A Better Day

7.15.19 blog entry

Better 🌞

Today has been a better day. I wish that I could tell you it’s because of something special I did. Something specific. However, I have done the same thing today as I do every other day, which is trying to do my strengthening exercising and cardio for the sometimes crippling, and most of the time debilitating, fibromyalgia.

Emotionally and mentally I’ve done better today – again I don’t know why. I didn’t read anything special. I didn’t create anything special. I didn’t listen to anything special, or even watch anything special. The best I can remember I was actually in a trance yesterday, and every once in awhile come to and wonder what I had been sitting and doing. I’m not saying I dissociated. I’m simply saying that I totally checked out. Is it possible that that’s what I needed?

20190715_203702.jpg

Did I need to just check out more often – give myself that permission – and take care of myself emotionally, mentally and physically!? I don’t know maybe it just all boils down to the damn chemicals just like it always has and always will with Bipolar Disorder. I don’t know.

I do know that I’m thankful that I feel a little bit better this evening. And I know that I’m about to do some drawing and listen to some music, and hopefully continue to enjoy my evening before I fall asleep.

20190715_203823.jpg

I hope that all of you guys reading this are doing well and/or getting better. Love and light to you all.🙏✌

Article By Kay Redfield Jamison

Fantastic article by Kay Redfield Jamison.

“We need more people – doctors, lawyers and other professionals – to talk about their experiences of living with Bipolar Disorder.” – KRJ

20190712_223453.jpg

(Photo Credit: Pan Macmillan)

Quick, informative read. We must educate ourselves and others in order to eradicate mental illness stigma and for survivors to receive better treatment.

https://www.irishtimes.com/life-and-style/health-family/bringing-humanity-to-the-study-of-bipolar-1.3938003

 

 

Drowning Again

7.8.19 blog entry

So, I could lie, or try to act outwardly more positive, but this blog is supposed to tell the truth of day to day life as a person struggling to survive Bipolar. Here’s the truth. I’m doing what I’m supposed to do such as art and writing. I’m listening to music. I’m doing strengthening exercises for my knees. Household bills. Cooking.

20190708_220853.jpg

Trying to write a blog entry. However, the truth is the truth. It’s just scary to tell the world sometimes. It’s frightening to say that today I understand why people with mental illnesses lose the fight. I get it, and that’s not good. And I feel so incredibly alone.

20190708_220910

I’m drowning.

Patellar Tracking Disorder and Other Stuff

7-3-19

So, I just want to congratulate everyone who keeps moving forward and surviving, as I am these days. I’m not accomplishing much more than that, but there is effort. Also rec’d new medical info about my knees that I’ll describe more later…basically my kneecaps aren’t staying where they should and are slipping. Has a fancy name as these things do but ultimately ends up with me wearing tailor-made and fit braces and probably a walker, and surgery(ies) down the line.

How are you guys doing? I’d like to know. ✌ Sharing photo below as I promised to do when I began writing this blog. The good, the bad, ugly, all that jazz.

20190703_213918.jpg

Sometimes Music Says It Best

Okay, so the blasted article submission I’ve been busting my butt on was denied. Again. Received some helpful feedback, but I do wish I had received it the first time it was handed back to me. It would have been tremendously helpful. I was told that I have a charming writing style that unfortunately doesn’t fit their tone. Right now, I’m just going to move on and write something else. Something with no goal of publication anywhere in particular; just something that is mine and that makes me proud and happy. Write my way on out of here. Away from financial woes, physical pain, fear, anxiety, and a bunch of other BS that comes with Bipolar.

Check out In The End (Mellen Gi Remix) [feat. Fleurie] by Tommee Profitt feat. Fleurie on Amazon Music
https://music.amazon.com/albums/B07PQ1P5NC?trackAsin=B07PMXDSJ8&ref=dm_sh_GCpSzNveEkWyiyuZtecVWsoqX

 

Anyway, sometimes music says it best. I’m glad for that because I cannot allow myself to sink lower right now. If I do, I won’t get back up for a while, and I don’t have that time to spare. Between the pain and what I logically know only feels like temporary failure, I just cannot — CANNOT — allow myself to sink lower.

Check out Spectacular Now [Explicit] by G-Eazy on Amazon Music
https://music.amazon.com/albums/B07TDDGFPR?trackAsin=B07TBBYG83&ref=dm_sh_x16EmArgiooVsQJHx7yI9XIbg

 

 

Continuing To Try

6.25.19 blog entry

Just a quick note, I’m hurting everywhere. Pain is so, so intense I’ve considered the ER. Fibro flare-up. Arthritis flare-up. Thus, I’m not sleeping, which makes things worse, and I hurt more. So, I’m anxious and depressed about all of the above. However, I looked over the editorial comments I was given for an article I submitted to an online publication last week, and though I am scared shitless to fail again, I changed some things and resubmitted. So, at least I tried, and I know I did the right thing because my son is super proud of me for doing so.

faith

Anyway, as I said, brief tonight, but I just wanted to say I’ve not given up on any front, and I continue to try. Good luck to all you fine folks as well. 🌱✌🍀

(📸:allaboutseniors.org)

White Noise, Any Noise

6.23.19 blog entry

Question – Do those of you with Bipolar, Anxiety, Depression and the like have a hard time with a sleeping routine?

I absolutely cannot lie in the dark minus music, nature’s sounds, rain sounds, white noise from the fan (even in winter) tv…you get the point. There must be some noise. For anyone asking why, it’s because I can’t just allow my mind to wander. My mind doesn’t dream of fairies, or Disney World, and what will happen in the next chapter of an engaging book I’m reading. No, my mind worries, and fears, and screams. No lie, that’s on a good day. So, I do whatever I can until I pass out.

white-noise-online

It’s not how the psychiatrist envisions the routine for me. It’s no, in bed by 10:30 and up at 6:30. That’s the only point my psychiatrist of almost a decade and I do not see eye to eye on, the sleep issue. I just can’t seem to sway him. Sometimes, experience (or struggle) with an issue defies what books say should work.

Anyway, I must have some noise. Some distraction.

What about you guys?

 

(📸: Google images)