24 and Counting, Face of Bipolar

Twenty-four hours plus (24 hrs +) with no sleep.

A Face of Bipolar ~

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The fabulous ideas I had last night but could do nothing about because everyone else was asleep, now appear to me as insurmountable and unrealistic for sure. I’m reminded of something a friend said recently in response to one of my blog entries. Paraphrasing, she said she’d forgotten she once had hopes and dreams. I’ve heard so many friends with BP  (met through a support group) that, despite every effort, have fallen short and not achieved what they wanted. I hope God points out to us that we’re in a different place than we planned for a reason, though we may not understand, or even want it. For those of you reading who are not Believers, I hope you can figure out with the help of friends and loved ones that something positive came, and continues to come, from something crummy and awful.

Because to me, if we can’t find or help develop the good, then what the heck are we even doing here.

Mini-Vaca, Wayyyy Important

Yo! I’ve been gone several days on a mini-vacation visiting friends and family. It has been simply wonderful. I enjoyed seeing friends and families. I *needed* to see these people. A friend of 25 years, give or take, and I’ve not seen her since her four-year-old was a baby. As she said on her FB post, we picked up right where we left off, and I knew we would.

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Anyway, all in all, saw two very good friends, and had a nice get-together with my husband’s side of the family. In the past, there have been some misunderstandings there, but we seem to be moving in a forward, positive direction. I like the boundaries in place.

So, in this past week – a haircut, a movie about sharks (47 Meters Down – who voluntarily goes into a cage in deep waters to see sharks??!!) lunch with bestie, watched Food Network and laughed, and received cookbook in mail.

Bottom line. Recharged. Encouraged. Motivated.

All because I just plain had fun and decompressed. I even had some time alone, just me. How awesome and rare is that these days?

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How this relates to a Bipolar blog? Emotional well-being relates to everything, but in dealing with a disorder that messes with moods, this is vital, and I had forgotten that.

Ah, and the Morning Glories have shot up! Groovy.

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Spray

Relaxing night of Scrabble, reading, BBQ & Potato Salad, snuggles with the cat, and now off to bed. These kinds of evenings are good for those plagued by bugs – you know, the stuff that bugs you and nags away. Self-doubt – am I good enough? Can I do this? Do I really help anyone, or deserve to be here? THOSE. Those bugs.

Not a cure-all, forever-gone type of deal; rather a coping technique that helps make it through an evening.

Just spray bug repellant all over yourself and send those bad boys on their way, by doing something that brings you smiles and delight.

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Sleep, Pills & Money

3:57 a.m. I’m awake. Clearly. Not sleepy, just tired. Two different things for me. Two different meanings. I’m getting more and more pissed off about it, too. Here’s why.

Racing thoughts ~

“I can’t remember where I first saw that actor. Where did I see him?”

“I can’t remember who sings this song that is going through my mind!”

“I should have done so many things differently. Maybe my son wouldn’t have suffered as much.”

“I gotta get the car to a shop. The brakes sound bad.”

Obsessive Thoughts ~

“Damn, I really want my haircut now. Do I have money for it? I need to get the phone and look at my checking account. Do I have the money on a credit card? I will look at my credit card balances and available credit now. God, I want my hair trimmed. It’s bothering me. Maybe I have cash tucked away! It’s so hot when my hair is longer. I really, really want my hair cut. Now.”

~ So, why am I awake? Because the medication I couldn’t take tonight… you know the one – helps anxiety, paranoia, racing thoughts, obsessive thoughts, insomnia – that one. Well, it costs  $10 for one pill. I take two every night. See my expensive problem? So, I didn’t have even one of the pills at bedtime.

I have social security disability for three different medical issues. And right now I’m in the donut hole, which is the equivalent of a really high deductible with other insurance companies. So, Medicare doesn’t pay for my medication right now. It is so very wrong.

“Man! I wonder how much it will cost to get the brakes repaired!”

Anyway, what was I talking about?

Oh, missing medication…

Without it, I can also become manic, and act horribly towards my family by yelling at them. I might hallucinate. I might have such rage, it’s dangerous, worthy of calling the cops. Yep, that’s really fair, huh?

“Crap, who sang that blasted song?”

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“God, I really want my hair cut…”