Give and Take Should Actually Include the Give

I am so alone, so without hope, so far down, so gone. And no one knows because they don’t care. I can sugar coat it and say folks are busy, but truth is, when something is important to you, you make the time. I’m always there. Always trying. Always keeping in touch.

I’m trying so hard for results that I fear I will not see.

How long must a person suffer before they are allowed to say, “Hey, I gave it my absolute best, and now, I let it go.”

Am I destined to reach the point of destruction? My own personal, agonizing ground zero?

What is it I have done that others have not also done in spades? Why do I long for absolution and forgiveness when it seems fairly obvious no one would hurt if I were to cease all of my efforts? Like all of the slack, understanding and forgiveness I extend?

It is difficult to tell exactly how much a depressive state in a Bipolar cycle influences how I feel about how the other issues are going in my life. Perhaps it is something different, though.

Perhaps, at least sometimes, it is the exact opposite. Perhaps, the way I’m treated (or not treated) brings about the depressive state and continues to feed it as if it were trying to satiate the “black dog,” as depression is so often termed.

I really am tired. Not a good situation. I am not in a safe place. I think God, myself and this tablet and keyboard are the only ones who know that, but not for lack of trying to share on my part.

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Today, if I had not initiated conversations, however brief they were, I only would’ve chatted with my son for a few minutes because he sought me out.

Maybe I should just reciprocate and match what I’m shown…what I’m given. Maybe I should just be done and fade to black.

Maybe it’s too late.

Trying but Still Yuck

Nothing much different from yesterday. I’m trying to follow the check-off list of stuff that keeps me going and eventually helps me feel better. I feel like a fraud right now, though. I don’t feel better. In fact, I’m mad I have to follow a stupid to-do list in order to feel okay. I wish Bipolar Disorder, Anxiety and all their best friends would manifest themselves into a person, vile and grotesque as it would be. Then, I would like to beat said horrendous figure until it breathes no more.

For now though, here’s my pic of today. Going to try to post a pic of what I look like and what’s going on with each blog. I think it’s important there be a visual.

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8/30/17 Me Today ~ notice I am still in the same shirt as yesterday’s photo/blog. That’s a vulnerable point I’ve just shared with you, but this is a truth of mine when battling mental illness. Personal grooming can become a war within yourself – I want to do it, of course, but I feel I don’t have the energy. Too fatigued.

Also, things are getting behind, such as household chores. I’m managing to keep up with bill payments, errands outside of the house, and helping my mom get her shower today. After that, my mental and physical reserves are gone, vanished and out of sight.

Pictures of my dresser where things are just landing for now, and unorganized bathroonm vanity ~

The thing I’m going to try in my bag of goodies is color, but I am not looking forward to being creative, it feels forced. Yet, I know from my history, I have to “fake it till I make it.”

So, coloring ~

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Peace, friends. ✌ Wishing you good mental health.

And Still I Feel Weak

So, if I was advising any other friend/person dealing with Bipolar Disorder (and any mental health issues) who was suffering and feeling alone, I would advise them to seek out their support system.

What is My Support System: (most I’ve read are similar & I’ve worked this out with a few medical professionals)

  1. Use coping techniques that I know have worked uniquely for me in the past. (arts and crafts, music, reading, exercise, writing, gardening)
  2. Have fun with a friend. Just get out for a quick lunch and fun chat for 1/2 – 1 hour.
  3. Talk with friends I’ve met who, like me, manage mental health illnesses and issues. (They have a specific set of experiences that can help me when I can’t see clearly.)
  4. Talk with my therapist. (Therapist knows my strengths and weaknesses and how to kick me in the butt, lovingly of course.)
  5. Get an appointment to see my psychiatrist sooner than I already have scheduled, and discuss possible medication issues. (This is key. As many medical professionals that can be involved to help me walk through these times, the better. Medication might be doing me harm, or a med that is working might offer even more benefit if the dosage is increased.)
  6. When all else fails, in this day and time of technology and social media — I just start yelling out wherever and whenever I can that I need help!

With all of that being said, I’ve been dipping really low lately. Dangerously low at some points due to physical illness and pain, and there have been family issues arise that I will address at the appropriate time. Steps 1-6, that I listed up there, for and about me, seem quite reasonable and sound.

So, why did I struggle to reach out to my therapist a couple of weeks back?

Because it still makes me angry that I get so low I have to seek out the help.

~ Me Today ~

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I feel weak.

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And if I feel weak, even after having dealt with this (including education) for decades, then someone new to this madness could most definitely be terrified to seek help, and have no idea where to begin as far as how to cope.

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So, my bottom line. No matter where you are in this process, seek help. Yell it out! Type it out! Go to a doctor, clinic or psychiatrist. See a therapist or try a support group. Or hey, all of the above!

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A L O N E and want to go home

DISCLAIMER: *Possibly Triggering, suicidal ideation discussed*

I feel so alone. And well, I’ve decided to be honest. Its my blog, after all. I feel like I am the one in most relationships having to constantly be the one reaching out to the other, asking them how they are, about their needs. Maybe when I don’t feel so low, I’ll view that differently, but honestly, I’ve felt this way a couple of years now. If I just dropped out right now, went off-grid, how long? How long till it’s noticed?

I just want to be gone.

I want to sleep… and sleep.

*And I know people have things going on with them that are far worse circumstances than mine,* but I am still stuck with my own cruddy experiences, pain (physical and emotional) and exhaustion.

I need help, some thing, some one. I don’t know.

I can’t keep cohesive thoughts. Instead, I have all these scrambled pieces that won’t fit back together just right to complete a puzzle. You know the ones. Christmas, with snow and cardinals, or Monet looking stuff.

I’m just shattered. When people are excited to eat egg omelettes, I’m not even the yolk or egg whites. I am the cracked egg shells getting stuffed down the dark, deep pit, then pulverized with the flip of a switch.

Disposal.

Disposed of.

Lonely.

Alone.

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Run Jenny

A therapist once asked me, “If you could write a letter to the girl you were when the bad things got going in life, how old would you be, and what would you say?”

I wrote a long letter and felt I “completed” my assignment oh so well.

I lied. I was a liar in that moment. I think, without intending to do so, I lie a lot still today.

“Oh, yes. I’m fine, thanks.”

“I had a nice day at work.”

“Gosh, that traffic I sat in on the way home from work was the worst.”

Liar! You Are Lying. Real answer, “That extra 30 minutes in the car in the traffic that I spent alone, I cried… and cried… and cried.” I needed that 30 minutes, and I wish it had been 45.

Here’s the authentic letter, as opposed to messaging my middle school self and telling her all the reasons why she should be secure in herself and future, which I had lifted from some magazine, or counselor.

Real message.

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“Hey, Jenny. Hold on tightly to your pillow and run.” Keep it simple for her because she’s only three, maybe 2, no convoluted message, no opening for misinterpretation.

“Just run little girl. Run.”