear her again. She’s whispering to me, trying to manipulate me.
And so, I give my husband all of my medications for him to hide and protect in case she becomes wholly and completely convincing. That way I go to sleep knowing that tomorrow I will not swallow all those pills. 💊💊💊 And that takes a lot of strength right now because I really want out. A lot of strength. 💪💪💪
Preventative measures and plans are important for those with any mental health issues during times they experience crippling despair. If you don’t have a plan, I recommend working with your providers, family and friends to put one together and to use while you still have your senses about you. For example, I give my husband my meds. I know to speak to my therapist straight away. We can make an appointment with my psychiatrist if need be. We even know which mental health facility I would be checked into if things became too far out of control. I’m held accountable to family and friends.
I urge you to consider putting together a Safety Plan in order to spare both you or your friends and family members a devastating loss.
Looking forward to this film in April. I’ve found it helpful, sometimes, looking forward to even the smaller things. Enjoy. 💥🖤❣✌
Just laying on this bed.
Thinking all sorts of things.
What I could have said.
Now it’s too late.
Like molded bread.
Just want to disappear.
Drag myself right outta here.
Hop in the car, slam the door.
Driving faster and faster,
Pedal to the floor.
Where am I going?
Exactly what is the plan?
Drive till I’m outta gas?
Change my identity in a flash?
Careful to throw every part of me in the trash.
By the time somebody figures out
That I’m gone without a doubt
Gone without a trace
Remembering tears streaming down my face
Too late for you with your clumsy embrace.
Gone, hoping to find a happy place.
By @jenm_curry – 2019
(Twitter & IG accts – @jenm_curry )
Easy to read and understand core differences between Bipolar 1 and Bipolar 2. Any other questions about Bipolar, let me know. I’ll try to answer. Plus, the #bipolaruninvitedblog family might have helpful feedback. ✌
*It was pointed out to me that psychosis is not listed. Perhaps because psychosis only occurs in some with Bipolar? I’m super lucky (insert sarcasm here) to be BP 1 with Psychosis. Many can be BP 1 and not experience psychosis.*
(A sort of Letter to the Editor, if you will.)
I’m so lonely. I’ve been in this quaint, picturesque, small town for almost three years now.
I do not have one friend.
It’s not as if in the area back where we lived most of our lives I had dozens of friends I went out with, but I certainly had more than where I am now.
With my physical limitations, being a caretaker to my mom, a parent to a Bipolar teen and wife of a hospice chaplain, I cannot make plans and confidently, consistently meet penciled in dates because I hurt so badly one way or another. Back home, if I had to cancel, the people around me knew me and the situations well enough and understood. We just rescheduled. I don’t have that luxury here. I am just so, so lonely. Like crying buckets of tears alone kind of lonely, and I’ve no clue how to better my situation.
Hope you guys are doing well. Thanks for being part of the #bipolaruninvitedblog family. Take care of yourselves and each other when and how you’re able. ✌❤🌹
Looking through old photos.
Dreadful, miserable, intolerable, draining, exhausting, depleting, frightening, life-sucking.
All of these words describe my Bipolar occurrences and my chronic illness/pain issues.
What else do these words describe? Reactions to me when I seek help. What’s worse, I experience this in my own home.
Yes, I’m sure I become a lot to listen to because there’s a lot going on; and honestly, I wouldn’t want to be me. However, I would like to think I would respond on some sort of meaningful level rather than receive a quick platitude and then watch the person I’m talking to go right back to looking at that phone.
I know I would behave differently than what I receive sometimes because I help my son with his issues of Bipolar and anxiety. Yes, he can be a lot. It can be hard, but it’s just what you do.
I don’t get why…..
I guess I don’t even know what else to say.
I will sign off and look at faded, slightly torn photos and wonder if eventually they will tear and sever in two.
Hey, #bipolaruninvited Family!
I’ve been really bad since switching to Cymbalta. I switched due to my neurologist’s request, and my psychiatrist was okay with trying. All had to do with my Fibromyalgia. It was a bust. Really bad. So, i called my psychiatrist and am switching back to Lexapro. ASAP! Score one for the good guys!🏆
I’m gonna check it out at some point. See if it encapsulates Bipolar Disorder.
It’s getting bad. Very anxious. Very sad. Feel very alone. Crying with spurts of fear.
This is That Day.
I hate these days. The day when I realize I’ve been apathetic and depressed for weeks and months. I don’t know exactly how I missed it. I look back and see that I’ve been sleeping a lot, hurting more than usual, not doing much in the way of arts or crafts, even just sitting and staring. I figured it out today because my cat was sad he wasn’t able to get my attention, and it occurred to me then that I’ve been telling him no a lot lately, that I didn’t want to play or have him in my lap.
Do y’all have something that flags you and waves 🚩🆘️ boldly in the air telling you that you’re heading down and fast?
Hey guys! I would like to recommend the documentary, “A Summer in the Cage.”
If you have Bipolar, I’m interested to hear your take. If you don’t have it, you can learn a lot about a friend or family member, maybe even a co-worker.
This documentary is interesting in that it began as something else entirely, and the director met the subject in the course of it. They became friends and agreed the documentary should be about Sam and his Bipolar Disorder instead. Mania and depression are documented. Aggression and hospitalization. Really interesting stuff and depicted well, with brave honesty and truth.
If you do watch, or if you’ve already seen it, please let me know what you think.
I related to Sam in many ways. Additionally, I feel I would’ve learned a great deal about the disorder if I didn’t already have it.
This was found on FB.
What are your thoughts?
I’m thinking we still have a long way to go regarding Mental Illness Stigma. Even my own husband laughed when reading it, and he’s seen me go to a mental health hospital three times. My point?
Is it that ingrained in our minds? Even minds that should know better?
If you have Bipolar Disorder, and if your current med/therapy/self-care plan is managing your symptoms for the most part, do you still see “shadow people?” If so, how often? Regularly? During extremely tired periods, or stressful times?
What do you do about it?
We have a winner!
YOU are worthy.
Not feeling it today, guys. Again, I ask you to please care for yourself; love yourself. Treat yourselves as kindly as you would treat your best of friends. 💛🧡❤
Maybe you would like to share that goal with me today and tomorrow? I’m trying. Today has been up and down for me, however. 🎢🙂🙃
Quick article about Ariel Winter citing her anti-depressant for weight gain, the switch she and her doctor made, as well as taking a stand against haters on her social media accounts.
The article goes on to mention statistics related with other kinds of psychiatric medication, such as mood stabilizers.
Personally, I gained a lot of weight on Risperdal years back.
What have been some of your experiences?
Hope you’re all well. Take care of yourselves and each other, and show kindness. ✌🙏💛
So, some of my psych meds ran out a week earlier than my scheduled follow up. (Still not sure how that happened.) On top of that, I’ve been significantly ill. Now, I’m experiencing days reminiscent of the past. The Bipolar-Unmedicated kinda life, and my freakin’ gosh. I had forgotten just how awful that is!
Bipolar can be a deceptive (sorry, not sorry) bitch and lie to you, telling you that you were great before meds.
Lying torment of a disease, it is.
Sometimes, I have these thoughts. Things one might see when watching The Twilight Zone.
I see two photos of me when I’m younger and it’s Christmastime.
And I ponder –
If I could send a letter back in time, a letter to my younger self revealing something very significant ahead – my father dying when I am 15 years old, and hey even better Little Girl, you won’t be there when he literally drops dead – nevertheless, a letter giving myself the chance to do things differently, say things I wish I would have said, would I do it?
Because the bonus round includes strapping a bomb on that naive girl’s back, the smiling brunette, weighing her down, cursed with knowledge, clock ticking. Tick tock. Tick tock.
God, I miss my Dad.
12.23.18 blog entry – Joy
How are you, guys?
I ask because the holidays can be a challenging time for anyone – wonderful things like family and preparing a Christmas feast, but some sad times too like missing someone long gone, celebrating in Heaven.
Besides missing folks, sometimes people don’t have anyone joining them for the holidays, sometimes shopping can spike anxiety levels because of the crowds and loud noise and the rush.
So, I just want to say Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays. I hope you’re doing okay. I hope you find and feel JOY and love. I hope you chuckle at something cute and silly.
Again I ask, how are you? Please reach out if you need help. Please don’t isolate. You are NOT alone. Not because of your circumstances and not because of your feelings.
God bless you. Take care of yourselves and each other. 🙏✌🎄
12.16.18 blog entry It Is Time
It tries to escape my eyes in the form of tears. It tries to escape my mouth as a scream. It tries to escape my body as blood. But I have yet to release this demon.
For years, I could not. I had no choice. Now, in this battered, bruised, broken shell, I need to sob. I need to wail. I need to help this cracked patchwork body heal. It is time to finally grieve for what was done to my son.
Yes, we are here now. He is doing well. Feeling well. He actively works to maintain a healthy mental and physical state; whereas, I suffer because for so long I had to be brave in front of him. He is a remarkable young man now and an excellent photographer. And I need to let fly – my fists pounding pillows and my throat screaming at the bottom pools.
It is time to process. To feel. And I’m scared to death.
12.16.18 blog entry My Sister’s Birthday
Today is my sister’s birthday.
However, she won’t speak with me these days. Long story with plenty of mistakes made by all, but bottom line, I hope she had a lovely day. She recently suffered a tremendous loss. Anyway, I pray she is well. 🙏💙
12.14.18 blog entry
Watching an HBO documentary called Out of Mind, Out of Sight. It is about mentally ill patients who have committed some sort of crime and are now in Forensic Psychiatric Hospitals. (These were once called Asylums for the Criminally Insane.) They interview patients and staff, get into stories of how these folks ended up where they are, and how some patients have even gone missing or been killed in these type settings. It’s a must watch because mental illness and the justice system are a community issue, not just that family’s down the Street problem.
And for myself, mentally ill as I am, it scares me that I could end up in such a place. Does that ever scare y’all?
12.12.18 blog entry
Three Things I Don’t Like About Bipolar
1. Losing my memory.
2. Wait… what was I saying? 😶
3. Sorry, what now?
12.6.18 blog entry.
Hello, everyone. Hope you are well. I’m feeling quiet these days. I’m not depressed…I don’t think so, anyway. I am certainly struggling with chronic pain and illness, but I’m getting through it. My son has really stepped up and is helping us quite a bit.
Looking forward to Christmas. We’re thinking Mexican food.
Does anyone else do something that’s not exactly traditional for Christmas Day Meal?
We usually open gifts Christmas Eve night, attend a church service, and then on Christmas Day have tacos, taquitos, chips & salsa (you get the idea) and then hit a movie or two. Anyone have a film recommendation?
Holidays can often times be very difficult for those of us with mental illness. How are you guys doing?
Take care of yourselves and each other. 🎅🙏❤💚🎄🌮🌯
11.28.18 blog entry ~ Oh What a Difference
Twenty-four hours ago I thought I would get nothing accomplished today and just prayed I would be able to get out of bed this morning. I was dealing with depression, anxiety and paranoia was trying to set up shop in my mind. Today, a totally different person. This version got things done, got above and beyond bonus type stuff done and feels well.
With Bipolar, I always know what goes up must come down and all that jazz. I know 24 hours can make all the difference, and oh, what a difference…problem being that it cuts both ways.
I get done what I can on the good days and take the win.
Take care of yourselves and each other. ✌💛🙏💙
(Photo credit: Google images Health Magazine)
(Photo credit from @antoniovincent on IG)
11.27.18 blog entry, To the Pillow, I Go
I’ve just discovered a most marvelous idea. Take my pillow to the restroom, turn on the fan and shower, and scream like a motherfucker into it!
Helps for a bit.
Photo credit Google images. Lilo and Stitch. Nani.
11.26.18 blog entry Common Denominator
I’m not sure why. I have spent hours upon hours in days among days trying to figure it out. My mom once told me not to bother wasting time like that because after all, is the person or persons I’m thinking about even giving me a second thought. Possibly, but even so, they definitely don’t waste time on me with a third thought. And I’m actually not blaming all these people I’ve lost in my life because there have been LOTS, and what is the common denominator? Or rather, whom? Answer is simple. Me. I equal common denominator.
I think I feel too intensely and describe too deeply and possibly even make others feel guilty about being overwhelmed with and by me. So, now they’re gone. Friends. Family. Even a first middle school aged boy that I liked – and who I believe liked me – even he and his wife won’t accept my friend request on Facebook. Really? And a friend of years has totally quit me. A friend since middle school and who was there for all the important wonderful new stuff, as well as the rough times, and vice versa.
I think it’s the Bipolar and the intensity that comes along with it. Even though I’d never wish it on my worst enemy, I have often thought that if people could spend a week inside my mind, my body, they could sorta understand. But I can’t do that, obviously, so people seem to continue slipping away instead. I even fear the folks I have left will soon be gone. I’ve deleted my meetup groups. I don’t have it in me to make new friends, only to lose them. Damn. I’m exhausted. Just so tired of it. Actually, I’m just plain sad. Sad and broken hearted. 💔
11.26.18 blog entry, Bipolar Mind
I found this in Google Images, and it said The Bipolar Mind.
Those of you with Bipolar, what do you think? Accurate image?
If you don’t have Bipolar Disorder, does this image help or prompt questions?
I survived. I thrive. If I stumble, I take two more steps. If I fall from a blow, I get back up. Every time. 💪🖤✌
Tile & Thoughts by @jenm_curry 2018
11.15.18 blog entry Halsey & Sebastian Yatra at 2018 Latin Grammys. Gorgeous music comforts my Bipolar soul.
Thank you, #NBC #ThisIsUs for handling mental health issues with honesty and sensitivity.
To name a few – Depression, Anxiety, Panic Attacks, PTSD and Medication Dilemmas .
October 25, 2018 Blog Entry ~
Just bawled for 20 mins.
Sobbed for family lost. Wept due to worries about friends. Cried because of unrelenting physical pain. Then, just let loose because of everything already mentioned and so much more. I wailed. You know what? I actually feel better. Going to listen to my @Halsey mix playlist and sleep…I hope.
Here’s to all of us who keep putting one foot in front of the other and try to do some good along the way. Share love.
#cryingisnotweak #cryingiscleansing #cathartic #endurance #strength #love #forgiveness #blessed #bipolaruninvitedblog @ Kerrville, Texas