Only Took One Scene

8.26.19 blog entry

Hey, guys. How are you? Please comment below. I sincerely wonder and care about you, and I would love to cultivate some friendships, and I always want this to be a place where people can reach out for help. ✌🤝💛

If you know me in real life or have been a long time online friend, you know I think a lot about nature vs nurture. I’m not obsessed with it, but I’m close. I think if we could figure out a few key things such as emotional/sexual trauma, physical trauma, and if we could map brains to locate the gene (misfiring of synapses…whatever brains do) to find that kink that predisposes us so that we’ve ticked off all the boxes and ding! ding! ding! we develop Bipolar Disorder (or whatever MI plagues you), maybe we could kick Bipolar’s ass. If we could find the correct connection. Crack the flippin’ code.

All of that being said in order for you to understand I think about it a lot. My writing isn’t all that technical tonight because I was forced to take a pain pill. My knee pain… I couldn’t stand it anymore. So, hopefully you follow this BS I’m putting out there. If you don’t, please don’t give up on me. Read some entries before and after.

So, what got me thinking about this for the 500th time is something I saw in a movie. It involved a young girl, maybe 10 years old, and her dad. He was telling her a nighttime story, totally making it up. They laughed and also had a bit of a serious talk. It looked lovely. As we watched the movie, I paused it and told my husband that I wasn’t told bedtime stories, nor were books read to me. Not with my mom. I lived with her 90% of the time, especially when she moved me over four hours away from my own dad.

Anyway, I didn’t have the picturesque house with the cute fence, a dog, conversations about what I learned in school that day, no happy “please pass the potatoes” moments during dinner. Dinner was filled with yelling and screaming. Often dishes were broken. Sometimes, when Vodka was involved, things got worse. I had to stop decorating for Christmas because my step-father would destroy the decorations. I had a cat I adored. Step-dad didn’t like cats. Kept scaring her, and she ran away. My step-father did give me a dog, it’s true, but within a month it was his dog.

So, when I saw this scene in the movie, I told my husband that I felt robbed.

However, I then recalled having the best talks with my dad when I visited him. Funny, encouraging, inspiring, sad… just something real, and definitely love.

My mom hates that my dad treated me better than he did her. I only have her story to go by as to their lives together. They divorced when I was two years old. I don’t remember them together. And yes, I saw him treat my step-mother badly sometimes, but he and she worked it out. My dad was good to my sisters and myself. I guess sometimes you can be a better parent than spouse, especially when dealing with MI. And to be fair, I didn’t live with him, but I loved him and our relationship. My mother recently told me she wishes my dad would’ve lived longer so I could see his true nature. There are so many things wrong with that. F**k you.

He died when I was 15 years old, my sister 14 years old, and the baby sister had just turned 4 years old. He died of a heart attack playing baseball with his church league. And something broke inside us that day. Sadly, my two younger sisters would sustain even more painful losses, and though we rarely communicate, I think of them often, and I pray for them. My step-mother as well.

I reckon I’m babbling. But that scene in that movie brought out so many things. Then, once I experienced the entire movie – wow! Extraordinary film written and directed by Casey Affleck. He also stars in it. “Light of My Life.” Check it out.

Thanks for listening. I’m sure you’ve all been there. Something you see or hear or even touch brings back a ton of memories. Or maybe they’re just right there under the surface begging to escape. I felt better after crying, and I feel even better after typing this up. Maybe if I did this more often, I wouldn’t be as ill. Hard to say.

So my thoughts on nature vs nurture. Both. Both can suck it up and combine with being “predisposed,” and here come the mental illness.

But we’ll get through it. Love and light to you all. 💜☮

(📸 credit: Google images)

Extremely Depressed

8.2.19 blog entry

I’ve been having trouble writing lately.

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I am so depressed. There is no reason I ‘should’ be. Nothing newly bad or upsetting has popped up. Things are status quo. Even a few big, fun things on the horizon. Doesn’t matter though. I can barely get up. I’m sleeping a lot. I am starting to feel that paranoia biting at me.

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Just gotta keep trying.

Article By Kay Redfield Jamison

Fantastic article by Kay Redfield Jamison.

“We need more people – doctors, lawyers and other professionals – to talk about their experiences of living with Bipolar Disorder.” – KRJ

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(Photo Credit: Pan Macmillan)

Quick, informative read. We must educate ourselves and others in order to eradicate mental illness stigma and for survivors to receive better treatment.

https://www.irishtimes.com/life-and-style/health-family/bringing-humanity-to-the-study-of-bipolar-1.3938003

 

 

Chipping Away at MH Stigma🎗

5.8.19 blog entry

What are some of the worst things you’ve heard or experienced that made you feel awful for having a chronic and/or mental illnesses? I’m interested to hear from people with diseases such as depression, anxiety, autism, bipolar and schizophrenia to name a few.

I mean, just check out this chart below. Certainly got my blood boiling.

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I’ve experienced the misuse of terms.

“This weather is so Bipolar!”

“When she’s on her period, she’s mental.”

And don’t even get me going on people talking down to me about med use. People in my family even, for Pete’s sake.

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. Let’s try to educate ourselves and others, comfort and care for ourselves and each other, and try to chip away at the stigma of the ignorant. (Not stupid. Ignorant. Uneducated. Two different things.)

Creation

5.8.19 ~ blog entry

Creation is beautiful. From the moment you first have an idea of something you want to create, to seeing it all the way through to its completion, it is an extraordinary process.

Think on this for a bit. In one moment, there’s nothing there, and in the next moment, there is existence. Poof, an origin.

Creation can be cathartic. One moment you’re flustered with writer’s block, and finally the sentence that feels right is typed on the page. You’re on your way. In the middle of the night, you can go to the refrigerator for a water and glance at the craft table and think to yourself that the yellows and oranges should be the predominant colors on the wreath. An hour later, you notice you never made it back to your bedroom, and you never drank the water, but the gorgeous wreath is now complete and ready to be hung in the living room or sold at next month’s summer festival.

Whatever it is that is your jam  – whether it be writing, making table centerpieces, cooking, singing, drawing, painting, photography, posting encouraging videos, fostering animals until they’re adopted – you are creating. Creating something of love and motivation and kindnesses to others. There was once nothing where there now resides something.

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That something, along with the smile that graced your face while you constructed it, is a thing of beauty. Let’s face it, we need more smiling and beauty in the world. I’m not going to get all sappy and tell you to stop and smell the roses, except wait, that’s exactly what I’m going to do. Please stop and smell the roses. Please stop and look at the things you do well and feel the pride you deserve. Please stop and look at the things in your life that you created and smile. Then, go do more of it.

 

(image: barbaraannyoder)

Back Home

4.18.19 blog entry ~ Back Home

So, I’m feeling some better. I have a bit more energy, and I feel…well, I almost feel…like things are more manageable. That is definitely not something I believed a day or two ago. I guess going to the hospital with symptoms mirroring heart issues and being admitted to the hospital, coupled with the likes of nitro and potassium, would rock me to my core. My own dad died of his third heart attack at the age of 44, after all. I’m 42. And his dad died of the same issue at age 47. So, I went, I saw, and was stuck with tons of needles, underwent many tests, and lived to tell the tale. My heart is healthy. I’m stunned. Based on family history and medications alone, never mind our poor diet since I’m not able to cook all the time. But hey, a win is a win!

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I’m home now, but I am still experiencing the same pain. That part makes me angry.

I’m tired of physical and mental ailments. “Sick and Tired” – perfect description. Just gotta keep putting one foot in front of the other, I suppose.

A friend told me I’m an inspiration to her because, “You keep going, love.” Eh. To which I replied that I just continue breathing because of these sorts of invisible life support machines that won’t let me go. A large part of me still believes that, but I’m starting to come back round and count my blessings. Tonight, I even enjoyed watching and smelling rain and freshly cut grass. That was a nice Reset Button, if you will. I’ve been listening to my favorite playlists via Amazon Music – performers such as Halsey, Bruce Springsteen and Billie Eilish, and watching whatculture on youtube. I just love that channel with its discussion of films, comic books and gaming. And heck, I’m writing this, and I’ve chosen a new book to read. Those are good indicators of my better moods. Anything like that, as well as creating craft décor and reading/writing poetry are significant and usually mean good things, even if my poetry reads as “dark.”

Anyway, I’m managing. How are you guys? Anything new? Anything you need or want to share?

Take care of yourself, and when you can, each other.

 

(photo credit: guysandgoodhealth)

Social Anxiety and Bipolar Disorder YouTube Link

3.19.19 blog entry

I stumbled upon some things Hannah Blum has to say about Bipolar Disorder and Social Anxiety. Please take a quick 3.5 minutes to hear as she shares her experiences and stories. This is motivating, and I will definitely check out more on HealthyPlace.