Shout Out

Blog entry ~ 10.7.18

Sincere and honest shout-outs, thanks and love sent to those of you who involve yourself in my life, and allow me to be a part of yours. No matter the distance, the circumstances or the past. No matter if you are also depressed or anxious.

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You, like me, care enough to check in with a friend or family member. This is one of the most important and loving things we can do for each other.

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Treating Others Feels Grand

Treating Others *Feels* Grand ~ 8.5.18

I woke in severe pain today. A little more than usual. One thing I can say that is good for both my physical and emotional pain is helping others, loving on others. Today, despite my pain, I took my mom and son to see a movie. Their smiles, jokes and laughs were quite worth the added discomfort.

Thank you, Lord, for our special time today.

You Are Not Alone

YOU ARE NOT ALONE ~ 7.14.18

One thing about mental illnesses vs physical (& visible) illnesses is the response and support I receive from friends, fellow church members and even family members.

Broke my foot, my support system and community rallied to provide meals for at least two weeks, which was much appreciated.

Down and depressed though, rarely have I received offers of the same kind of help.

I have been thinking, why is that? I’ve come up with two reasons, as far as my own experience goes.

1. People are uncomfortable around someone struggling with depression and/or anxiety. It’s just the truth.

2. I have not done a good job reaching out and asking for help. So why on earth would friends and family feel anything else besides uncomfortable?

Having pondered that, I’ve decided in the future I will try my very best to ask for help, and during my okay times, I’ll continue to try to share things about Bipolar with others.

I would like for there to be encouragement and support for those with illness, as well as their family and friends, on this site.

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I want people to know they are not alone.

Tucked Away

TUCKED AWAY ~ 5.18.18

Don’t most relationships (of any kind) have their ups and downs? Moments we want to hold onto; moments we would prefer to forget?

Sometimes, in writing these blog entries and describing things from a certain point of view, or when I’m in the midst of an episode, it can appear confusing as to how I feel/felt about my loved ones. (Believe me, it’s worse inside my head.) Do you really even have to be Bipolar to understand to some degree what I’m saying? I think so, if people are honest.

Last night’s entry mentioned difficulties with my mom and dad. My mom admits to compartmentalizing periods of her life that caused her pain. They’re tucked away so she doesn’t feel those emotions. Here’s the thing, I was around during those times, so I’m kinda put away on difficult to reach, dusty shelves, as well. It has made for a challenging relationship with her, and I do not agree with her keeping me in the house that she did with my step-father. She knows this. I’m not telling you a secret. But today I wanted to take a minute to say that she has helped me in my life and loved me in the way that she uniquely loves. She’s helped me through back surgeries and a horrible first failure of a marriage. She helped me raise my son when his father left and I was working 60 hour weeks. And we continue to get to know one another in efforts to become closer. We can laugh together, too.

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Now my dad. That’s a mess. I can’t describe that right now. Not well, anyway. Problem is, I thought he was one thing, and I learned some disturbing things last year that I still don’t know how to process. Until last year, even though he died when I was 15, I felt he was at the core of molding who I have become. Maybe he still is, but with the things I discovered, I don’t know what that says about me. I’m not trying to be ambiguous here. I’m actually going to begin counseling next week to try to sort some of this because it has really screwed with my head. As I do, I’ll share more. For now, I’ll say that I loved playing catch and football with him, and he taught me to play Spades and kick butt at it.

I’m thankful I have my husband and son. I’ll share more about this journey as it unfolds. Thanks to you all, as always. xo

18

I’m not doing the whole resolution thing, but I am taking the opportunity to do a bit of self-reflection. I’m going to try to work on small, attainable goals that promote growth. If I don’t achieve all of these quickly and/or every single day, I am not failing. These are just guidelines to help improve myself and help others.

First and foremost, try to dedicate myself even more to Jesus, my Savior. That’s something I should always be doing, and help my family and friends in any way I can and should. Witness when and where I can. This is not part of the eighteen. This should be every day, every month, every year.

Eighteen Goals – dedicate myself and give my best efforts as I’m able. Don’t be hard on myself if I don’t nail all eighteen immediately, fully and completely. Any effort is good. Any effort is helpful and beneficial. Any effort is progress.

1. Begin setting goals and outline a plan to start attending sociology classes again in order to ultimately be involved in juvenile criminal justice.

2. Research and try vitamins, supplements and foods that help protect nerves, and decrease joint inflammation and fibromyalgia pain.

3. Cook more often, while utilizing crock pots, pressure cookers and meal wrap storage.

4. Use coupons and the like to help with finances.

5. Researching ways to build a craft-making and selling small business in order to help with finances and to have an outlet for creativity.

6. Join the local town gym that offers classes and indoor warm pool for arthritis and fibromyalgia. Also sign up for the massages and nutritionist offered at the gym. Endorphin release will also help mental health issues too, of course.

7. Go to the one flat park in this town that is full of hills and walk with Richard Parker.

8. Visit my special hideaway at the river more often. Relaxation and a nice place for photos, writing, drawing, coloring and/or listening to music or books.

9. Follow bird trails in town and nearby towns and do more of the birdwatching journaling.

10. Get more bird feeders, birdhouses, and bird baths for the yard.

11. Plant a few plants in front walkway to add a splash of color to the house.

12. Start growing a few of my own herbs, as well as food such as tomatoes.

13. At least one 4-day weekend family trip in 2018.

14. Save money for a longer, more activity filled family vacation in 2019.

15. Find ways to have time to myself and maintain balance. Do not isolate, but do have some time alone for quiet time, free thoughts flowing, creativity, etc.

16. Work with new ideas listed above and doctors to find some sort of normal, consistent sleeping pattern.

17. Volunteer more often.

18. Laugh, sing and dance (privately, like a fool!) a little more often!

And ALWAYS encourage others. Pray for others!

Just a Day

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday, and there has been a bit of a med tweak. We’ll see if it helps with what I’m calling a bit of a cognitive fog. One thing I really appreciate about this doctor is how he listens and how he doesn’t want to pump me full of meds, doesn’t think that just meds alone are the answer, and is willing and actually aiming to have as little medication use as possible.

I also ordered my favorite essential oils, both calming and energizing, and ordered some cream that helps with nerve pain, fibromyalgia, arthritis, and the like. That could really impact my life, knocking pain levels down from 8 to 6 or 5, even.

Payday is this upcoming Friday, as is Thor: Ragnarok! So thrilled. IMAX 2D with recliners for seats, and free posters, tickets bought, baby! Have heard great things about this one, and I just love Loki. (Wish Magneto would make a guest appearance, but hey, can’t win them all! Loki is definitely a win!!)

I got to see my dear friend this past weekend and play with her young daughter and her dolls and all things sparkly. I’ll see her again in a few weeks to attend a function another friend is throwing. That will be nice, too, introducing everyone to each other.

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Payday, I’ll also be able to join the gym that will offer the warm pool, arthritic classes, nutritionist and physical therapy massages.

Trying to be good, as they say, do what can help me, as well as my family.

Now, this past weekend I was supposed to attend my sister’s baby shower. There’s a lot of history there. Technically, she’s my half-sister, but she and I have hardly ever had much to do with one another, and that’s due to a whole slew of reasons, some understandable and some not. Some were my wrong-doings, some hers/theirs. Anyway, we had been reconnecting and doing well, and then she and my step-family (sister, mother, etc) suffered a horrific loss of a family member, all too young and early and unnecessary. I cannot fathom their pain. I pray for them nightly. However, at that point, even though I tried, she and I fell out of touch. Well, really and truly, she just flat would not reply to me. About anything. Good stuff. Bad stuff. Questions. Attempts to check in to see how she/they were doing. Silly things. Nothing warranted a response, which I guess is indeed truly a response, even if it makes me sad.

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My Dad. Sometimes, I wish he were alive just so I could slap the shit out of him. Just messes around with the lives of those around him, and up and dies and totally bails, leaving us to wade through unimaginable amounts of crap trying to make sense of it all and come out smelling somewhat okay, even if it’s not exactly the scent of roses. Keep in mind, I know what I just typed is not rational. Emotional as hell, though. It’s how I feel. Often. I have hope I will have relationships with these ladies and their families in the future, but there is that saying about the best indicator of the future being past behavior and actions…or something close to that. I butchered it, but it fits this situation, this family, if anyone besides me even wants to call it that, or hope for that anymore.

You get the point.

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Anyway, I’m trying, which is the best I can do some days. I’m gonna have a sandwich and some Halloween candy and maybe color or watch some tv. And I mean, for Heaven’s sake, people were killed in a terrorist attack today in New York when I was there just a few weeks ago. Things could always be worse. So much worse. And there are always reasons for me to be happy and beyond thankful, which I am, but I think I’m allowed confusion and anger sometimes, too. Anyway, this entry has had no real rhyme or reason. Simply a person with Bipolar logging their last day or two, as I set out to do with this blog.

Peace.