Margot Kidder – What Is Known

MARGOT KIDDER, WHAT IS KNOWN ~ 5.14.18

I took a hit today, and the mental health community took a blow.

4C3C8D3200000578-0-image-a-125_1526329007144

As I write down these few thoughts late on Monday night, May 14, 2018, doctors and family officially say Margot Kidder’s cause of death is unknown.

 

Here are things we do know.

We know she was THE Lois Lane. Huge thanks to her for that alone.

When later in life she had a manic breakdown and her Bipolar Disorder became known to any and everyone, she learned what she could about her “disorder” (that’s bulls**t, it’s a disease, but I digress) and how to go about feeling better.

margot-kidder-i-went-to-work-and-did-a-quote-on-storemypic-054d6 (1)

What is known is that she became an advocate for those around her with mental health issues, particularly Bipolar, and it paved the way to help those of us also unfortunately suffering with Bipolar, like myself and my son.

What is known is that her work will live on, and that I owe her thanks, just as I did with Carrie Fisher.

gettyimages-156108622

What is known is the medication that most of us have to take to survive this cruel disorder is a difficult journey, to say the very least. From the decision to trying meds and surviving side effects, adverse reactions, or hospitalizations, all the way to finding the right combo. (I would not even dare tell you how many meds I have to take to survive. It’s in the double digits. That includes supplements, as well. So many people say it doesn’t have to be that way, and if you believe that, or better yet you live it, I’m glad you’re not faced with the whole ugly mess.) It is incredible to note that Margot had two extremely public breakdowns, one of which included her disappearance for four days and an attempted rape. In 2007, she said she hadn’t had a manic episode in 11 years thanks to orthomolecular treatment (nutritional supplementation), which most quality specialists who care for their patients will discuss with him/her and try if it seems one is a good candidate. (I’m on Depakote, by the way. #TeamJen 😣)

margot-kidder-depakote-also-has-a-really-bad-side-quote-on-storemypic-6493a

What is known is that Ms. Kidder was active in the women’s movement, as well as the peace movement. Whether you’re a #metoo believer or not, support the #Dreamers or any other work she did, the attention she drew, the things she said, the slander thrown at her, all of that helped you. Helped us.

margot-kidder-i-was-very-active-in-the-peace-quote-at-storemypic-40b59

Never forget who came before us and the work they did so that we can voice our opinions.

Look, Bipolar didn’t kill her, but this I can say with zero doubt; this I know. It certainly did not help. There is evidence that each time we experience Bipolar episodes, gray matter is destroyed. Meds, well we talked about that. ECT treatments. 😧

What I want to say is, thank you, Margot Kidder, for all you did to help me as a woman with Bipolar Disorder in 2018.

I once read that you said the scene in the first Superman movie when you and The Man of Steel flew high above the gorgeous, lit city, it was a close depiction to what it feels like flying high in a manic episode.

1526320217_10001441+SUPERMAN+KIDDER+REEVE

I know that you’re flying and free now, and I’m so happy there won’t be a crash at the end of this one.

BP Thorns

BP Thorns ~ 3.16.18 ~

So, I read someone else’s FB post, and it got my mind spinning.

head-spinning-clipart-1

I think it was about our trials in life actually being a gift from God, and if I understood the writer, some events are basically engineered by God to lead us back to Him. To rely on Him.

I just wanted to hear some replies about that if you’re a Believer. Most pointedly, I’d like to ask if you believe Bipolar, or any other mental illness, or even physical chronic pain, is something in your life because God wants to draw you closer to Him. To lean in, as the writer of the post often says. And does He engineer it, or just allow it?

Me? I think there is sin, hate and illness in this world because we are allowed free will and man is corrupt. I don’t think he said, “Tag, Jen! You’re it with the Bipolar!” But because there is suffering, I think He expects me to use that to feel His love. Considering Paul, ship-wrecked, beaten, stoned, and carrying a thorn in his side. I guess if Paul can make his way through that and write several books for the Bible (the most in the New Testament) then I can endure what is going on in my life. Even more importantly, if Jesus sweat blood in The Garden of Gethsemane, so dreading and fearful of his betrayal, flogging and crucifixion, then I can handle the occasional hallucination, no?

I’m wondering if anyone has suffered doubt or anger towards God because you agree with me, that this might be the thorn in our sides, that we need to lean in more to God, and that you ultimately think that it’s bull to be put through this kind of thing from He who is supposed to be a loving, caring, generous God. I admit I have battled with those feelings when I’ve been down deep and dark in those depressive prisons, when and where I feel Satan and his demons take advantage.

I hurt every day. Physically, but moreso mentally and emotionally. Every day. But every day, I know there is Jesus with me, and that one day all of this will fall away. Thank God. I can’t even imagine and am certainly not worthy. But one day.

jesus_love_by_bellbell2345-d820wsu

Death at a Crap Time

f2f216a9180d541940f14eeb704c8b13--bipolar-disorder-mental-disorders

One aspect of Bipolar ~ Depression about an event I cannot control or revisit.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my dad. Actually, I’ve been seeing him some, which is strange in a way, as he has passed away. One of those things Bipolars (or at least I) struggle with often.

“I saw him out of the corner of my eye. Something or someone who looked similar to him? Or maybe I’m just plain nuts and at the beginnings of a manic/psychotic episode?” 🤔😧

I’m paying close attention, and I have one or two people who can tell me if I spiral out of control and I end up think I’m floating among the stars.

Besides all of that, and probably because of it, I’ve been thinking about him a lot. Losing him at 15 years old, he only 44, I knew him as a father, with the potential of adult-to-adult talks I would’ve had later suddenly rendered impossible . I would like to have asked him about Bipolar Disorder and what I think I remember of him having times of deep sadness, then flashes of rage and anger at times, though limited. I remember him doing crazy and off the wall stuff and laughing about it. ‘Course I think he was BP, but no diagnosis.

Did BP genetics possibly play a role in my life? Nature vs Nurture. Believe me, my home with mother and stepfather was no home, was a house. A house with lots of terror. So, it appears nature and nurture conspired to get me.

Thanks for that.

Additionally, after 25 years, I still am not certain how to grieve and let go of my questions, which sometimes lead to depression on my part…and possibly hallucinations.

Maybe this is one of those…it is what it is.

I guess I need to work through some of this with my therapist.

20161120_235554