HOW I FEEL ~ 6.15.18
Having an extremely rough time of it. I feel quite alone. I did want to check in and share that simply because this blog is supposed to relay the ups and downs of Bipolar. I feel alone, abandoned, ignored, without any value, and as though I’ve nothing to contribute. I know the facts are this is not true, but I still *feel* these emotions just now. Take care of yourselves, folks. ✌
TWO HOURS LATER –
Trying to fight back against this depression and the intrusive, harmful thoughts. I had said earlier that I was going to take a break from talking and an online presence, but I don’t need to isolate – whether online or in day to day living. Tomorrow, the family is going to take my husband out to eat for Father’s Day. I’m going to try to get to an evening church service on Sunday night, and set up something on MeetUp. I appreciate any support. I’m trying.
I believe you said goodbye with the faintest of a whisper so that I could not reply, even with a silent tear.
I now say, I love you and be well. xo
So…yucky news. My husband is being laid-off, end of July. So, the search is on for positions here where we now live, and the company (nationwide) is searching out relocation options. So far there have been two pop up on the radar.
I do love it here. The spacious house. The birds. The deer. The large yard. The river. The slower-paced community. However, we will have to make difficult decisions soon. Stay here and gamble, hoping he finds a new job ASAP, or accept one of the relocation offers. We just moved here last year.It would be the second move in a year’s time. Additionally, what about my mother who lives with us now. She can hardly walk after the surgeries and is about as good as she’s going to get physically speaking. A senior community or assisted living might be in her future. Her near future. Additionally, it would most likely be best that I put my two upcoming operations on hold for now.
So, how the heck am I staying calm even though I’m a very emotional and anxious creature?
- Prayer and trust in Jesus – we have been here before and He took care of us.
- Listening to soothing music and white-noise type sounds.
- Going to make an appointment with my therapist.
- Finding silver linings, such as my son having more kids to hang out with (this is mostly a retirement community and that’s been rough on him).
- Not allowing myself to sleep during the days and give in to what could easily become depression.
- Distraction (mostly artsy type stuffs).
- Mindfulness, which includes prayer.
- Movement…just continuing to move by doing things like stretching exercises.
- Planning – looking at the relocation cities and what they “have to offer” such as neighborhoods, rent, cost of living…getting some answers instead of wondering about everything, which would spike that anxiety. I like having a Plan B.
- I have good friends who listen and sometimes offer advice.
- Perspective. None of us is dead, you know?
- Breathing exercises.
- Not borrowing trouble. I will have to face it when it is time anyway. No need to waste energy now.
- I do have PRN medication for anxiety if needed, but not so far.
I am sure I have forgotten some things, or will “employ” more as I go, but that is what is helping now. I feel pretty stable. I’m hanging in there.
I have rather a good feeling about it just now. We shall see what is in store.