apathy

Nothing

11.11.18 blog entry ~ Nothing

I got nothin’. Nothing really to say.

Preparing for my mom’s birthday, Thanksgiving and the holiday season. In quite a bit of physical pain. Have to go see a neurologist. Another specialist. I’m tired of them. I suppose, well I KNOW, I should be thankful that I have health insurance. So many don’t. Long ago, I heard someone say, “There will always be someone longing to experience your worst day.” I know that’s true. And hey, my son is doing well. My family is well. Hell, the cat is well. My friends are experiencing some struggles.

I think a lot of people experience medical and mental illnesses with more grace than I do. Many, many more. Way more grace. All I want to do sometimes is isolate, and that’s not because I don’t want to be around people; rather, I just want to feel free to feel like hell. I do not feel like I should do that in front of my family.

Anyway, I’m not bad off, but I’m not great. Living in the in between, as I just heard in a show last night called Picnic at Hanging Rock. Novel and movie before this Amazon series, yes. Australian folklore.

Anyway, one character mentioned to another that they need to live in the world of in between. Sounds exhausting to me, quite frankly.

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Anyway, I’m going to see the pain management specialist tomorrow. That will help a bit. We plan to see the latest version of The Grinch this week. The one with Benedict Cumberbatch. Do a little Christmas shopping, maybe.

Guess I had a little more than nothing, as it turned out.

Take care of yourselves and each other, guys. Love & Peace always. 💙✌🙏

Losing Time

I am realizing how much time I’ve lost lately. Do those of you with Mental Illness have trouble with this?

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I cannot remember the time period or the goings-on, which can be hours or days. I seem to communicate very little during what I call my “lost time,” and I have no memory of most things during said time.

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I cannot figure out if I’m really losing time, or extremely depressed and apathetic, or lack of sleep affects me…..

Probably (maybe) the answer is:

D) all of the above?

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A Simple Truth…Even if It’s a Bummer

“I don’t hate myself. I just don’t want myself.” ~Jen Curry (that’s me)

Sometimes people cannot understand apathy. I experience it in deep Bipolar Depression bouts, and sometimes with anxiety. I have no better way to describe the total lack of interest in life and self.

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However, that quote I threw out there is the best way I’ve ever come up with in use of describing it.

It’s Mental Health Awareness Month.

IMG_20170501_205510_367So, I talked about a piece.

Ever forward.

Not in a Box, Not with a Fox…I Do Not Like this BP, Sam… I Do Not Like It, Sam I Am…

Simple enough blog entry. Cannot pull it together today. Not with extra sleep, trying a movie and a book that interests me, stretching and light exercises, or planning Good things for tomorrow. Nothing has helped. I feel apathetic and tired, though not sleepy. I am dealing with flushing doctor-prescribed steroids out of my system on top of it all. Doesn’t mix well with my Bipolar. Have heard the same from many.

So, what I wanna know… Do you allow yourself to call it quits? Recognize that it’s just not gonna happen today? Like, I’m going to crash in my favorite chair with my #1 blanket, eat the bare minimum, drink a Dr. Pepper, and call it DOA. A crap day from moment one. I tried, but I allow myself to give now. Then let out a huge sigh of relief…

Is that dangerous territory? Do you think that’s acceptable? Do you think you can safely do so without causing possible troubles for tomorrow? How do you know if you’re headed to point-of-no-return-depression-land?

Thanks & good luck peeps. ✌✌✌