White Noise, Any Noise

6.23.19 blog entry

Question – Do those of you with Bipolar, Anxiety, Depression and the like have a hard time with a sleeping routine?

I absolutely cannot lie in the dark minus music, nature’s sounds, rain sounds, white noise from the fan (even in winter) tv…you get the point. There must be some noise. For anyone asking why, it’s because I can’t just allow my mind to wander. My mind doesn’t dream of fairies, or Disney World, and what will happen in the next chapter of an engaging book I’m reading. No, my mind worries, and fears, and screams. No lie, that’s on a good day. So, I do whatever I can until I pass out.

white-noise-online

It’s not how the psychiatrist envisions the routine for me. It’s no, in bed by 10:30 and up at 6:30. That’s the only point my psychiatrist of almost a decade and I do not see eye to eye on, the sleep issue. I just can’t seem to sway him. Sometimes, experience (or struggle) with an issue defies what books say should work.

Anyway, I must have some noise. Some distraction.

What about you guys?

 

(📸: Google images)

Tryin’ But Ain’t Firin’

Hey, y’all. I’ve been trying to come up with something to write. I’m sorry. I just don’t have it in me. I’m tired. I just don’t have anything to say.

I woke this morning, mouth bleeding, because I had bitten my tongue in three places. I’m in extraordinary pain in hips, knees and back.

My son had a rough, emotional day, and when you have two Bipolars living together, that can be tricky. By his biological father and bullies/staff at school, for so long he was like a puppet with someone else pulling his strings. I’m so glad he finally cut those ties.

“What Happens When Someone With Bipolar Is A Caretaker For Two?” Coming soon to a screen near you.

Anyway, I’m tired. I know things will turn around. But damn. Hurry up. 😜✌

 

Sick and Tired and Sick and Tired and…

I’m very sick.

I’m very tired.

I’m very sick and tired.

I wish for physical pain relief.

I wish for emotional pain relief.

It is all unrelenting. And while I don’t have any suicidal plans, I must say that sometimes I wonder to myself if it would be nice to sleep for about 30 years. I mean the kind of quick snap of your fingers that allows you to be gone while having surgery. Then, I would awake for a bit of time with family and friends, and then head on out one night in my sleep.

Worst Thing You Have Dealt With Because You Are Mentally Ill

Question. What’s the worst experience you’ve had with another person because you have Bipolar Disorder or any mental illness? What form of stigma? Was it from a friend, family, co-worker, etc? Was it a hurtful remark, someone undeserving being promoted over you at work? Was it due to ignorance or just plain gossip or even cruelty? Have you moved passed it? How did you stand up for yourself? Did you? And if you managed forgiveness, how?

Stigma-1a-healthyplace

 

Bipolar and Headaches

6.6.19 blog

A study of comorbidity of bipolar and headaches & yep, yep, I figured they were running buddies. I hate the headaches I have like right now when I’m clearly on the edge of hypomania and highly irritable and agitated.

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Good study. Good article.

The Bipolar Spectrum in Migraine, Cluster and Chronic Tension Headache

 

(Image credit: Google images)

Irritated Rant

6.6.19 blog entry

This is a weird one. Not weird so much as contradictory. What am I getting at exactly? Well, I’m full of contradictions tonight, a bunch of greys in a black and white world. I’m an introvert. I’m an extrovert when I have to be for the work I’m trying to do, or when I’m hypomanic. What a bitch of a situation. I want to be around people. I want to interact with people. However!! However… I get so tired of people and their stupid shit really quick.

Maybe I’m losing my patience as I get older. Maybe it’s being easily overly stimulated by excess, loud noise. Maybe it’s lack of tolerance for crap in general. Maybe it’s trying over and over to push that extroverted self forward to help others, promote the blog, submit witty and what I hope are insightful articles on various websites for publishing, and putting together what I think are nice decorations to sell. Maybe it’s just all that goes into that and often feeling like I’m spinning my wheels. I’m telling you what, my f**king head is pounding.

blog headache 2

I was doing fine, but then I began interacting with people tonight, and real quick I was like, nope no more. Can people stop treating me like a child, despite the fact that I’m acting like one right now? See the problem there? I seek out the interaction but when it gets rolling, sometimes it’s too much. I know. I know I’m acting like a child. Most of the time I don’t, so cut me a break. Constructive criticism has always been a welcomed thing for me, but when it becomes consistent from people over and over, it feels more like nitpicking.

This is one of those times when I know this is just my emotions fiddling with my brain and tomorrow or a day or two later, I’ll look at this and be embarrassed by how much I’m whining here. Nevertheless, Bipolar does toss my emotions all around, so I guess this is part of it. An ugly part. A part where I want people to be my friend and care about me and be concerned, yet I don’t want them to wear me out. Some people are harder to deal with than others. That’s just life. Most of the time I’m better at doing that. Tonight, I’m not. Tonight, I’m a two year old. Actually, that is a bad comparison as the two year old would have much better manners and a better hold of themselves for Pete’s sake!

blog headache 3

I have a massive ass headache, and I’m pissed at the world that I want to love me dearly.

I know, I’m a pain in the ass. I’m also ill. Any other of you guys with Bipolar go through this silly mess from time to time? Or maybe you have a loved one who has this dreaded disease? Do they go through this?

Sorry. Rant over.