Organ Donation

Please consider signing up to be an organ donor. My Dad did this, and I was so proud. This was roughly 25 years ago.

Sadly today, I have family who have lost someone, and when I last read an update, his organ and skin tissue donations had helped 81 people. Amazing!

What an Amazing Gift and Blessing. What an Amazing person.

God bless him and his family. I feel pretty confident from what I’ve read, he was a kind soul and servant.

Scurry Away, Black Dog, Fleas and All

Sometimes, well often if I’m being honest, I have trouble distinguishing between being tired due to autoimmune and chronic pain health issues VS being tired and not wanting to move or interact because I’m slipping into deep depression.

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What I have come up with so far is this. If I am just tired and sleepy and in need of catching up, I still find things to be interesting. I still want to feel better soon so that I can re-engage sooner. I still have creative ideas. I still care about how my friends and family are doing. I still care about my appearance.

When it is the darker and uglier thing, I am apathetic and I don’t care about things as much. I hardly even care about myself, if at all. I feel lonely and alone, which are, in fact, two different things. I feel ignored and tossed aside. I feel like none of my goals and dreams can come to fruition. I feel hopeless, and I know that The Black Dog has me cornered, snarling, looming larger and larger.

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It is then that those nagging, passive suicidal whispers move from the inaccessible and hidden depths of my mind to the front of it, full-on sc, with guns blazing.

Guns. Guns? Or maybe pills? Pills tonight? Or walking into a river with heavily weighed pockets, all in an effort for escape and relief.

I’ve been taught that there are passive suicidal thoughts, as well as active suicidal plans. I’ve learned this information and terminology from healthcare providers, books and friends who suffer from the same bully that is Bipolar.

I’ll say this – passive or active – suicidal ideation is an ever-present threat for me, a sort of co-morbid illness that tags along with my Bipolar, wherever he goes.

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I loathe them both and long for the day I’m free of them. Just gotta keep holding on and using all the coping strategies I’ve been taught.

That’s tiring, though. Oh, and look!

Now we’ve gone full circle, back to talking about being tired again.

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And does it really matter if I’m tired due to fibromyalgia or depression? For me, no. Because they both catapult me to the same place, and I’ve got to claw my way out every time.

Pass the Asthma Inhaler, Please

Let me start by saying that I am blessed, and then let me tell you the rest.

I have a nice home. I have a nice family. And yes there are struggles. Some minor, some a little more urgent at times than perhaps what some other families go through daily. But overall I am blessed. This is my temporary home, and I look forward to the day of being in my permanent home with my Lord and Savior, and my family and friends.

Having said that, if you asked me to tell you the worst thing about having Bipolar Disorder, I would say it is a LIAR.

It just flat lies. You can try to fancy up some sort of elegant sentence that eloquently and precisely states that synapses over-fire, mis-fire, under-fire; damage to nerves in the brain; chemical imbalance, blah & etc, all absolutely true, by the way.

But what that boils down to is that I am being lied to, and often.

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Tonight, I feel utterly and completely alone in this world, and I feel weak, vulnerable and raw. I could even possibly be a danger to myself, but if I edge my way further to that point, I will get help from my family or BP support friends.

Tonight, I could tell you that no one cares. That people respond only if I reach out to them first. That people don’t seem to have a hard time missing me, as I miss them. That a loved one doesn’t mind sitting in the same house, or even in the same room, and doing something completely and utterly different and having nothing to do with me for days, even weeks in a row. I could tell you no one in this house knows what I’m feeling.

That’s completely ridiculous of course, because my son also has Bipolar Disorder, so right there I can rationally see that this Bipolar venomous gas is creating the dense fog that lies to me. The thing is, it’s convincing, and it’s manipulative, and it is hard to work my way free of it; to breathe in clean air and replenish my burnt, withering lungs. This is one of those nights, and right now the only thing that is working is the asthma inhaler.

This is me. Real. Being lied to and feeling crummy.

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Treats in Yellow Bags

I’m irritated. Badly irritated. Why does this matter, and what is there to discuss about it in a blog? Why is this irritability I’m feeling classified as a symptom of Bipolar VS a “normal” person who feels irritated.

Well, sadly the answer is because my irritability, can quickly change to extreme agitation, and then to even more extreme destructive acts that lead to dangerous places.

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Why is this happening? Well, in June, my husband was told he was out of a job at the end of July. Just today, 8/2/17, did he receive an offer from a new job somewhere in the area. So, that’s settled, and really, thanks to God, but it’s been hard not worrying that the worst could happen, because believe me, it has happened. And it will happen again. Second, I have been physically ill. I had to take a Medrol Dospak, which made things all the more intolerable because steroids really mess up most of us with Bipolar. Like have a Manic Episode and buy a car you can’t afford because for a couple of hours it truly does sound like the most logical and necessary choice in the world. Or you might find *some* with Bipolar Manic Episodes having indiscriminate sex and/or extramarital affairs. Hypersexuality is part of mania…(again, for most). Then there was last night, my son, who also has Bipolar Disorder, pushed and hit me.  There were also a couple of hours of verbal/emotional abuse and threats.

Do you understand how a person who does NOT suffer with this disorder is irritated and could just slam the drinking glass onto the kitchen top VS Bipolar Irritability, turned agitation, turned stimulation, turned overstimulation, turned outrage ~ all in less than a minute ~ do you understand how the Bipolar’s Irritability can be dangerous? Can you see how it fits in the grand scheme of enhanced, amplified, exaggerated (and by the way, often times lying) emotions of Bipolar? If you can’t, it’s okay, I get it. Sometimes, I don’t even understand it, and I LIVE it. I also live with someone else who has Bipolar.

I chose to write about this because so many people think Bipolar is feeling up and happy for a few hours, then sad the next few hours.

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I get so tired of hearing that someone’s dog is Bipolar, because after all, one day he likes that treat in the yellow bag, and one day he does not. It insults those with Bipolar Disorder, and it insults the dog! (As far as the poor hound, give the poor thing a treat from whatever color bag he wants that day. They, like us, only live once!)

I’ve just gotta keep my head down and stay quiet until this passes. That is a discipline you must learn in Bipolar ~ when to retreat, when to hide, when to stay quiet, when to speak up, when to take a stand, and when to take a seat.

At least, that is My Bipolar.

Learn. Love. Peace.

Takes a Village, Tis True

Well, it has happened. Worse has come to worst. I’ve been sick for three weeks 🤧🤢🤒 and finally had to acquiesce, and have begun taking a Medrol Dose Pack. Now, steroids can mess up even the sanest among us, but for me it can cause some really adverse, not-so-fun reactions. So, we (family, friends and I – takes a village) are watching closely, and I am monitoring how I’m feeling both emotionally and physically. Just praying and using grounding techniques to make it through this part of my Bipolar experience, which is sometimes difficult.

Take care all, and thanks for continuing to read! xo

Fade

Here’s a thing about my Bipolar. Sometimes “difficult” times are beyond difficult, beyond dark. They are black. Though it’s not popular to say in most crowds, sometimes I would like to disappear in that blackness, that dark secret release, wash away in the current of a beautifully obscure river.

Just fade to black.

So instead, I’ve gotta cry. Find a different release for the time being.

Cries because of stress-induced migraines, sick with a virus for almost two weeks, not knowing where I’m going to be living, sleeping for a while and then nothing at all for days, chronic-physical pain that often makes me think I cannot go an inch further…not one step further…not one moment further.

The river. The black. The peace. The quiet, save the gentle sloshing of the water. All on hold.

I am not yet going home. I cry. I sob. I wail. I scream into the pillow. I beat that pillow when I see every single thing wrong splattered across that fluff.

Eventually, I feel better. I know it will come, even during the bad times, which is why I float, but do not allow myself to drown.

Bad Food, Bad!

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What do you think? Certain foods can affect Bipolar or other mental illnesses in a negative way?

My thoughts? Why not? Sugar, fried foods – I know those worsen my arthritis and fibromyalgia. The latter is all about nerves and wrong signals in the brain, after all.

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Check out the following articles. As always, would love to hear from you.

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-depression-cure/200907/dietary-sugar-and-mental-illness-surprising-link

 

http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2014/01/02/food-affects-mood.aspx

 

 

 

Time and Mazes

Earlier tonight, I was concerned why I hadn’t heard from friends or family in a couple of weeks. I screamed at myself, “What did you do! Stupid! Useless!”

I looked at the dates/times of text conversations, emails, Messenger, etc. I realized I have, in fact, recently communicated with these people, the very ones I felt I had upset. The very ones I legitimately thought had not been interested in talking. As I mentioned, I approximated two weeks of no communication, not two days, which was the most amount of time had elapsed since I heard from them. Two days felt like two weeks.

I feel time creep by, and that description doesn’t do it justice. No where near close. Time can slip away from me, and quite fast. Yet during every hour of this time, every minute even, feelings and emotions are so intense and amplified, I would swear to you there are a thousand years of mazes and deep waters to work my way through just to get on to the next minute, the next hour, all the while trying to make my way through the maze.

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What’s at the end? I don’t know. I haven’t made it yet.

Times Two – x 2

Hey. So yeah, since we last spoke ~

I was up for a couple of days in a row, had a really bad fall, had to take meds for the fall, found out we are relocating due to my husband’s employer, visited the city to which we are moving, became violently ill – like a flu amped up times 5 in a weekend, kinda ill. All of that in a span of five or six days.

Now, we’re back home…or…what?…this now temporary home…that I love…that I’m leaving soon.

Damn.

Anyway, I’m overwhelmed, but I do believe that in my personal experience, it proves what I have thought to be true, at least for me. Bipolar episodes of depression, mania, or a mixed state, lead to physical ailments. Those in turn lead to mental health difficulties…cycle, round and round…all that.

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/bipolar-laid-bare/2016/09/bipolar-disorder-is-linked-to-chronic-pain/

A blog on pyschcentral, by LaRae LaBouff agrees.

By the way, I suffer from Fibromyalgia, Arthritis and Migraines, all mentioned in the article.

I feel too sick to expand. Just some thoughts.

Peace. ✌🙏

Addition: Since I wrote this about an hour ago, something’s been bothering me. I’ve felt unsettled. I know why now. It’s this house. House, I will miss. House I like. Not home. Home is family and love. Happiness, peace and The Lord. So, when we move, I leave a house, and move my home.

88 mph, Flux Capacitors & Sleep (or lack thereof)

Yo! Bipolar Peeps, Insomniacs, or any other Human Being on the planet Earth who has had trouble sleeping… how long do you lie there in bed in hopes of ultimately sleeping? I know that at least our bodies are having a rest. However, truth be told on my part, the longer I lie there, so I can “at least rest,” my mind becomes more and more activated. The random, racing thoughts, or even worse, the darker, obsessive thoughts, are kicked into hyperactive mode. Picture “Back to the Future” and the Flux Capacitor, hitting 88 mph, and BOOM!

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Anywho, I find it quite difficult, this juggling act. Trying to balance the scales and achieving enough “rest” even if I don’t sleep. Worse still, when the doc tells me no naps, even when I haven’t slept in 20 hours… pfffft! If I’m lucky enough to feel sleepy, (sleepy and tired are two different animals…or dwarves was it, 🤔 I can’t recall) I’m taking the nap.

Anyway, how long do you give it before you just get up and get on with things?

The “Dependence” Part

On this Independence Day, I am thankful for our freedoms and liberties that we must earn and share. I am thankful for those who have served in some way, as well as those who will. There are many ways to serve.

I’m also focusing on Dependence. I’m Depending on God to guide me along and help pull me through some struggles. I’m Depending on family and friends.

I’m recognizing independence can be found in being Dependent.

14 Reasons in the Wrong Direction

I don’t even know what to type. Struggling tonight. I went outside to water the flowers I’m growing, and it hit me I might have to leave this home, and soon. I’m just sad. Not necessarily anxious, just sad. I know that when I began this blog, I said I would try to chronicle the ups and downs, depression and mania, as well as anxiety and occasional paranoia. So, I’m here. I’m chronicling. I’m talking. I just have nothing to say. I’m sad. I’m feeling the whole…”it’s not fair” gig. I’m trying my best to follow the 14 coping techniques I mentioned in the last entry, but honestly, right now I could write a whopping 114 reasons why I should give up. 114 reasons why life’s not fair. Look, I know these are feelings, not facts. I know I’ll get better. I know there are silver linings and that God has a plan. But speaking in truth, I’m just plain old sad right now. And even more honest… I’m somewhat angry.

Just keep swimming. What can I say? Dory is a smart fish.

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14 Reasons Why I’m Not Freaking

So…yucky news. My husband is being laid-off, end of July. So, the search is on for positions here where we now live, and the company (nationwide) is searching out relocation options. So far there have been two pop up on the radar.

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I do love it here. The spacious house. The birds. The deer. The large yard. The river. The slower-paced community. However, we will have to make difficult decisions soon. Stay here and gamble, hoping he finds a new job ASAP, or accept one of the relocation offers. We just moved here last year.It would be the second move in a year’s time. Additionally, what about my mother who lives with us now. She can hardly walk after the surgeries and is about as good as she’s going to get physically speaking. A senior community or assisted living might be in her future. Her near future. Additionally, it would most likely be best that I put my two upcoming operations on hold for now.

So, how the heck am I staying calm even though I’m a very emotional and anxious creature?

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  1. Prayer and trust in Jesus – we have been here before and He took care of us.
  2. Listening to soothing music and white-noise type sounds.
  3. Going to make an appointment with my therapist.
  4. Finding silver linings, such as my son having more kids to hang out with (this is mostly a retirement community and that’s been rough on him).
  5. Not allowing myself to sleep during the days and give in to what could easily become depression.
  6. Distraction (mostly artsy type stuffs).
  7. Mindfulness, which includes prayer.
  8. Movement…just continuing to move by doing things like stretching exercises.
  9. Planning – looking at the relocation cities and what they “have to offer” such as neighborhoods, rent, cost of living…getting some answers instead of wondering about everything, which would spike that anxiety. I like having a Plan B.
  10. I have good friends who listen and sometimes offer advice.
  11. Perspective. None of us is dead, you know?
  12. Breathing exercises.
  13. Not borrowing trouble. I will have to face it when it is time anyway. No need to waste energy now.
  14. I do have PRN medication for anxiety if needed, but not so far.

I am sure I have forgotten some things, or will “employ” more as I go, but that is what is helping now. I feel pretty stable. I’m hanging in there.

 

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I have rather a good feeling about it just now. We shall see what is in store.

Misleading

I found this quote interesting for a couple of different reasons.

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I was going to ask what you think – do we with Bipolar have a hard time with boundaries? How so? Can’t respect others, or cannot establish and maintain our own? Or both?

(By the way, I think both.)

Then, I looked at the bottom of the image and who stated the quote.

Claire Danes. As in, Homeland on Showtime, Claire Danes.

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Danes is quoted in interviews as saying her character, Carrie Mathison, is Bipolar and brilliant at her job because of it. What sounds bad, you say?

Well, Carrie often quits her medication cold-turkey so that she can solve whatever national or global danger is lurking just around the corner.

Stopping meds like those with Bipolar take is unsafe…as in manic, psychotic, hallucinatory episodes emerge, sometimes severe withdrawals and seizures, sometimes even death. Even more misleading, once the character saves the day, sometimes she goes to a mental health hospital, but other times, and this is the fallacy, she just starts taking those meds again and in a few days is back to her leveled-out, stable self.

Wrong. Doesn’t work like that. False. Untrue. Fabrication. Misleading. Dangerous. Irresponsible.

Other Articles and Viewpoints

http://www.gq.com/story/calling-out-homelands-bipolar-bs

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/shrink-speak/201411/homeland-true-portrayal-mental-illness

 

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/dec/01/homeland-carrie-mathison-bipolar-disorder-claire-danes

 

 

Mini-Vaca, Wayyyy Important

Yo! I’ve been gone several days on a mini-vacation visiting friends and family. It has been simply wonderful. I enjoyed seeing friends and families. I *needed* to see these people. A friend of 25 years, give or take, and I’ve not seen her since her four-year-old was a baby. As she said on her FB post, we picked up right where we left off, and I knew we would.

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Anyway, all in all, saw two very good friends, and had a nice get-together with my husband’s side of the family. In the past, there have been some misunderstandings there, but we seem to be moving in a forward, positive direction. I like the boundaries in place.

So, in this past week – a haircut, a movie about sharks (47 Meters Down – who voluntarily goes into a cage in deep waters to see sharks??!!) lunch with bestie, watched Food Network and laughed, and received cookbook in mail.

Bottom line. Recharged. Encouraged. Motivated.

All because I just plain had fun and decompressed. I even had some time alone, just me. How awesome and rare is that these days?

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How this relates to a Bipolar blog? Emotional well-being relates to everything, but in dealing with a disorder that messes with moods, this is vital, and I had forgotten that.

Ah, and the Morning Glories have shot up! Groovy.

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The Path Home, In Spite of the Pain

I will fight, and then I will go Home.

I know now more than ever that Bipolar Disorder is a disease. Having caught a glimpse today of what I used to be, I know Bipolar has indeed waged war upon me, and I have taken a lot of bloody blows. If it were an actual boxing match, it would have been different in two ways.

1. The towel would’ve been thrown in years ago, for my protection and safety.

2. There would have been a definitive moment when the fight was to end. 

As it stands, I am not throwing in the towel, and I know I will fight this battle until the day I die.

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I find a certain comfort in that, however. At least I know what I’m up against, and at least I know when it will end.

(Even if it’s not an ideal plan, I like having me a plan, folks!)

I’m just reminded of things Paul experienced and shared. Thorn in his side. Endurance. Running towards that finish line, and spending eternity in such an unfathomable beautiful miracle of a home with Jesus.

I’m going to beat this thing and win, despite daily struggles. I will not allow anything here (a temporary home) to keep me from joining my God, my Christian family, and loved ones in Heaven.

I know this world can be uncomfortable, unpleasant, with longings for something more. Do you know when I’m down and out with mental health issues or chronic pain, I say to myself (and most always out loud) “I want to go home.”

I will do my part as God directs me here, and then have an eternity without pain, only incomprehensible love, warmth, peace and joy.

I will fight, and then I will go Home. Thank You and Praise You, Jesus.

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Drugs and Bipolar, Carrie Fisher

“It only takes one bad day in a lifetime of trying to make it through each day, one at a time.”Jen Curry

Carrie Fisher’s daughter, Billie Lourd, quoted below as saying this about her mother, who struggled with alcohol and drugs since age 13, and was later diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.

“My mom battled drug addiction and mental illness her entire life,” Lourd said in a statement to People magazine. “She ultimately died of it.  She was purposefully open in all of her work about the social stigmas surrounding these diseases.

How many times will we hear this exact scenario (minus being in Star Wars, donning fabulous bikinis)?

I am so angry about these illnesses, and still heartbroken.

This could be me.

This could be my son.

After all, if it takes Princess Leia down, seems it can strangle anyone…only takes one bad day in a lifetime of trying to make it through each day, one at a time.

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Vulnerability to Certain Drama?

As a person dealing with Bipolar, Anxiety, Depression…anything along those mental health lines…do you find you must be careful what you watch?

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I do. (I do this with music sometimes, too.) Anyway, I recently learned this when watching Showtime’s Homeland, and The Handmaid’s Tale – the Hulu original series adaptation.

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I couldn’t help it. Both shows just sucked me in and wouldn’t let go. (A heck of a lot of other people too, I might add.)

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I think I’m drawn to characters who are trapped, or at least very much restricted, in what they can do in their personal lives – following their own moral compass, their own decision making rights, and loving those they choose.

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I can obsess about these types of things for hours, sometimes days. So, I’m careful, but sometimes these shows, with the feelings they bring to the forefront, well, they kick my ass.

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Father’s Day…No Snazzy Title

So today… Yeah, today was Father’s Day. Emotional.

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I don’t necessarily think that the heightened, amplified emotions that come with Bipolar make this day any better, or any worse. Whatever your relationship with your father is indeed your unique relationship, or lack thereof.

So with a confused mind and fickle heart, I wish my father, passed away some 25 years or so, a remembrance on this Father’s Day.

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Dad, stepmom, sisters

 

 

 

Forgive, Live and Love

I’ve been thinking and praying.

To start with, I feel like I am a funny, intelligent, loyal, decent human being. I feel like I’m a good mom and wife, though I know that like most of us, I could improve. I’m a good friend. I think I’m a good daughter, even though that’s been a long, rocky relationship.

That word I just used, though. “Rocky.” I was thinking tonight and wondering why I have a few of those rocky relationships that don’t seem to get resolved over time. Problems begin that are not necessarily huge, outlandish arguments that completely sever ties, but are powerful enough to cause a lot of mixed emotions that just compound over time. We go along weary of saying something wrong to each other and causing hurt feelings, but then because we’re not talking, our feelings are hurt in that way.

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I think what I’ve figured out is this. I don’t kindly, yet firmly, insist that when the initial problem arises, that is fully and completely settled then and there. Now of course, not 100% of a misunderstandings will be settled and put to bed at the immediate onset. Time is needed to think and settle, and both parties have to be willing to sit down and speak to one another from the heart. Instead of years worth of misunderstandings, avoiding the other, blaming the other, and/or blaming myself, it is my hope in the future to settle things early on, instead of trying to just get out of dodge when it first comes up, with mixed emotions flying all around me, and nothing truly being put to bed with peace and forgiveness found.

In the beginning, when I try to duck and hide, I say some stuff I want to say, though probably not in the best manner, and honestly afterward, I more often than not run away. There is no closure.

Now, I am a big believer in how receptive the person on the other end of the line is, depending on what I choose to say and how I choose to say it. However, if things aren’t settled sooner rather than later, bad memories/thoughts come to the surface any old time they want to, and I experience the same sadness I did when it all first took place.

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I need to put my heart on the line in the beginning, ask how I can better our relationship, and share what I need as well. I need to discuss and sort, with respect to what each person can handle at that time, and feel forgiven and that I’ve forgiven them, and that we’re still loving family and friends and are moving forward.

Happily.

Peacefully.

Lovingly.

Because I don’t know about anyone else, but I feel uneasy and sad. I want things to be better. I want to do better, and I want others to treat me in the same way. However, over time, if I try to chip away at it with gestures that are not reciprocated or misread, it causes even more pain, and honestly, things get all jumbled up like a ball of yarn you’re trying to roll back into place after the cat destroyed it. Sometimes you give up on that yarn and trash it.

I need to settle up at the beginning, so to speak, and put it to an end. I need to respect my boundaries and those of others, but I cannot go on dragging things out over long periods of time, all the while feeling angry, unloved, undervalued, insignificant, and somehow making the other party feel hurt, followed by a brief time of peace, and then boom!!! we are back where we started.

I need to say and do what I need to say and do in the beginning, because after all, I believe that most people want to get along with others and love them. I believe most people have good hearts and that they do the best they can with what they know at the time. I believe people can misread each other, that folks have bad days, and that as I misunderstand them, they misunderstand me. When I mentioned above that at times I feel anger…come on folks, really and truly, what is anger at its core?

Pain.

Hurt.

 

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I believe if all involved would try to remember these things and just speak from their heart with honesty and without pointing out blame on the other side (the other person) that there could be such peace and love instead of confusion and heartbreak. Most importantly, even if the other person doesn’t do, think, and feel as I just mentioned, as long as I act and love in that way, at least I can know I tried. Maybe later down imaginary roads, forgiveness and peace can be found. Time runs out so fast, though. So fast.

Tomorrow is Father’s Day, and I lost my dad about 25 years ago. So yeah I know, my sisters know, my stepmom knows, that time runs out so fast. And when that time runs out, I don’t want anything left unsaid, and I don’t want someone wondering if I loved them, or not. I do. I really do care for the people in my life. I just hurt, and that blasted pain gets in the way. Happens to most of us, I assume.

I hope to forgive and be forgiven. In the end, it is truly that simple. Maybe I’ll get my courage up to make a phone call or two tomorrow.

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Take the Win!!

An actual productive day. (Not even manic. 😲😲😲) Straightened things, went through bills, cleaning, put out a few decorations, watered the lawn and planted morning glory seeds. Also gave a quick shower to the rosemary and sage. Freshly watered grass and birdseed makes for lots of pretty birds in the yard. Had a nice dinner out, just off the river. My mom loved that. I had some good catfish. Just a productive, pleasant day. Delightful time with my son, too.

Later, I did learn about some things in my past (some blocked, others forgotten) and they shook me to the core. I’ll go into this later if I feel it’s appropriate, as it’s not just about me. I will say, it is absolutely true you never know what another person goes through. Never. Additionally, I still say that people do the best they can with what they have available and know at the time. I believe most people fall into that category. I hope so.

I pray so.

I believe I will ask for a session with my therapist just to sort some of it.

All in all, good day, and I’ll take the win!

I’m a Mutant, X-Men Style

Maybe I’ve gotten into X-Men comics and especially the movies too much lately.

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But I’m fairly certain I’m a Mutant. Pretty cool considering, Jean is gorgeous. Storm is kick-butt! And Mystique, her name says it all.

 

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Anyway, it’s quite clear to me that I am a mutant. A really, really screwed up one. I mean, my brain constantly misfiring and perceiving – fibromyalgia, Bipolar, blah, blah, and other acronyms. But heck! I can’t even fire lava-like flames out of my eyeballs and scorch people like doctors who cannot help, and people who say stupid things about what they *think* is going on with me.

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I mean, at least Scott/Cyclops has groovy shades. Lol!

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Circles at 3am

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Something I’ve been thinking long and hard about took shape tonight into something both profound yet simple. I could finally see it somewhere other than in the jumbled up mess that is my head. It’s a circle, dude. A Circle.

Yes, you heard me correctly. A good old geometric circle, like “comes around full circle” 360° sort of a circle.

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Simple and easy are not always walking along hand in hand, though, are they?

What we do to people, and what they do to us. Simple, right? Simply heartbreaking.

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So, I’m gonna aim for my circle description in steps.

Step 1. Someone harms you, like deep in your soul agony. Like parts you didn’t know you had were set ablaze, and then you begin wishing you didn’t still know you had those parts. ♨

Step 2. You hate the person, or snub them, or gossip about them, or take revenge, or cry a ton because they hurt you… I mean, they burned you, right? Now, it builds, festers, and allowing oxygen to reach those embers… till BAM! Fire!!! 🔥🔥🔥

(ADVICE: Step two is not a fun step. Totally not cool. I highly recommend opting out of step two before you get burned!)

Step 3. You realize you’ve hurt people. 😧Damn, really?

“But I didn’t mean to… they took it wrong… I was having a rough day and just sounded rude…well they did this and that to me…” Gosh, listen to myself spew excuses. 😝😳

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Step 4. Think for a sec. 🤔 Are you always a crummy ass sort of person? Or do you just do crummy things sometimes? Most of the time, it is the latter, and most of the time without planning or malevolence. Do you set out to deeply hurt and wound someone? Of course not. So, now you see where I’m going, don’t you? Most of the jerks in step two that hurt you DID NOT INTEND TO DO SO. And for others, *you are* the crummy turd in step two!

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Step 5. Blast it! 😡😠 Now, I can’t hate them. Now, I have to acknowledge that I see a bit of them in myself, and worse, myself in them. We all make mistakes, and then strive to – learn to hush and listen (not just hear), take ownership, practice asking forgiveness and extending forgiveness (even if not requested, acknowledged, or accepted), strive for patience and live, pray to see and feel their hearts…

This blogger here thinks the biggest (and hardest) step is to learn to love the offenders, faults and all, and extend that same forgiving love to ourselves.

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Step 6. Love yourself. Forgive yourself. Love this person with whom there is pain. Learn to forgive them.

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Round and round, cyclical.

Loving & Making Circles.

Photo Telling the Truth

So, follow up to previous entry, “Can’t Move.”

I didn’t include a photo because who wants to post a crap photo.

However, it’s important because face and body always tell the truth. And it’s nice to know we are not alone.

So here.

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Can’t Move

I’m sick. Maybe really quite ill. Waiting on more procedures and test results.

All I want to do is sleep, but haven’t been able to do so. Still, I’m awake yet paralyzed.

This is not a fun or interesting entry. This is just the truth about how my Bipolar and being highly emotional affects me. I set out to tell all truths and experiences with this blog.

So.

I can’t move.

Eggshells Be Gone!!!

My previous blog entry talked about how people with Bipolar, as well as others with mental health issues, are still misunderstood and are still receiving tips and advice that don’t help.

In discussing this with a fellow MI (mental illness) sufferer, I mentioned that I believe many people mean no harm. In fact, I believe they want quite the opposite, to help, but don’t know what to do or say. I wonder, especially the closer they are to us, do they feel like they’re walking on eggshells around us? Broken glass? If so, that deeply saddens me.

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So, if it’s okay, I would like to ask folks on both sides a few questions:

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1. Are you curious about Bipolar or other MI’s?

2. Would you like to ask questions about the illnesses, or perhaps inquire about a friend, but instead are too hesitant?

3. Would you like to know how to offer kindness and encouragement, while being sure your needs are also met? You are a unique person with needs and vulnerabilities as well.

4. Do you avoid someone you know with a Mental Illness because it’s just easier? And why is it too hard sometimes?

This is not a challenge, nor a confrontation. I think exchanging ideas and sharing feelings can help us all.

I just want people who care for and love people in their lives, with one or both of them having Bipolar (or any mental illness), to feel empowered to give and share motivation, care, love, friendship, and so much more.

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I think we have chances to love each day, and a responsibility to act on it. 💖💛💖💛

 

Seven

On Netflix, currently watching “The Woman with 7 Personalities.” Extremely interesting.

Oppression and heinous acts causing split personalities in order to survive? Or, therapist and patient, with all best intentions and genuine belief, creating false memories?

Interesting.

Make Sure You’re Not Spewing Crap…

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Advice.

Please, refrain from saying the following to those in your life fighting mental illness:

1. Get a Grip.

2. Cheer Up. (Wouldn’t I have already done if I could have?)

3. You Don’t Look Depressed. (Whatever…)

4. You Will Get Better When You Set Your Mind to It (Yeah, it’s that easy, but I elect to discard that and suffer.)

5. You’re Just Seeking Attention (Okay, you caught me. It’s why I have sooo many people in my life.)

6. Smile More. 😁😁😁

7. If You Pray Enough, God Will Take Away Your Anxiety. (That’s not exactly how it works.)

8. Why Do You Always Feel Sorry for Yourself? (No idea. You win.)

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9. If You Want to Get Better, You Will. (For realzzz!? Maybe I can find a golden ticket!)

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Spray

Relaxing night of Scrabble, reading, BBQ & Potato Salad, snuggles with the cat, and now off to bed. These kinds of evenings are good for those plagued by bugs – you know, the stuff that bugs you and nags away. Self-doubt – am I good enough? Can I do this? Do I really help anyone, or deserve to be here? THOSE. Those bugs.

Not a cure-all, forever-gone type of deal; rather a coping technique that helps make it through an evening.

Just spray bug repellant all over yourself and send those bad boys on their way, by doing something that brings you smiles and delight.

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