Take a Look at This Thought-Provoking Video by Luke Alexander

5.22.19 blog entry

I decided to share this. I think this post is quite thought-provoking. It’s about romanticizing mental illness on social media and where lines should be drawn. I do not agree with everything he says, but as I said, it got me thinking. I’m curious what you guys think, whether you have a Mental Illness or not.

I will call Trigger Warning for one part of this youtube post. The host himself tells you exactly when he begins discussing self-harm and suicide and what point to jump ahead to if you want to skip that part. It’s only a couple of minutes in a 14:19 minute youtube video.

Shows such as 13 Reasons Why, memes and drawings and art work about various MI are shown and discussed, in regards to what is self-expression vs. romanticizing things that are actually quite difficult. Luke Alexander, the host of the channel and this video, has been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, so he brings some understanding to the table immediately.

And let’s not forget, May is Mental Health Awareness Month. Talk to one another. Reach out for help. Ask questions. We must eradicate mental health stigma and misunderstandings – I know I always say that, but it’s because it’s fact. Love to you all and take care.

 

(credit: YouTube video post: Luke Alexander channel)

(photos: Google Images)

Out

12.14.18 blog entry

Watching an HBO documentary called Out of Mind, Out of Sight. It is about mentally ill patients who have committed some sort of crime and are now in Forensic Psychiatric Hospitals. (These were once called Asylums for the Criminally Insane.) They interview patients and staff, get into stories of how these folks ended up where they are, and how some patients have even gone missing or been killed in these type settings. It’s a must watch because mental illness and the justice system are a community issue, not just that family’s down the Street problem.

20181214_033125

And for myself, mentally ill as I am, it scares me that I could end up in such a place. Does that ever scare y’all?

24 and Counting, Face of Bipolar

Twenty-four hours plus (24 hrs +) with no sleep.

A Face of Bipolar ~

20180120_130151

The fabulous ideas I had last night but could do nothing about because everyone else was asleep, now appear to me as insurmountable and unrealistic for sure. I’m reminded of something a friend said recently in response to one of my blog entries. Paraphrasing, she said she’d forgotten she once had hopes and dreams. I’ve heard so many friends with BP  (met through a support group) that, despite every effort, have fallen short and not achieved what they wanted. I hope God points out to us that we’re in a different place than we planned for a reason, though we may not understand, or even want it. For those of you reading who are not Believers, I hope you can figure out with the help of friends and loved ones that something positive came, and continues to come, from something crummy and awful.

Because to me, if we can’t find or help develop the good, then what the heck are we even doing here.

Mini-Vaca, Wayyyy Important

Yo! I’ve been gone several days on a mini-vacation visiting friends and family. It has been simply wonderful. I enjoyed seeing friends and families. I *needed* to see these people. A friend of 25 years, give or take, and I’ve not seen her since her four-year-old was a baby. As she said on her FB post, we picked up right where we left off, and I knew we would.

20170624_180001

Anyway, all in all, saw two very good friends, and had a nice get-together with my husband’s side of the family. In the past, there have been some misunderstandings there, but we seem to be moving in a forward, positive direction. I like the boundaries in place.

So, in this past week – a haircut, a movie about sharks (47 Meters Down – who voluntarily goes into a cage in deep waters to see sharks??!!) lunch with bestie, watched Food Network and laughed, and received cookbook in mail.

Bottom line. Recharged. Encouraged. Motivated.

All because I just plain had fun and decompressed. I even had some time alone, just me. How awesome and rare is that these days?

Goodforthesoul

How this relates to a Bipolar blog? Emotional well-being relates to everything, but in dealing with a disorder that messes with moods, this is vital, and I had forgotten that.

Ah, and the Morning Glories have shot up! Groovy.

20170627_195018

Spray

Relaxing night of Scrabble, reading, BBQ & Potato Salad, snuggles with the cat, and now off to bed. These kinds of evenings are good for those plagued by bugs – you know, the stuff that bugs you and nags away. Self-doubt – am I good enough? Can I do this? Do I really help anyone, or deserve to be here? THOSE. Those bugs.

Not a cure-all, forever-gone type of deal; rather a coping technique that helps make it through an evening.

Just spray bug repellant all over yourself and send those bad boys on their way, by doing something that brings you smiles and delight.

insect-repellent-350

Sleep, Pills & Money

3:57 a.m. I’m awake. Clearly. Not sleepy, just tired. Two different things for me. Two different meanings. I’m getting more and more pissed off about it, too. Here’s why.

Racing thoughts ~

“I can’t remember where I first saw that actor. Where did I see him?”

“I can’t remember who sings this song that is going through my mind!”

“I should have done so many things differently. Maybe my son wouldn’t have suffered as much.”

“I gotta get the car to a shop. The brakes sound bad.”

Obsessive Thoughts ~

“Damn, I really want my haircut now. Do I have money for it? I need to get the phone and look at my checking account. Do I have the money on a credit card? I will look at my credit card balances and available credit now. God, I want my hair trimmed. It’s bothering me. Maybe I have cash tucked away! It’s so hot when my hair is longer. I really, really want my hair cut. Now.”

~ So, why am I awake? Because the medication I couldn’t take tonight… you know the one – helps anxiety, paranoia, racing thoughts, obsessive thoughts, insomnia – that one. Well, it costs  $10 for one pill. I take two every night. See my expensive problem? So, I didn’t have even one of the pills at bedtime.

I have social security disability for three different medical issues. And right now I’m in the donut hole, which is the equivalent of a really high deductible with other insurance companies. So, Medicare doesn’t pay for my medication right now. It is so very wrong.

“Man! I wonder how much it will cost to get the brakes repaired!”

Anyway, what was I talking about?

Oh, missing medication…

Without it, I can also become manic, and act horribly towards my family by yelling at them. I might hallucinate. I might have such rage, it’s dangerous, worthy of calling the cops. Yep, that’s really fair, huh?

“Crap, who sang that blasted song?”

5873ac87ab0c3098a2ce882fd8dc173e

“God, I really want my hair cut…”

Death at a Crap Time

f2f216a9180d541940f14eeb704c8b13--bipolar-disorder-mental-disorders

One aspect of Bipolar ~ Depression about an event I cannot control or revisit.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my dad. Actually, I’ve been seeing him some, which is strange in a way, as he has passed away. One of those things Bipolars (or at least I) struggle with often.

“I saw him out of the corner of my eye. Something or someone who looked similar to him? Or maybe I’m just plain nuts and at the beginnings of a manic/psychotic episode?” 🤔😧

I’m paying close attention, and I have one or two people who can tell me if I spiral out of control and I end up think I’m floating among the stars.

Besides all of that, and probably because of it, I’ve been thinking about him a lot. Losing him at 15 years old, he only 44, I knew him as a father, with the potential of adult-to-adult talks I would’ve had later suddenly rendered impossible . I would like to have asked him about Bipolar Disorder and what I think I remember of him having times of deep sadness, then flashes of rage and anger at times, though limited. I remember him doing crazy and off the wall stuff and laughing about it. ‘Course I think he was BP, but no diagnosis.

Did BP genetics possibly play a role in my life? Nature vs Nurture. Believe me, my home with mother and stepfather was no home, was a house. A house with lots of terror. So, it appears nature and nurture conspired to get me.

Thanks for that.

Additionally, after 25 years, I still am not certain how to grieve and let go of my questions, which sometimes lead to depression on my part…and possibly hallucinations.

Maybe this is one of those…it is what it is.

I guess I need to work through some of this with my therapist.

20161120_235554