So, here was my concern when setting up this blog and sharing thoughts, starting conversations, posting what works for others and myself, posting interesting information and research done regarding Bipolar Disorder – a myriad of thoughts and ideas. What I dreaded was, and is, what the hell to post on these days of “struggle.” I call it struggle because I am not full-on depressed. Yet. I’m having to work at not sinking deeper. I “took the day off” today. No doctor appointments. No paying bills. No looking at the mail. I slept quite a bit today. Now, that’s probably also due to the tremendous physical pain I am in and the medication I took for that pain. (Lower Lumbar Fused, Arthritis, Fibromyalgia and feet and shoulder plagued with Tendonitis.) More to come on all of that mess in future entries. I have the feeling of “wanting to go home.” I have this thought, and have even said it aloud, when I’m down. That’s a symptom of mine to which I should pay attention, because within a day, I could be struggling to function at the most basic of levels.

So, like I said, I dreaded when these days (and worse) would arrive. What would I write?

I decided go with what it looks like for me to try to fool you. The tricking of you into thinking I’m okay when I am so not okay. Now, I know I cannot speak for everyone, but I do know so many people with Bipolar do what I’m about to show you in these simple photos. I cannot tell you how many times I have had to do this at family, church or friend meetings and get-togethers.

This is an easy way to demonstrate to you something I experience, and a game I feel I must play in order to get along and not upset anyone. Can’t be responsible for causing any waves, you know. Because that’s what I do. I hide the Bipolar the best of my ability. Hopefully, tomorrow I’ve bounced back, but I could also plummet and spiral down. Way, way down.


Photo 1 will show you how I really feel today.

Photo 2 shows how I’m practicing the look of someone who feels okay. I need to look okay, you see.

Photo 3 shows a relatively happy looking me. And for today, a complete and utter fraud.


I Lied, Only Trying to Survive

I’ve missed family meals, outings with friends, or had to leave early sometimes. If you could peel away my face and see what I am feeling, what I am thinking, what I am fearing, what I am imaging, things that worry me…you would recoil in fear. Terror, to be perfectly frank.

Not understanding actions of a troubled loved one? Ask for help understanding, and listen. Listening, which is beyond hearing, could make all the difference in the world. It is not overly-dramatic to say, you might save a person unnecessary pain, or even save their life. Understand, any given day, though it was fought and conquered the days before, could be THE day.

At least, that’s my world. I venture to say it is the same for many with BP.