Only Took One Scene

8.26.19 blog entry

Hey, guys. How are you? Please comment below. I sincerely wonder and care about you, and I would love to cultivate some friendships, and I always want this to be a place where people can reach out for help. ✌🤝💛

If you know me in real life or have been a long time online friend, you know I think a lot about nature vs nurture. I’m not obsessed with it, but I’m close. I think if we could figure out a few key things such as emotional/sexual trauma, physical trauma, and if we could map brains to locate the gene (misfiring of synapses…whatever brains do) to find that kink that predisposes us so that we’ve ticked off all the boxes and ding! ding! ding! we develop Bipolar Disorder (or whatever MI plagues you), maybe we could kick Bipolar’s ass. If we could find the correct connection. Crack the flippin’ code.

All of that being said in order for you to understand I think about it a lot. My writing isn’t all that technical tonight because I was forced to take a pain pill. My knee pain… I couldn’t stand it anymore. So, hopefully you follow this BS I’m putting out there. If you don’t, please don’t give up on me. Read some entries before and after.

So, what got me thinking about this for the 500th time is something I saw in a movie. It involved a young girl, maybe 10 years old, and her dad. He was telling her a nighttime story, totally making it up. They laughed and also had a bit of a serious talk. It looked lovely. As we watched the movie, I paused it and told my husband that I wasn’t told bedtime stories, nor were books read to me. Not with my mom. I lived with her 90% of the time, especially when she moved me over four hours away from my own dad.

Anyway, I didn’t have the picturesque house with the cute fence, a dog, conversations about what I learned in school that day, no happy “please pass the potatoes” moments during dinner. Dinner was filled with yelling and screaming. Often dishes were broken. Sometimes, when Vodka was involved, things got worse. I had to stop decorating for Christmas because my step-father would destroy the decorations. I had a cat I adored. Step-dad didn’t like cats. Kept scaring her, and she ran away. My step-father did give me a dog, it’s true, but within a month it was his dog.

So, when I saw this scene in the movie, I told my husband that I felt robbed.

However, I then recalled having the best talks with my dad when I visited him. Funny, encouraging, inspiring, sad… just something real, and definitely love.

My mom hates that my dad treated me better than he did her. I only have her story to go by as to their lives together. They divorced when I was two years old. I don’t remember them together. And yes, I saw him treat my step-mother badly sometimes, but he and she worked it out. My dad was good to my sisters and myself. I guess sometimes you can be a better parent than spouse, especially when dealing with MI. And to be fair, I didn’t live with him, but I loved him and our relationship. My mother recently told me she wishes my dad would’ve lived longer so I could see his true nature. There are so many things wrong with that. F**k you.

He died when I was 15 years old, my sister 14 years old, and the baby sister had just turned 4 years old. He died of a heart attack playing baseball with his church league. And something broke inside us that day. Sadly, my two younger sisters would sustain even more painful losses, and though we rarely communicate, I think of them often, and I pray for them. My step-mother as well.

I reckon I’m babbling. But that scene in that movie brought out so many things. Then, once I experienced the entire movie – wow! Extraordinary film written and directed by Casey Affleck. He also stars in it. “Light of My Life.” Check it out.

Thanks for listening. I’m sure you’ve all been there. Something you see or hear or even touch brings back a ton of memories. Or maybe they’re just right there under the surface begging to escape. I felt better after crying, and I feel even better after typing this up. Maybe if I did this more often, I wouldn’t be as ill. Hard to say.

So my thoughts on nature vs nurture. Both. Both can suck it up and combine with being “predisposed,” and here come the mental illness.

But we’ll get through it. Love and light to you all. 💜☮

(📸 credit: Google images)

WATCH OR AVOID

Watch or Avoid – Psych Suspense Dilemma ~ 6.30.18

I am curious if you guys with mental health issues (or if you have a family member or friend struggling) have to be careful watching psychological suspense?

I’m so intrigued by the trailer for the film Unsane. But I just never know if what I want to watch will be a great film for thought, processing and discussion, or just send me right over the edge.

Therefore, I usually avoid watching movies like this.

What about y’all?

The Secret Scripture

The Secret Scripture ~ March 19, 2018

So, yeah. Two things after watching The Secret Scripture with Rooney Mara, Theo James, Eric Bana and Vanessa Redgrave.

1. Glad I wasn’t a woman in early WWII.

2. Glad I wasn’t a Bipolar woman in early WWII.

The movie premiered two years ago (2016) and the book was written and on shelves in 2008, so I’m thinking I’m good to go ahead and say what I want here, but I guess just to be sure ~ spoiler alert.

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I am thankful I live in a time when women are treated better. I know there are still lots of #metoo type issues going on, but back in the early 40’s, a woman could be committed to a psychiatric facility by a man, not only in hopes of receiving genuine medical help, but also as punishment, or as a means of manipulation. But the character in the book would have none of it, continually repeating to herself,

“My name is Rose McNulty. I did not kill my child.”

She kept notes in her Bible in order not to forget her husband, her child, herself and the truth.

The other horrific moments she repeated those facts to herself was when she was about to undergo ECT treatments. Mind you, she didn’t really even need such drastic measures, but it was a way of controlling her. Some people did and still do require ECT. Back then, you’d be zapped and convulse for far too long, her character usually reacted to the volts for five minutes, only as a means of punishment. However, even if she had indeed suffered from Bipolar, the art of ECT was nowhere near perfected.

Maybe it’s still not perfected as I write this is 2018, but it’s much better, and many patients, along with their doctors, use it as a means of helping control Schizophrenia, Bipolar and Severe Depression. Now days, you receive anesthesia and a drug that relaxes your muscles. Electrodes are placed on your temples, and you receive a quick current. You wake a bit later, usually remembering nothing. You could possibly be confused for a bit afterwards. So, it’s effective for some, though many still lose memories. It would be my absolute last choice, but for those that it helps, that’s wonderful.

I’m probably scared of it because of movies depicting a severely screwed up Jack Nicholson flying over the cuckoo’s nest, and this book and movie, The Secret Scripture.

Jack Nicholson

Anyway, I still recommend Secret Scripture, by the way. It’s wonderful. Even with the sadness, there is beauty throughout, which is much like life, I think. Stellar acting. Top marks all around.

But yeah, I’m so glad to be a woman today, and I thank those who came before me and endured what they did in order that I may go to the voting polls and that women who are abused can receive justice, not just have their truths tossed aside.

votes for women

And I’m darn glad ECT is much more effective and safe now, and that it’s a choice for me, not a punishment, or something used as unnecessary treatment when a Lithium pill could solve the matter.

lithum

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