Rambling About Creativity in the Dark

Some say that it’s a gift this Bipolar, but it is most certainly, and without question, a curse. And the thing is it’s only a gift (a perk, if you will) because apparently many of us with Bipolar are creative, artistic and quite intelligent. Additionally, according to some tests, because they’re always doing tests, and who the heck is they… one of zillion tests bouncing around out there, we’re spiritual, empathetic and resilient. I guess I could agree with resilient, at least for myself, if for no other reason than I wanna piss off all the voices that say it would be really simple to down all of those pills, blah, blah.

Anyway, I digress.

I was thinking about how important sleep is, not only to help heal our bodies, but also to allow our minds a respite, rest, sleep and healing. Yet, there are many, many nights when I have my best revelations and inspirations at 2:00 in the morning. I think of different art pieces I’d like to attempt, or different ideas for my two YT channels. And this can 100% be separate from racing thoughts. Sure, I deal with racing thoughts, obsessive thoughts, and the really fun nights when they melt together in a gooey oozy thingamajig, and you know you’re not gonna get one second of sleep. Yes, I’m kind of rambling, but I also kinda have a point. An observation, if you will. I’m saying that some nights it’s not hypomania, it’s not racing or obsessive thoughts, and yet I still have the best of my creative ideas pop into my head when the sun goes down and the moon comes out to play. Then, I wake up and I manage and function throughout my days and they can be good days, but where are the freaking magical, brilliant thoughts and ideas that visit me in the dark?!?!

Curse you Bipolar! (oh…wait…)

Thanks to you all for reading, and please feel free to check out my videos on Jen Talks Bipolar and Pain & a booktube channel Jen Talks Books. The fun is just getting started!

What are you guys up to these days? I’m so glad to be back!

 

 

Catching Up, Seems I’m Alive

Hi, there. I’ve missed you guys. Just wanted to let everyone know that I’ve not abandoned this blog. I’ve just been dealing with untreated carpal tunnel and a shoulder injury. I’ve begun treatment for it and am feeling somewhat better. I hope to be back to a more consistent writing schedule soon. In the meantime, please feel free to check out my YouTube channels & follow my social media.

Twitter @JenM_Curry

Instagram @jenm_curry

 

Jen Talks Bipolar

 

Jen Talks Books

That Was A Lot

Hello, All.

I know I haven’t been around much. I’ve been quite low. Depressed really. I might have moments some days of feeling a bit better – peppy, more productive. However, as a whole, I’ve been down in the pit. I’m sure if you’ve suffered with depression or know someone who has, you know the pit well.

Anyway, quick update. I’ve begun therapy again. Tomorrow is actually my second visit. My husband’s rotator cuff is probably shot after the hit & run. We’ll have an MRI and find out soon. So thankful we have comprehensive auto insurance, short term disability, long term disability, “accident and hospital extra fees” insurance (whatever you call the latter there, I do not know). Boy, am I glad now that we pay for each of those policies a bit out of every check. I learned a long time ago when my back troubles and first surgery began at age 21, when I felt invincible and felt I didn’t need insurance between jobs, then ended up having back surgery with no coverage, that no matter what, as long as we could manage it, it’s best to have as much insurance and coverage as you are able.

People helped us with a GoFundMe campaign, and these beautiful souls were so amazing and generous. We were able to pay the rent and cover rental car fees and groceries until we could receive the check from State Farm for the totaled out car and buy a new pre-owned car. So again, thank you.

Now, my husband and son are back to work, because my son delivers for Doordash in the evenings when the car is back home. My husband received a promotion at work. We will be moving into the city of San Antonio instead of being an hour away. Cuts down on gas. My son and I are probably going to alternate days, and I may pick up a couple of shifts a week through Doordash or Grubhub and just earn a little extra money to tuck away. He and I are both excited and eager to have more social opportunities in the city as well.

Rationally, I know all I mentioned is good news. I’m not a dummy. I know we are blessed. That I am blessed. I ask about people on my youtube channel – how are they spiritually, physically and emotionally. I unquestionably know and would answer that I am blessed. At the moment, however, I don’t feel overly elated. I’m rather apathetic. Weird because I know that I am happy and thrilled for clean slate, fresh start and new experiences, but I’m not feeling much of anything. But that goes for several topics and situations right now.

As I said, tomorrow I’m going to therapy, and I’m going to go for a walk and spend some time at the river, I think. I’m also going to take my laptop with me to a diner or coffee shop and do some writing. See if I can help pull myself up a bit.

WARNING: UPON EDITING, I REALIZED THE FOLLOWING PARAGRAPH IS 100% A RAMBLING STREAM OF CONCIOUSNESS. SKIP TO THE LAST PARAGRAPH IF YOU DO NOT CARE ABOUT THYROIDS AND SALADS AND SUCH AND omg!!!! EVEN THIS WARNING HAS BECOME MORE RAMBLING…

blog shut up dear pic

I’m also going to make an appointment with my physician and check out my thyroid, which is eternally whacked – sometimes hyper, sometimes hypo and sometimes stable. I actually have the autoimmune thyroid condition that starts with H. I forget the name. After a while all the diagnoses run together and you just gotta roll and laugh. I’ve all of the sudden gained about 10 lbs. Might be because I’ve been hurting so badly and was very chair-restricted and haven’t been very active. I blew my back out getting into a jeep (uber) because I had to attend an appointment, and there were no other options. I knew it the second I did it. Now, sciatica and all that fun stuff have come back to visit. I told it to kick rocks and keep on going, but it settled in. Typical. So, I’m going to hopefully have enough money out of this paycheck to join a gym here in town that has an indoor warm pool. I feel like that’s the best – no, let’s be honest – only way for me to do any exercise that’s going to beneficial. I’ve begun eating more salads. (Mostly spring green mix and baby spinach. Grape tomatoes. Turkey. Croutons. Olive Garden dressing. I’m trying to use a very small amount of dressing. It’s one of the reasons I bought OG. A little goes a long way.) Salads are replacing at least one of my usual meals per day. Then little small things like leaner proteins, olive oil, limiting sodas to one per day, drinking wayyyy more water, and, for now, when I’m craving a sweet treat, having animal crackers. I’m almost to the point that I’m not reaching for those anymore. A while back my doctor suggested if I want to snack, choose a cereal such as Cheerios that is high in iron and snack on it as a dry snack. My point is, I’m starting with small changes and will implement more as I go, but I feel I’m making progress. Just deciding I want to change and then actually pressing go and moving forward is HUGE. Sorry, I’m rambling.

blog shut up spongebob pic

How are you guys? What’s going on spiritually, physically and emotionally? Please feel free to ramble. xo

Love to you all. x

 

(image credits: bing images)

Saying Hi To New Followers

1.8.20

Hey, guys & gals. Just wanted to say I’ve noticed some new followers as of late, and I want to say welcome and thanks for stopping by and checking out this blog. I’m busy as of late because I’m trying my hand at starting a YouTube channel. It’s been quite cathartic, actually. Anyway, please feel free to drop a line or several, and let me know about you. My primary goal with the blog and the YT channel is to create a community where we can learn and don’t feel isolated and alone. Thanks, guys. Looking forward to hearing from you.

welcome pic blog

(image credit: bing images)

 

 

when it rains, it pours TRUTH

it’s been quite a long time since I have updated you guys. If you are someone with bipolar or someone who suffers with depression you can understand why I have not posted in a month. I have been going through a lot. My family has as well, but mostly I’m going to be speaking about myself… my part. It’s just been a month of depression due to being out of meds for two weeks and then playing catch up and trying to mentally level back out after getting the meds back. But then on top of that there’s been a lot of physical pain and a lot of spiritual, mental health as well as physical health issues. Financial issues too.

lately the circumstances of my life seem keen to prove to me the legitimacy of the saying, “when it rains, it pours.”

one of the biggest issues – my pain management doctor’s office called me yesterday before my appointment to let me know that I had a $665 balance with them and that they would not see me until I have that paid… in full. At which point I asked does that mean no medication refills as well to which they replied, yes. They claim they have been sending bills to my address (I have not received a bill) but my main question was… if I’ve been a client of yours for 3 1/2 years, why in the world would you know that I would pay my bills and then just decide to stop all the sudden and not pay the $665. And when I was checking in for my appointments (almost monthly) why didn’t anyone ever flag me and let me know my outstanding balance was/is building up. So, I’m furious and angry and upset and just so downtrodden and worried and sad about that. I wanna scream and cry all at once. one reason I’ve not written many blog entries lately is due to the pain in my hand. I was supposed to receive an injection for it yesterday, but then I got that call.

as for the issues my husband and i are facing, we did have a date night a couple of days ago. had dessert at ihop and started some interesting and fun conversations using “conversation starters for couples.” it’s from gary chapman, and i love the devotional he did with his wife. we have had a few pitfalls already since deciding to stay together and work it out. in particular, there was a decision he made solely without discussing it with me, and it cost us a significant amount of money we just don’t have right now. he also lied to me. nothing huge, what kids would call little white lies (or is that grandparents who say that) and the white lie was done because he was fearful it would make me think I should go through with the separation. i get that fear, but now is absolutely not the time to lie to me. but we talked and sorted through it. and as soon as we are financially able to see a therapist, we will. i guess the the point is, we’re working on communication.

we’re doing a different thanksgiving this year for a few reasons. we’re going to have two or three papa murphy’s take and bake pizzas and their garlic cheese bread, as well as birthday cake and ice cream for my mom. we will do that wednesday, then hit a movie or two on Thanksgiving. what about you guys that celebrate? what are your plans?

do y’all do black friday sales? me – only online!

(image credit: LJworld.com)

Time Perception

Time moves differently in heaven and hell. I’ve heard that in science fiction stories and have seen it on cable shows such as American Horror Story. I believe it and wholeheartedly agree.

When manic, my mind races so fast that I feel as though an hour is packed into a single minute. What is more dreadful, I find, is the perception of time during a depressive state. I have just come out of a depressed dip that only lasted a few days, but upon emerging back into the world, I thought I had been down for weeks.

(Getty Images)

Luckily, I saw my doctor last week and was given some advice to help my sleeping issues, which I truly believe caused a lot of the mess I experienced. That depression was coupled with an intense amount of anxiety, and the two together kept me down, asleep for the last few days, partly because my mental state knocked me down so badly that I became physically ill as well.

Surviving the bouts of depression and anxiety feels as though it takes years because of how intense those feelings are and time truly moves slower and faster all at the same time. I’m glad I’m getting better and hope it continues.

How are you guys?

Do you experience time warps and skews?

Making The Most

Lots of energy has swooped in tonight. Actually, started yesterday. Being careful it doesn’t spiral me out of control the other way. Depression’s messy complete opposite, Mania. However, I did go ahead and take advantage and get some work done, such as laundry, cooking, adding pics of stuff to online garage sale, etc. Might as well do something instead of sitting there… not sleeping.

I think I personally have to make the most of the energy when I can to stay on top of things, even if everyone else is sleeping. Any of you guys do this,

The Truth

10.11.19 Blog Entry

So, I was going to write an entry about things that help lift my spirits when I’m low, or things that help calm me when I’m anxious.

Hell, here is the list.

So, there are some youtubers I’m enjoying watching – commentary with a sarcastic humor (not sarcastic mean, sarcastic funny). Anyway, a couple are James Marriott and Ryland Adams. Rich Lux beauty influencer and commentary. And that fan! LOL! Also, a few channels about music/films/tv are Whatculture, Watchmojo, Looper, and some who post celebrity and artist videos the Zach Sang Show. I also watch animal rescue channels like Hope for Paws and donate $5 when I can.

But none of that is distracting/helping me.

Of course, I’m happy to see Steven working and being so motivated. Proud of him. I’ve cuddled with the cat. Trying to enjoy conversation with Kirk and mom.

Nope.

I began a subscription to skillshare.com and am taking a couple of classes on it. One is about how to start a YT channel and the other is about drawing birds. But that’s not inspiring right now.

Marvel movies, sci fi and fantasy magazines, even audiobooks are not doing it for me.

Sometimes I can distract myself for an hour or so playing Spades or Scrabble. Has it been working? You guessed it – no.

Music is the one thing that might be helping a bit to finally sleep. I’ve had so much joint pain the last several nights. I lie there and try to sleep and just moan and cry in pain despite the medication to help it and melatonin even sometimes so I can sleep. It’s at that point, if I’ve had to take a crap-ton of meds that I might fall asleep listening to some fav music, but for a long, long time now, we’re talking fall asleep around 5 a.m., and it’s certainly not a restful few hours of sleep thereafter. Nothing restorative.

I’ll be honest. I’m pissed. And on top of all of that, our finances are in shambles. I think we’re gonna have to move. This is EXACTLY why I never unpacked and decorated. Didn’t want to believe this house could really be mine, and I was right. I’m just gonna throw everything away. My husband has an important job in ministry, but it does not pay well, and I’m disabled. So, keeping it real, we’re not gonna retire someday and have a nice house. So, why keep my shit. I’m just gonna toss it. And I’ve got to figure out a way to work despite my disabilities.

I just wanna go home.

It’s probably not good that I say that because years ago when I first had my manic psychotic break, until I was diagnosed and properly medicated and seeing a therapist, I would freak out and have spells and they always started with, “I wanna go home.” I don’t know where that is because I had never lived in a nice house/home/situation until I had my son, so don’t bother wondering or asking. I’m so tired.

I really hope you guys are feeling better than me. Didn’t intend to be a downer, but this blog is supposed to show all sides of my life with Bipolar Disorder. I could have written about things that sometimes help me feel better and cope better, but today, those things are lies. And I’m finished lying. Here’s even more honesty, if my son didn’t live with us, had his own life elsewhere, I would probably tell my husband I need to go to a mental behavioral hospital.

Fuck.

Maybe I can figure a way out to attend a support group (no charge and multiple people like yourself talking and sharing) or therapy. I think my therapist was charging $50 per session. She doesn’t do insurance (who can blame her, it’s a nightmare), so if I can prove our financial situation is even worse now, maybe I could see her a couple of times a month at $40 a pop. Supposed to be the best country in the world, right?

Yet my constant medical issues continue to drag us down and not allow for a bit better of a life. Even my son is starting to get it. He had to go to the ER. Now, even with insurance, and I was so surprised by his response to a $700 bill. He said, “But I was sick, and my insurance paid some of it. Why are they trying to put me in debt already just because I was sick.” From the mouth of babes, huh? I provided no satisfactory reason to him. He also has asked me so many times, “Why are so many Vietnam vets in our town homeless… there’s a vet hospital here.”

Wow. Umm.

Explained that the best I could. Is it any wonder I’m tired and wouldn’t mind if I just kept on sleeping. Is it any wonder I wanna go to this “home” that I mention when things are slipping out from under me. Losing the plot, I fear. I’m gonna go listen to some music and make myself sketch. Or maybe read from the Fantasy & Science Fiction Extended Edition. Damn it! It’s just gone past 3 a.m.

How are y’all?

Just An Update

Just An Update 10.1.19

So today has been much better, and I truly believe it is because last night I forced myself to sketch and write. Nothing grand came from that, but it got the creative juices flowing. Now I’m not saying I can live without meds, Lord knows, but I am saying I have a much better shot at maintaining a level mood if I’m creating something.

For me, it is part of self-care. As important as showering, applying makeup (that’s a personal one for me), stretches and light exercise, trying to eat okay, and finally, trying to get some sleep and taking my meds. And because I did that, today I watched a class on skillshare about starting a youtube channel about MH. I am writing this blog. I worked on making some decorations I plan to sell. I began writing a story. I cooked.

I don’t look forward to tomorrow because I have to go have nerve testing done on my arms, but I plan to just chill afterward and listen to a book. By the way, if you’ve read The Handmaid’s Tale, you MUST read Margaret Atwood’s follow-up, The Testaments. Turns everything you thought you knew about The Handmaid’s Tale on its side! Fantastic read or listen. I listened on Audible.

Anyway, I’m rambling. Just wanted to share I’m better today, and how I think I got there. And just want to say hi to you guys and hope you’ve had a great day.

How are you? Who else is eagerly awaiting Shane Dawson’s new series with episode one posting today, 10/1/19?

Love to you all. xoxo

(Image credit: randomhouse)