On Why I Am Suicidal

Possible Trigger:

Why I am suicidal ~~~

First, people need to understand, many who struggle with being suicidal, don’t have a bad day, a bad week, even a bad month with suicidal ideation, then poof!! it’s gone. It is always there.

Good days, still suicidal.

Bad days, you guessed it…..

The problem is that, at least for me personally, it’s viewed as an *option* that will eliminate the pain. Never mind hurting family, and children having higher percentages of suicide after a parent does so.

It feels like an option. Just like therapy, meditation and grounding, and medication.

If it gets too bad, I can always swallow all those pills and at least a half dozen other ways to successfully, ultimately be done with this.

“This,” you ask. Yes, THIS.

This pain, this battle, this heartbreak.

So, I can have THE best day and at its end, in the quiet, I still think, “You know, that’s one way I could commit suicide, it’s not too messy, and seems doable.” Then, automatically, it’s locked away. Saved on the hard drive.

Scarier than that? It usually no longer upsets me when I think about it. It is a part of me.

I wonder if it will ever feel like a foreign and dangerous idea.

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Pic for Today (trying to snap selfie with each blog entry)

Ticking That To Do List to Feel All Happy Again

Hey guys. I’ve not been around a lot. Thanks for sticking with me, though. I try to write an entry while in every mood. That’s the point of this blog, telling others what it’s like to be in a certain mood because of the cruddy Bipolar cards I’ve been dealt – maybe help educate folks, and hopefully help others going through this to know they’re not alone.

Bipolar consists of, for me at least, being run through so many moods and intensities of those moods. Mania, Hypomania, Psychosis (not all Bipolars), which include hallucinations and paranoia, Depression and Anxiety.

Right now, I’m in depression and anxiety hell.

I have family suffering. I mean, agony. Something awful happened to them…a hit and run accident, and someone far too young lost his life. He did something incredible and helped 81 people because he was an organ and tissue donor, though. God bless his sweet heart and soul. β€πŸ’”

Regarding myself, I have found out a lot of troubling, really devastating, information about my dad. He’s passed. He passed away when I was 15, Β (40 now) so I can’t really talk to him about it now, you know. Or say for example, slap the hell out of him.

My physical health…please. I hurt so badly. Things are aching, inflamed, can’t get over a virus/bug/cold/allergy/whatever that I’ve had for the last three, almost four months.

So, what am I trying to do to get through these days? Grounding work. Be outside. Read comics. Scrabble online. Writing. Spending one-on-one time with my son, who made me Blueberry muffins last night – so cool! And prayer. Also, taking PRN med – anxiety med if needed, and booking some therapy sessions.

I’ve also found a fitness center that has several arthritis classes, warm pool free swim, warm pool aerobic classes, sauna, nutritionist and massage therapist. Hello, right! Help for many issues – inflammation and fibromyalgia being two heavy hitters. Weight loss, too. And time on my own. Another homerun! Outta the park! ⚾⚾⚾

I’m tired. I’m sad. So sad. So confused. So angry. But hoping it will soon change. Doing the stuff I know to do. And breathing.

Just keep swimming…just keep swimming πŸŽ΅πŸŽΆπŸŽ™πŸŽΆπŸŽ΅πŸŽ™~ Dory, a smart little blue fish

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Peace and love, guys. xx

Remember, always reach out if you need help.

Forgive, Live and Love

I’ve been thinking and praying.

To start with, I feel like I am a funny, intelligent, loyal, decent human being. I feel like I’m a good mom and wife, though I know that like most of us, I could improve. I’m a good friend. I think I’m a good daughter, even though that’s been a long, rocky relationship.

That word I just used, though. “Rocky.” I was thinking tonight and wondering why I have a few of those rocky relationships that don’t seem to get resolved over time. Problems begin that are not necessarily huge, outlandish arguments that completely sever ties, but are powerful enough to cause a lot of mixed emotions that just compound over time. We go along weary of saying something wrong to each other and causing hurt feelings, but then because we’re not talking, our feelings are hurt in that way.

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I think what I’ve figured out is this. I don’t kindly, yet firmly, insist that when the initial problem arises, that is fully and completely settled then and there. Now of course, not 100% of a misunderstandings will be settled and put to bed at the immediate onset. Time is needed to think and settle, and both parties have to be willing to sit down and speak to one another from the heart. Instead of years worth of misunderstandings, avoiding the other, blaming the other, and/or blaming myself, it is my hope in the future to settle things early on, instead of trying to just get out of dodge when it first comes up, with mixed emotions flying all around me, and nothing truly being put to bed with peace and forgiveness found.

In the beginning, when I try to duck and hide, I say some stuff I want to say, though probably not in the best manner, and honestly afterward, I more often than not run away. There is no closure.

Now, I am a big believer in how receptive the person on the other end of the line is, depending on what I choose to say and how I choose to say it. However, if things aren’t settled sooner rather than later, bad memories/thoughts come to the surface any old time they want to, and I experience the same sadness I did when it all first took place.

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I need to put my heart on the line in the beginning, ask how I can better our relationship, and share what I need as well. I need to discuss and sort, with respect to what each person can handle at that time, and feel forgiven and that I’ve forgiven them, and that we’re still loving family and friends and are moving forward.

Happily.

Peacefully.

Lovingly.

Because I don’t know about anyone else, but I feel uneasy and sad. I want things to be better. I want to do better, and I want others to treat me in the same way. However, over time, if I try to chip away at it with gestures that are not reciprocated or misread, it causes even more pain, and honestly, things get all jumbled up like a ball of yarn you’re trying to roll back into place after the cat destroyed it. Sometimes you give up on that yarn and trash it.

I need to settle up at the beginning, so to speak, and put it to an end. I need to respect my boundaries and those of others, but I cannot go on dragging things out over long periods of time, all the while feeling angry, unloved, undervalued, insignificant, and somehow making the other party feel hurt, followed by a brief time of peace, and then boom!!! we are back where we started.

I need to say and do what I need to say and do in the beginning, because after all, I believe that most people want to get along with others and love them. I believe most people have good hearts and that they do the best they can with what they know at the time. I believe people can misread each other, that folks have bad days, and that as I misunderstand them, they misunderstand me. When I mentioned above that at times I feel anger…come on folks, really and truly, what is anger at its core?

Pain.

Hurt.

 

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I believe if all involved would try to remember these things and just speak from their heart with honesty and without pointing out blame on the other side (the other person) that there could be such peace and love instead of confusion and heartbreak. Most importantly, even if the other person doesn’t do, think, and feel as I just mentioned, as long as I act and love in that way, at least I can know I tried. Maybe later down imaginary roads, forgiveness and peace can be found. Time runs out so fast, though. So fast.

Tomorrow is Father’s Day, and I lost my dad about 25 years ago. So yeah I know, my sisters know, my stepmom knows, that time runs out so fast. And when that time runs out, I don’t want anything left unsaid, and I don’t want someone wondering if I loved them, or not. I do. I really do care for the people in my life. I just hurt, and that blasted pain gets in the way. Happens to most of us, I assume.

I hope to forgive and be forgiven. In the end, it is truly that simple. Maybe I’ll get my courage up to make a phone call or two tomorrow.

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