Thinking About Dad

I’ve been thinking about Dad.

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For years, I’ve heard friends talking about their dads attending their high school graduation and walking the brides down the aisle. I’ve listened to stories about how much dads love their grandchildren.

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This and so much more wasn’t in the cards for me, as I was only 15 years old when he died.

On top of that, I heard some disturbing things about him after his death, which I now question. Not certain I believe what I heard based upon the source and that person’s past. Or maybe I just want and need to believe that person lied to me.

So, I’m left with a lot of questions. I was also thinking about what I did in the days, weeks and months after he died. How did I cope? Because I know I certainly didn’t cry much. Had I, I think I would have never stopped. So, I threw myself into sports and listened to a ton of music. One song I repeated over and over was Cold November Rain by Guns N’ Roses. I could probably sing you every lyric from memory. Like right now, if you’d so wish.

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So yeah, anyway, where am I going with this?ย Well, it’s more of a rambling tonight, I guess. I did realize a connection between my 15 year old self and my 42 year old self. Both of us turn(ed) to music and physical activity (even though mine is limited now due to health conditions). And I suppose that’s a good way of coping. And I’m learning to forgive, as well as asking to be forgiven. I find it a shame that so often it’s easier to forgive once the person has passed away.

Thanks for listening. Take care of yourselves and each other. โœŒ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ’›

Hug your Dad. ๐Ÿ’™

Cathartic, I Guess

October 25, 2018 Blog Entry ~

Just bawled for 20 mins.

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Sobbed for family lost. Wept due to worries about friends. Cried because of unrelenting physical pain. Then, just let loose because of everything already mentioned and so much more. I wailed. You know what? I actually feel better. Going to listen to my @Halsey mix playlist and sleep…I hope.

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Here’s to all of us who keep putting one foot in front of the other and try to do some good along the way. Share love.

#cryingisnotweak #cryingiscleansing #cathartic #endurance #strength #love #forgiveness #blessed #bipolaruninvitedblog @ Kerrville, Texas

Shout Out

Blog entry ~ 10.7.18

Sincere and honest shout-outs, thanks and love sent to those of you who involve yourself in my life, and allow me to be a part of yours. No matter the distance, the circumstances or the past. No matter if you are also depressed or anxious.

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You, like me, care enough to check in with a friend or family member. This is one of the most important and loving things we can do for each other.

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Forgive, Live and Love

I’ve been thinking and praying.

To start with, I feel like I am a funny, intelligent, loyal, decent human being. I feel like I’m a good mom and wife, though I know that like most of us, I could improve. I’m a good friend. I think I’m a good daughter, even though that’s been a long, rocky relationship.

That word I just used, though. “Rocky.” I was thinking tonight and wondering why I have a few of those rocky relationships that don’t seem to get resolved over time. Problems begin that are not necessarily huge, outlandish arguments that completely sever ties, but are powerful enough to cause a lot of mixed emotions that just compound over time. We go along weary of saying something wrong to each other and causing hurt feelings, but then because we’re not talking, our feelings are hurt in that way.

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I think what I’ve figured out is this. I don’t kindly, yet firmly, insist that when the initial problem arises, that is fully and completely settled then and there. Now of course, not 100% of a misunderstandings will be settled and put to bed at the immediate onset. Time is needed to think and settle, and both parties have to be willing to sit down and speak to one another from the heart. Instead of years worth of misunderstandings, avoiding the other, blaming the other, and/or blaming myself, it is my hope in the future to settle things early on, instead of trying to just get out of dodge when it first comes up, with mixed emotions flying all around me, and nothing truly being put to bed with peace and forgiveness found.

In the beginning, when I try to duck and hide, I say some stuff I want to say, though probably not in the best manner, and honestly afterward, I more often than not run away. There is no closure.

Now, I am a big believer in how receptive the person on the other end of the line is, depending on what I choose to say and how I choose to say it. However, if things aren’t settled sooner rather than later, bad memories/thoughts come to the surface any old time they want to, and I experience the same sadness I did when it all first took place.

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I need to put my heart on the line in the beginning, ask how I can better our relationship, and share what I need as well. I need to discuss and sort, with respect to what each person can handle at that time, and feel forgiven and that I’ve forgiven them, and that we’re still loving family and friends and are moving forward.

Happily.

Peacefully.

Lovingly.

Because I don’t know about anyone else, but I feel uneasy and sad. I want things to be better. I want to do better, and I want others to treat me in the same way. However, over time, if I try to chip away at it with gestures that are not reciprocated or misread, it causes even more pain, and honestly, things get all jumbled up like a ball of yarn you’re trying to roll back into place after the cat destroyed it. Sometimes you give up on that yarn and trash it.

I need to settle up at the beginning, so to speak, and put it to an end. I need to respect my boundaries and those of others, but I cannot go on dragging things out over long periods of time, all the while feeling angry, unloved, undervalued, insignificant, and somehow making the other party feel hurt, followed by a brief time of peace, and then boom!!! we are back where we started.

I need to say and do what I need to say and do in the beginning, because after all, I believe that most people want to get along with others and love them. I believe most people have good hearts and that they do the best they can with what they know at the time. I believe people can misread each other, that folks have bad days, and that as I misunderstand them, they misunderstand me. When I mentioned above that at times I feel anger…come on folks, really and truly, what is anger at its core?

Pain.

Hurt.

 

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I believe if all involved would try to remember these things and just speak from their heart with honesty and without pointing out blame on the other side (the other person) that there could be such peace and love instead of confusion and heartbreak. Most importantly, even if the other person doesn’t do, think, and feel as I just mentioned, as long as I act and love in that way, at least I can know I tried. Maybe later down imaginary roads, forgiveness and peace can be found. Time runs out so fast, though. So fast.

Tomorrow is Father’s Day, and I lost my dad about 25 years ago. So yeah I know, my sisters know, my stepmom knows, that time runs out so fast. And when that time runs out, I don’t want anything left unsaid, and I don’t want someone wondering if I loved them, or not. I do. I really do care for the people in my life. I just hurt, and that blasted pain gets in the way. Happens to most of us, I assume.

I hope to forgive and be forgiven. In the end, it is truly that simple. Maybe I’ll get my courage up to make a phone call or two tomorrow.

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Circles at 3am

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Something I’ve been thinking long and hard about took shape tonight into something both profound yet simple. I could finally see it somewhere other than in the jumbled up mess that is my head. It’s a circle, dude. A Circle.

Yes, you heard me correctly. A good old geometric circle, like “comes around full circle” 360ยฐ sort of a circle.

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Simple and easy are not always walking along hand in hand, though, are they?

What we do to people, and what they do to us. Simple, right?ย Simply heartbreaking.

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So, I’m gonna aim for my circle description in steps.

Step 1. Someone harms you, like deep in your soul agony. Like parts you didn’t know you had were set ablaze, and then you begin wishing you didn’t still know you had those parts.ย โ™จ

Step 2. You hate the person, or snub them, or gossip about them, or take revenge, or cry a ton because they hurt you… I mean, they burned you, right? Now, it builds, festers, and allowing oxygen to reach those embers… till BAM! Fire!!! ๐Ÿ”ฅ๐Ÿ”ฅ๐Ÿ”ฅ

(ADVICE: Step two is not a fun step. Totally not cool. I highly recommend opting out of step two before you get burned!)

Step 3. You realize you’ve hurt people. ๐Ÿ˜งDamn, really?

“But I didn’t mean to… they took it wrong… I was having a rough day and just sounded rude…well they did this and that to me…” Gosh, listen to myself spew excuses. ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜ณ

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Step 4. Think for a sec. ๐Ÿค” Are you always a crummy ass sort of person? Or do you just do crummy things sometimes? Most of the time, it is the latter, and most of the time without planning or malevolence. Do you set out to deeply hurt and wound someone? Of course not. So, now you see where I’m going, don’t you? Most of the jerks in step two that hurt you DID NOT INTEND TO DO SO. And for others, *you are* the crummy turd in step two!

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Step 5. Blast it! ๐Ÿ˜ก๐Ÿ˜  Now, I can’t hate them. Now, I have to acknowledge that I see a bit of them in myself, and worse, myself in them. We all make mistakes, and then strive to – learn to hush and listen (not just hear), take ownership, practice asking forgiveness and extending forgiveness (even if not requested, acknowledged, or accepted), strive for patience and live, pray to see and feel their hearts…

This blogger here thinks the biggest (and hardest) step is to learn to love the offenders, faults and all, and extend that same forgiving love to ourselves.

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Step 6. Love yourself. Forgive yourself. Love this person with whom there is pain. Learn to forgive them.

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Round and round, cyclical.

Loving & Making Circles.