A L O N E and want to go home

DISCLAIMER: *Possibly Triggering, suicidal ideation discussed*

I feel so alone. And well, I’ve decided to be honest. Its my blog, after all. I feel like I am the one in most relationships having to constantly be the one reaching out to the other, asking them how they are, about their needs. Maybe when I don’t feel so low, I’ll view that differently, but honestly, I’ve felt this way a couple of years now. If I just dropped out right now, went off-grid, how long? How long till it’s noticed?

I just want to be gone.

I want to sleep… and sleep.

*And I know people have things going on with them that are far worse circumstances than mine,* but I am still stuck with my own cruddy experiences, pain (physical and emotional) and exhaustion.

I need help, some thing, some one. I don’t know.

I can’t keep cohesive thoughts. Instead, I have all these scrambled pieces that won’t fit back together just right to complete a puzzle. You know the ones. Christmas, with snow and cardinals, or Monet looking stuff.

I’m just shattered. When people are excited to eat egg omelettes, I’m not even the yolk or egg whites. I am the cracked egg shells getting stuffed down the dark, deep pit, then pulverized with the flip of a switch.

Disposal.

Disposed of.

Lonely.

Alone.

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When It’s Best to STHU!

Usually, I enjoy the quiet when everyone in the house has gone to bed. It’s nice as I can real quick-like freak out because of overstimulation. People talking too loud. Too much action on the tv. Accidentally reading something stressful. Just too much movement, noise and…well, chaos.

However, tonight with the sun down and everyone asleep, I feel incredibly lonely. That tends to not go all that well for me,  because some crapola from my past sneaks in and floors me. Sometimes, I can sort through it using the toolbox my therapist and I built. The other times, nothing works. Tonight is just that…nothing working.

 

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I wrote about what was bothering me, my dad long-gone and my family through him. Steps and halves. Easier to say family, even if it doesn’t feel that way 100% of the time. I’m not going to post it yet, though. I’ve learned to let it simmer and read it again the next day after some rest…figure out if I still think I should post it, or send the email, or make a call…whatever the case may be.

So, I wait…

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