Kitty Cat Sleep Elsewhere

Monday, 12.2.19 blog entry

Does it really have to be like this?

My pain management doctor’s office had not been sending me invoices (address screw up) and allowing my outstanding balance to grow. Exponentially! Even though I see the doctor at least once a month and pay a $45 specialist copay, they never told that this balance existed. So, about a week and a half ago, I’m supposed to go in for a procedure, and I’m told on the phone I cannot until I pay my balance. Why they didn’t call before then, I don’t know. Anyway, having no clue what kind of number I was about to hear, I was like, “sure, no problem, how much?” They responded with $665!!! And even though at first they told me I had to pay half of it in order to schedule the procedure and receive medication refills, now today when I call them to pay, they say a new office policy has taken effect. I must now pay all of it, then I can schedule my procedures and a follow up visit and receive prescriptions. They also said from this point forward, every time one pays the copay, if there’s any outstanding balance from past visits that the insurance didn’t cover, one will have to pay that amount at that time. I thanked them for that last bit and said it was a fabulous idea and that every other doctor I’ve ever seen does that so that this does not happen. I admit, I’m sure I had a sarcastic tone. So, it’s there horrendous policy and poor attempts at addressing the issue and communication in general that allowed this balance to become what it is in the first place, and they’ve told me this is happening to many patients, yet they offer no payment plan to help these patients out, knowing when it’s all paid off, the new policy will be in effect. What sort of twisted fuckery is this?! Sorry, but that’s what it is. I don’t know many people who have a free $665 sitting around to slap down, but I need to see my doctor so badly for wrist and shoulder injections. We have our car set to be repaired on December 30th, and I don’t know which one I’m paying first.

My son put it to me quite simply. “Which is more important.” To which I told him that it depended on which point of view you take.

I’m furious. I’m livid. I’m honestly without words, which isn’t so swell for a blog writer, but hey, I’m calling a spade a spade.

Meanwhile, I’m having problems with my psychiatric meds. The psychiatrist told me I could increase the dosage on one med if I needed to – not gonna go into it because my wrist is hurting typing this, and I need to get moving – but the point is that I did. Now, when I’m calling requesting an earlier refill, the front desk rep is not understanding what I’m saying in trying to explain to her why it needs to be refilled early. She said even if the doctor does refill it, I have to pay an extra fee for refilling said med before seeing him again. Nope. Ain’t happening, honey. So, I gotta stay on that.

And then, for extra fun, we had to put some stop payments on some items in my mom’s checking account. I took care of it last Wednesday. She got paid Friday. Today, we woke up to $0 in her account!!!! Yes, since Friday, she’s had $1,500, now we wake to $0 because the items we placed the stop payments on (plus other auto pay bills) went through. And, we had deposited some of our money into her account as well because right now, all monies are being pooled together what with the holidays and car repair, etc. So, they will give us our money back, but it could take up to 10 business days as it must go through claims. WHAT????!!!!

Ridiculous. So, I’m making and selling Christmas decorations despite my wrist and shoulder pain. (Also, selling new and gently used clothes, books, etc, on online garage sales through FaceBook – whatever I can to make money to make ends meet until we get our money refunded.) My son was nice enough to pay for my mom’s copay for a doctor she saw today. We have a few groceries. Electric bill isn’t due for another week. We’ll make it. I’ll figure it out as I always do.

But really… should hard working people who pay their taxes and meet their responsibilities, people who are disabled, should it be this hard for them to receive care?

I just wanna smash something. So, I advised the cat to sleep elsewhere. LOL. Kidding. Gotta laugh or you’ll cry.

blog rp pic

Give and Take Should Actually Include the Give

I am so alone, so without hope, so far down, so gone. And no one knows because they don’t care. I can sugar coat it and say folks are busy, but truth is, when something is important to you, you make the time. I’m always there. Always trying. Always keeping in touch.

I’m trying so hard for results that I fear I will not see.

How long must a person suffer before they are allowed to say, “Hey, I gave it my absolute best, and now, I let it go.”

Am I destined to reach the point of destruction? My own personal, agonizing ground zero?

What is it I have done that others have not also done in spades? Why do I long for absolution and forgiveness when it seems fairly obvious no one would hurt if I were to cease all of my efforts? Like all of the slack, understanding and forgiveness I extend?

It is difficult to tell exactly how much a depressive state in a Bipolar cycle influences how I feel about how the other issues are going in my life. Perhaps it is something different, though.

Perhaps, at least sometimes, it is the exact opposite. Perhaps, the way I’m treated (or not treated) brings about the depressive state and continues to feed it as if it were trying to satiate the “black dog,” as depression is so often termed.

I really am tired. Not a good situation. I am not in a safe place. I think God, myself and this tablet and keyboard are the only ones who know that, but not for lack of trying to share on my part.

20170924_223747

Today, if I had not initiated conversations, however brief they were, I only would’ve chatted with my son for a few minutes because he sought me out.

Maybe I should just reciprocate and match what I’m shown…what I’m given. Maybe I should just be done and fade to black.

Maybe it’s too late.

Trying but Still Yuck

Nothing much different from yesterday. I’m trying to follow the check-off list of stuff that keeps me going and eventually helps me feel better. I feel like a fraud right now, though. I don’t feel better. In fact, I’m mad I have to follow a stupid to-do list in order to feel okay. I wish Bipolar Disorder, Anxiety and all their best friends would manifest themselves into a person, vile and grotesque as it would be. Then, I would like to beat said horrendous figure until it breathes no more.

For now though, here’s my pic of today. Going to try to post a pic of what I look like and what’s going on with each blog. I think it’s important there be a visual.

20170830_184122

8/30/17 Me Today ~ notice I am still in the same shirt as yesterday’s photo/blog. That’s a vulnerable point I’ve just shared with you, but this is a truth of mine when battling mental illness. Personal grooming can become a war within yourself – I want to do it, of course, but I feel I don’t have the energy. Too fatigued.

Also, things are getting behind, such as household chores. I’m managing to keep up with bill payments, errands outside of the house, and helping my mom get her shower today. After that, my mental and physical reserves are gone, vanished and out of sight.

Pictures of my dresser where things are just landing for now, and unorganized bathroonm vanity ~

The thing I’m going to try in my bag of goodies is color, but I am not looking forward to being creative, it feels forced. Yet, I know from my history, I have to “fake it till I make it.”

So, coloring ~

20170830_194432

Peace, friends. ✌ Wishing you good mental health.

And Still I Feel Weak

So, if I was advising any other friend/person dealing with Bipolar Disorder (and any mental health issues) who was suffering and feeling alone, I would advise them to seek out their support system.

What is My Support System: (most I’ve read are similar & I’ve worked this out with a few medical professionals)

  1. Use coping techniques that I know have worked uniquely for me in the past. (arts and crafts, music, reading, exercise, writing, gardening)
  2. Have fun with a friend. Just get out for a quick lunch and fun chat for 1/2 – 1 hour.
  3. Talk with friends I’ve met who, like me, manage mental health illnesses and issues. (They have a specific set of experiences that can help me when I can’t see clearly.)
  4. Talk with my therapist. (Therapist knows my strengths and weaknesses and how to kick me in the butt, lovingly of course.)
  5. Get an appointment to see my psychiatrist sooner than I already have scheduled, and discuss possible medication issues. (This is key. As many medical professionals that can be involved to help me walk through these times, the better. Medication might be doing me harm, or a med that is working might offer even more benefit if the dosage is increased.)
  6. When all else fails, in this day and time of technology and social media — I just start yelling out wherever and whenever I can that I need help!

With all of that being said, I’ve been dipping really low lately. Dangerously low at some points due to physical illness and pain, and there have been family issues arise that I will address at the appropriate time. Steps 1-6, that I listed up there, for and about me, seem quite reasonable and sound.

So, why did I struggle to reach out to my therapist a couple of weeks back?

Because it still makes me angry that I get so low I have to seek out the help.

~ Me Today ~

20170829_211620

I feel weak.

crisis blog 2

And if I feel weak, even after having dealt with this (including education) for decades, then someone new to this madness could most definitely be terrified to seek help, and have no idea where to begin as far as how to cope.

crisis 3 blog

So, my bottom line. No matter where you are in this process, seek help. Yell it out! Type it out! Go to a doctor, clinic or psychiatrist. See a therapist or try a support group. Or hey, all of the above!

crisis blog 1

A L O N E and want to go home

DISCLAIMER: *Possibly Triggering, suicidal ideation discussed*

I feel so alone. And well, I’ve decided to be honest. Its my blog, after all. I feel like I am the one in most relationships having to constantly be the one reaching out to the other, asking them how they are, about their needs. Maybe when I don’t feel so low, I’ll view that differently, but honestly, I’ve felt this way a couple of years now. If I just dropped out right now, went off-grid, how long? How long till it’s noticed?

I just want to be gone.

I want to sleep… and sleep.

*And I know people have things going on with them that are far worse circumstances than mine,* but I am still stuck with my own cruddy experiences, pain (physical and emotional) and exhaustion.

I need help, some thing, some one. I don’t know.

I can’t keep cohesive thoughts. Instead, I have all these scrambled pieces that won’t fit back together just right to complete a puzzle. You know the ones. Christmas, with snow and cardinals, or Monet looking stuff.

I’m just shattered. When people are excited to eat egg omelettes, I’m not even the yolk or egg whites. I am the cracked egg shells getting stuffed down the dark, deep pit, then pulverized with the flip of a switch.

Disposal.

Disposed of.

Lonely.

Alone.

20170824_192243