7.8.19 blog entry
So, I could lie, or try to act outwardly more positive, but this blog is supposed to tell the truth of day to day life as a person struggling to survive Bipolar. Here’s the truth. I’m doing what I’m supposed to do such as art and writing. I’m listening to music. I’m doing strengthening exercises for my knees. Household bills. Cooking.
Trying to write a blog entry. However, the truth is the truth. It’s just scary to tell the world sometimes. It’s frightening to say that today I understand why people with mental illnesses lose the fight. I get it, and that’s not good. And I feel so incredibly alone.
So, I just want to congratulate everyone who keeps moving forward and surviving, as I am these days. I’m not accomplishing much more than that, but there is effort. Also rec’d new medical info about my knees that I’ll describe more later…basically my kneecaps aren’t staying where they should and are slipping. Has a fancy name as these things do but ultimately ends up with me wearing tailor-made and fit braces and probably a walker, and surgery(ies) down the line.
How are you guys doing? I’d like to know. ✌ Sharing photo below as I promised to do when I began writing this blog. The good, the bad, ugly, all that jazz.
Okay, so the blasted article submission I’ve been busting my butt on was denied. Again. Received some helpful feedback, but I do wish I had received it the first time it was handed back to me. It would have been tremendously helpful. I was told that I have a charming writing style that unfortunately doesn’t fit their tone. Right now, I’m just going to move on and write something else. Something with no goal of publication anywhere in particular; just something that is mine and that makes me proud and happy. Write my way on out of here. Away from financial woes, physical pain, fear, anxiety, and a bunch of other BS that comes with Bipolar.
Check out In The End (Mellen Gi Remix) [feat. Fleurie] by Tommee Profitt feat. Fleurie on Amazon Music
Anyway, sometimes music says it best. I’m glad for that because I cannot allow myself to sink lower right now. If I do, I won’t get back up for a while, and I don’t have that time to spare. Between the pain and what I logically know only feels like temporary failure, I just cannot — CANNOT — allow myself to sink lower.
Check out Spectacular Now [Explicit] by G-Eazy on Amazon Music
I’m very sick.
I’m very tired.
I’m very sick and tired.
I wish for physical pain relief.
I wish for emotional pain relief.
It is all unrelenting. And while I don’t have any suicidal plans, I must say that sometimes I wonder to myself if it would be nice to sleep for about 30 years. I mean the kind of quick snap of your fingers that allows you to be gone while having surgery. Then, I would awake for a bit of time with family and friends, and then head on out one night in my sleep.
Question. What’s the worst experience you’ve had with another person because you have Bipolar Disorder or any mental illness? What form of stigma? Was it from a friend, family, co-worker, etc? Was it a hurtful remark, someone undeserving being promoted over you at work? Was it due to ignorance or just plain gossip or even cruelty? Have you moved passed it? How did you stand up for yourself? Did you? And if you managed forgiveness, how?