Liking the Bad Guy More

*SPOILER ALERT: I’m human. I occasionally curse, and there’s a naughty word in here.*

So, is anyone like me and relate to the bad guy/gal in books and films? Heck, even some historical events? I do. Quite often, actually. I was thinking about it today and wondering why. 

I think it’s because the bad guy is flawed. Most of the time people aren’t all bad. They have made bad choices for a number of possible reasons and landed where they did before realizing they need to turn back, and I empathize with that, because being even more honest, I’m often a fuck-up.

Feeling like I was robbed of something – usually love. Feeling unappreciated. Feeling under valued. Feeling like I don’t fit in with the good guy group, because after all, they look happy and all pulled together, and their FaceBook pages tell me all about their glorious lives, and here I am, not any of those things. 

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So, sometimes I pull for the bad guy to get away, and I can with no trouble because, after all, I’m watching movies and reading, of course. Or root for the female villain to win and humbly accept her apologies and be crowned upon her throne.

Honestly, I don’t know. I’m babbling. But, I pull for Loki (Thor), Erik/Magneto (X-Men), Slade (vigilante from Netflix original The Five), Francine Hughes (Farrah Fawcett in The Burning Bed, abused woman escaping her husband). Two are misunderstood and do some misunderstanding of their own. One, a vigilante.

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The last trying to save the life of herself and kids. 

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Eh. Well, again, as I said, please pardon the babbling. My life is very nice now, but for decades, things were not right. That brain wiring and the automatic reactions and feelings don’t just disappear. As I said, just random stuff bouncing around in this mind of mine. Be well. ✌

Haircut vs Personal Time

Again, I am left alone. Again!

My son just up and decides he wants a haircut and my husband just up and decides to take him. We were in the middle of watching a mystery show together. I was feeling a little better than I have been in the last few days and few weeks. I was not having any suicidal ideation and my muscles in my back and neck were feeling a little better.

And then they just decide and go. They don’t ask how I feel about it, if it’s okay, if I’m doing all right…..

I just want to go home. I have that feeling of wanting to go home. And as I’ve discussed before in this blog, feeling like I want to go home has been going on ever since I was first diagnosed with Bipolar and my psychotic breakdown in 2004.

I don’t know where that place is, the home for which I ache, because it certainly wasn’t a physical house I grew up in. I just want to go home. And I’m sad and tired and extremely angry now because I’m just ignored and disregarded.

Basically, I’m experiencing a Mixed Episode of Bipolar, and though I can hear myself and read these words that sound nonsensical, I still feel furious and hurt.

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Please, families take care of each other and love each other. Please friends extend a hand and let your friends know you’re with them and you’ll do what you can, even if it’s just listening.

Listening is a huge thing and loving gesture.

And Still I Feel Weak

So, if I was advising any other friend/person dealing with Bipolar Disorder (and any mental health issues) who was suffering and feeling alone, I would advise them to seek out their support system.

What is My Support System: (most I’ve read are similar & I’ve worked this out with a few medical professionals)

  1. Use coping techniques that I know have worked uniquely for me in the past. (arts and crafts, music, reading, exercise, writing, gardening)
  2. Have fun with a friend. Just get out for a quick lunch and fun chat for 1/2 – 1 hour.
  3. Talk with friends I’ve met who, like me, manage mental health illnesses and issues. (They have a specific set of experiences that can help me when I can’t see clearly.)
  4. Talk with my therapist. (Therapist knows my strengths and weaknesses and how to kick me in the butt, lovingly of course.)
  5. Get an appointment to see my psychiatrist sooner than I already have scheduled, and discuss possible medication issues. (This is key. As many medical professionals that can be involved to help me walk through these times, the better. Medication might be doing me harm, or a med that is working might offer even more benefit if the dosage is increased.)
  6. When all else fails, in this day and time of technology and social media — I just start yelling out wherever and whenever I can that I need help!

With all of that being said, I’ve been dipping really low lately. Dangerously low at some points due to physical illness and pain, and there have been family issues arise that I will address at the appropriate time. Steps 1-6, that I listed up there, for and about me, seem quite reasonable and sound.

So, why did I struggle to reach out to my therapist a couple of weeks back?

Because it still makes me angry that I get so low I have to seek out the help.

~ Me Today ~

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I feel weak.

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And if I feel weak, even after having dealt with this (including education) for decades, then someone new to this madness could most definitely be terrified to seek help, and have no idea where to begin as far as how to cope.

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So, my bottom line. No matter where you are in this process, seek help. Yell it out! Type it out! Go to a doctor, clinic or psychiatrist. See a therapist or try a support group. Or hey, all of the above!

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