Hey Houston

Hey, Houston ~ 8.13.18

I’ve had a few steroid injections as of late, and as ever, troubles followed.

“Houston, We Have a Problem.”

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Not sleeping. Acting out of character. Not paying enough attention to finances.

At least so far it’s been a “giddy” euphoric mania, not dysphoric and rageful.

Only good thing is that I’ve been a lot more artistic, especially with writing. Those things tend to become dulled for those of us with this disease and the taking of mood stabilizers.

I can’t let it go on too much longer or become more intense. If that happens, I could easily be introduced to a behavioral hospital in San Antonio for the first time. I’d prefer not. Sigh.

At least, I recognize it. I’ve got family and friends helping me keep in check. It’s a trade-off. No steroid injections, the more intense the physical pain.

I could say the dilemma is unfair as hell, but I digress. Others are going through worse, and I knew this was a gamble. Still sucks, though.

Gamble-Responsibly

Take care of yourselves and others, guys. ✌💛🙏

Hiding and Survival

HIDING ~ 7.31.18

By the age of eight years old, I had to figure out, quite abruptly and quickly I might add, how I was going to survive. Not physically; rather, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I can’t recall what I did at that young of an age, but something existed within me that said, “No, you will not be beaten by this situation.” The situation was a stepfather entering the picture.

By age the age of 12, I can say that I was very good at hiding.

I would get up on weekends and in summers and do my daily three hour cleaning and gardening, then pack a drink, sandwich, some snacks and a portable cd player, and took off to the creek and small lake not far from our home (house, actually…two different things) as well as the empty bottomed-out river beds full of limestone.

I would have lunch down there, listen to music, wade in the water, and quite often I would take a book to read that day.

I was down there by 9-10:00 a.m. and would have to return home for dinner and cleaning afterwards.

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Dinner was seasoned with nightmares – the kind that occur while you’re awake. I would get through all of that as soon as I was able and go to bed, pretending to sleep and blocking out screams with that blasted cd player. The bedroom door had no lock.

During the school year, I left for school early each day, offering the excuse I needed tutoring. I became involved in extra-curricular activities and sports so that I could go home later. As soon as I was legally allowed, I began working. And when all of that failed, when I was going to be stuck in the house alone with him (him is the stepfather) I hid in the bathroom acting as though I was sick, or taking a long time to get ready to go out somewhere, etc.

Ultimately, what I’m trying to say here is that in order to survive that time period of my life, I hid. I got to the point at which I excelled. At that point, it was a coping technique – a way in which I survived.

As an adult, is hiding the healthiest strategy? Probably not. However, you know what? It allowed me to survive. Currently, working on more healthy coping techniques.

Take care and treat each other with love, guys.🙏💛✌

7 27 18 blog entry

7.27.18 Blog Entry

One of the hardest things to do when I’m extremely depressed and experiencing anxiety attacks is…well…anything. So, today, when I wanted to hide under the cover (or drive to a hotel to sleep and cry) I managed to shower, put together a grocery list, made some quick, yummy pasta, and took care of a few bills. Also had a good talk with my son. This sounds like…well…not a lot, but when I’m this far down and pondering various methods of death, it is quite significant.

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Therefore, just like I tell my son (he too has Bipolar) I’m congratulating myself and calling it a win!

On Top to Crushed

On Top to Crushed ~ 7.25.18

It’s as simple as this. A month or two ago, I was on top of the world. Now, I feel crushed by it.

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My bones are becoming dust, and soon I’ll blow away with a heavy storm.

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In keeping true to what I set out to do with this blog, I occasionally add photos conveying mood. Here’s today…and the last couple of weeks.

Support Resources

Support Resources ~ 7.19.18

So, my last blog entry was titled, “Ugh.” That remains an accurate description of what’s going on with me. In fact, it kind of makes things sound better than what they are, but it will do for this entry.

I’m thinking I need to join a support group in addition to therapy. I need to interact with others and hear different perspectives, different experiences, and so on.

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I thought I would list a few websites and ideas for others to locate a support system, especially if he/she does not have a therapist.

nami.org/Find-Support

healthfinder.gov

betterhelp.com

ecounseling.com

Additionally, you can seek out support groups and connections through local churches, and you can call offices of local psychiatrists and therapists for their advice.

Let’s help one another. Support one another. Love one another.

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Any other sites or tips you can offer, please do comment. Please share this page and blog. We need to take care of each other. #helpeachother

Be good to yourselves. #selfcare