4.18.19 blog entry ~ Back Home
So, I’m feeling some better. I have a bit more energy, and I feel…well, I almost feel…like things are more manageable. That is definitely not something I believed a day or two ago. I guess going to the hospital with symptoms mirroring heart issues and being admitted to the hospital, coupled with the likes of nitro and potassium, would rock me to my core. My own dad died of his third heart attack at the age of 44, after all. I’m 42. And his dad died of the same issue at age 47. So, I went, I saw, and was stuck with tons of needles, underwent many tests, and lived to tell the tale. My heart is healthy. I’m stunned. Based on family history and medications alone, never mind our poor diet since I’m not able to cook all the time. But hey, a win is a win!
I’m home now, but I am still experiencing the same pain. That part makes me angry.
I’m tired of physical and mental ailments. “Sick and Tired” – perfect description. Just gotta keep putting one foot in front of the other, I suppose.
A friend told me I’m an inspiration to her because, “You keep going, love.” Eh. To which I replied that I just continue breathing because of these sorts of invisible life support machines that won’t let me go. A large part of me still believes that, but I’m starting to come back round and count my blessings. Tonight, I even enjoyed watching and smelling rain and freshly cut grass. That was a nice Reset Button, if you will. I’ve been listening to my favorite playlists via Amazon Music – performers such as Halsey, Bruce Springsteen and Billie Eilish, and watching whatculture on youtube. I just love that channel with its discussion of films, comic books and gaming. And heck, I’m writing this, and I’ve chosen a new book to read. Those are good indicators of my better moods. Anything like that, as well as creating craft décor and reading/writing poetry are significant and usually mean good things, even if my poetry reads as “dark.”
Anyway, I’m managing. How are you guys? Anything new? Anything you need or want to share?
Take care of yourself, and when you can, each other.
(photo credit: guysandgoodhealth)
Okay, so I don’t sleep well at night. Started in early teen years – tried everything – routines and meds, believe me. Even if I do manage to fall asleep at a normal time, I wake. Almost every single night, I look at the clock at 3:33 a.m.
(image credit: infinityexplorers)
I decided to look up the time 3:33 after seeing it again a few minutes ago. I Googled a question asking if there’s any significance to always seeing triple threes in the early hours.
Here’s what I found in the first hit.
I guess this is just a random post, not much about Bipolar, except for insomnia and jacked up sleeping patterns. ✌☮
3.26.19 blog entry
Ugh. This won’t be a happy entry. Not a long one, either. Just feeling like such a loser and battling the whole, “why bother.” Feel like such an absolute, utter waste of space. Just really don’t think I can do anything more than breathe. I don’t feel like I can help my family or myself. I feel so alone. I fake it throughout the days just to cry at night. Anyway…..