Open

OPEN ~ 6.1.18

It’s an absolute crime not to get up from my seat and walk over and open the blinds to allow sunlight in and see the birds flying about. It seems I cannot will myself to get up and do it, though. The cat seems intrigued as to what’s going on out there. Hmm.

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I’ll have to look and open the blinds, just because I don’t want to do so. It’s important for me to take steps like that and not slip into a rather deep, dark hole.

I’m feeling alone today. Have been for a few days. I feel like even though I am busy and ill, I take the time to reach out to others, but I don’t feel any reciprocation. Not from friends or family.

I just want to retreat further within myself. Trying not to, though.

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Trying…..

This.

This. Just this.

~~~~~

So, revisiting this entry approximately three hours later.

I’m just going to add that I feel so low and alone. That’s why I’ve not written much lately. However, I’m trying to log something because this is one of the worst things about Bipolar. Thinking you’re as low and alone as possible, but no, there is still somehow a way to dive lower.

You know, it’s not a dive, as just said above. It’s drowning. With heavy stones in your pockets. Drowning.

I’m not even sure how to describe it. The best I can do now is just write what I can when I can.

When It’s Best to STHU!

Usually, I enjoy the quiet when everyone in the house has gone to bed. It’s nice as I can real quick-like freak out because of overstimulation. People talking too loud. Too much action on the tv. Accidentally reading something stressful. Just too much movement, noise and…well, chaos.

However, tonight with the sun down and everyone asleep, I feel incredibly lonely. That tends to not go all that well for me, ¬†because some crapola from my past sneaks in and floors me. Sometimes, I can sort through it using the toolbox my therapist and I built. The other times, nothing works. Tonight is just that…nothing working.

 

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I wrote about what was bothering me, my dad long-gone and my family through him. Steps and halves. Easier to say family, even if it doesn’t feel that way 100% of the time. I’m not going to post it yet, though. I’ve learned to let it simmer and read it again the next day after some rest…figure out if I still think I should post it, or send the email, or make a call…whatever the case may be.

So, I wait…

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