Two Sons

Two Sons ~ 9.10.18 ~ blog entry

I have two sons.

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One who loves me, treats me adoringly, helps me in any way he can, is creative, helps his friends, extends kindness to *misfits* at school, and is all around loveable.

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I have another son who has black eyes, misreads and misunderstands things you say, becomes loud, belligerent and cruel, and is not only emotionally abusive, but physically abusive as well.

Unfortunately, both of my sons live in ONE human body. He has Bipolar, and he faces these awful hardships brought with it.

Even sadder, he inherited this from me.

Between our two human bodies, reside four people. I’m glad that we are strong enough to know that when it all settles, we love each other very much and are trying our best.

But my gosh, what a heartbreaking challenge. Within two days, each of us have expressed wanting to be done with Bipolar, done with this world. (I didn’t say that in front of him, of course.)

However, imagine your child coming to you and saying that he feels so awful and hopeless, that mom better take his medication into her room for the night because he is considering swallowing all of them.

So, tomorrow we set out for more help. On this day in particular, World Suicide Prevention Day, I found it important to share our story.

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Love yourselves and each other. Take care of yourselves and each other. 🎗🙏💛✌

Slippery Slope

Slippery Slope ~ 9.8.2018

Have you ever had surgery? You’re knocked out and next thing you know, you’re awake… usually uncomfortably awake. This gap between counting back from 10 and not even making it to 7, to later awaken to nurses asking you how you feel, this gap has always fascinated me. (Well, since I was 21 and had my first back surgery, but I digress.)

It is interesting to me that it doesn’t feel like sleep, not for me anyway. There is no remembrance of a dream, certainly no feeling of rest. There is no seeing a bright light or feeling warmth. There’s just being there one minute and back the next, only in reality, hours have passed.

What am I talking about, you might wonder. Why? What’s the point?

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(Photo credit: The Tangled Escape, quirkybytes)

Well, it’s simple, actually. My mind is fried. I don’t want surgery, and I know that I can’t sleep for days in a row under that kind of anesthesia. I don’t want to leave this earth yet, mostly because of my family.

What I need is that anesthesia black out. For like two weeks, maybe three.

Escape.

Allow my body and mind (mostly) to just call a time-out.

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(Photo Credit: hwwcnow.org)

I’m so tired. I’m on a slippery slope here, wishing for something like that.

Peace and love. 🙏✌❤

Share in September

September is Suicide Prevention Month

In the coming days, I’m going to share my struggle with suicidal ideation and near-attempts.

Please, this month, and any month for that matter, share your story. It will help you, and it will help others.

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It is imperative we remember we are not alone. ✌

It Is Trying but I Keep Trying

I have nothing to say. I just thought I should share I’m alive, yet struggling because I invite others to share when they’re struggling, when they need help.

This chronic physical pain – fibro, arthritis, lumbar fusion – is wearing me down. I just feel like I can’t any more. I know I can and will, but it feels as though all is lost right now. Dangerous place to be.

Last night, I was hallucinating. I awoke with the back of my head sensitive and in pain, like to the touch, as if I hit my head. My face was tingling. So much pain.

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I’m so tired. So sad.

Take care of yourselves and each other, guys. 🙏✌💙⭐

The Struggle Is Blah Blah Blah

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Still struggling… with moments of being okay. I’m aiming for contentment. Almost there. Just flying high and plunging way too low, way too quick, back to back. Tired… and the physical pain – forget about it.

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(Photo credit nerdist.com)

Feeling defeated at times. Still know I’ll be okay. Thank God I’ve not lost the plot 100% and that I know that deep inside somewhere.

How are you, friends? Take care of yourselves and each other. Let us know here if you need help. 💛🙏✌

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The Wall

I’ve not given up writing or on the blog. I’m just so tired from being in so much physical pain. It is absolutely essential I do the best I can to keep my mental and emotional health in check.

Sometimes, writing and sharing feel overwhelming. So, my only choice just now is to share that bit with you.

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(Image credit Dax Fit Life.)

How are you guys doing? What do you do when you hit this wall?

Take care of yourselves and each other. ✌🙏💛