My Easter, How About Yours

4.22.19 blog entry ~ Easter

Hey, guys. How are we? Holidays can be full of varying emotions. Everyone make it through okay? Anyone need to talk?

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I messed up. I did a lot of physical household chores, and then computer help for my mom, stuff like that. Did this Friday and Saturday. I was feeling hypomanic, so I took advantage of the energy and got stuff done, but Sunday morning, I couldn’t attend Easter services, and that bummed me. I was physically hurting too much, and in the three days prior, combined total I had four hours sleep. However, we watched The Passion of the Christ at home, and I sobbed. We prayed. I managed to make Easter lunch – pasta. Lol.

Today, I’m trying not to fall into full-on dysphoric mania. I’ve been quite close, because I feel so much rage and want to smash something. Therefore, I purposefully tried slowing myself down with calming strategies and PRN anxiety meds. I’m pleased to report everyone in my home still has their heads intact. Yay for small miracles.

I will mention, I tried connecting with my supposed best friend of years and my sister, and neither replied. Again. Just give up, Jen! They didn’t care when I was in the hospital, or when I sent them images of my son’s graduation photos, which hurt me dearly. (Especially the latter.) I’ve tried so many times, but they flat ignore me. I want to send them each a message. However, I do not want to send something in this mood and possibly later regret it. So, I’ll reassess later. Maybe have a friend read it before I send it. Sometimes though, I feel like this is the mood in which I’m most honest and not trying to sugarcoat things and make the necessary excuses for them.

So yeah, I had a lovely Easter with my family, and I even went to a shop in town on Saturday and picked up a few comics on sale and talked to the owners about the SA Comic Con. That was really cool.

But I will have to eventually send the two ladies I was talking about a letter listing my hurt feelings but offering forgiveness and wishing well being, just so that I can gain the closure I need. Closure and the act of letting go can be cathartic.

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Maybe I could write the letters and not send them.

Overall, I’m good.

Off subject, you guys gonna see Avengers Endgame this weekend?

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Love you all. Take care. ✌

 

📸: Google images

Back Home

4.18.19 blog entry ~ Back Home

So, I’m feeling some better. I have a bit more energy, and I feel…well, I almost feel…like things are more manageable. That is definitely not something I believed a day or two ago. I guess going to the hospital with symptoms mirroring heart issues and being admitted to the hospital, coupled with the likes of nitro and potassium, would rock me to my core. My own dad died of his third heart attack at the age of 44, after all. I’m 42. And his dad died of the same issue at age 47. So, I went, I saw, and was stuck with tons of needles, underwent many tests, and lived to tell the tale. My heart is healthy. I’m stunned. Based on family history and medications alone, never mind our poor diet since I’m not able to cook all the time. But hey, a win is a win!

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I’m home now, but I am still experiencing the same pain. That part makes me angry.

I’m tired of physical and mental ailments. “Sick and Tired” – perfect description. Just gotta keep putting one foot in front of the other, I suppose.

A friend told me I’m an inspiration to her because, “You keep going, love.” Eh. To which I replied that I just continue breathing because of these sorts of invisible life support machines that won’t let me go. A large part of me still believes that, but I’m starting to come back round and count my blessings. Tonight, I even enjoyed watching and smelling rain and freshly cut grass. That was a nice Reset Button, if you will. I’ve been listening to my favorite playlists via Amazon Music – performers such as Halsey, Bruce Springsteen and Billie Eilish, and watching whatculture on youtube. I just love that channel with its discussion of films, comic books and gaming. And heck, I’m writing this, and I’ve chosen a new book to read. Those are good indicators of my better moods. Anything like that, as well as creating craft décor and reading/writing poetry are significant and usually mean good things, even if my poetry reads as “dark.”

Anyway, I’m managing. How are you guys? Anything new? Anything you need or want to share?

Take care of yourself, and when you can, each other.

 

(photo credit: guysandgoodhealth)

I Might Have Punched Him

4.10.19 blog entry

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So, I have internet access again. I’m outta food, though. I mean, my son has food, so no worries there. I’m in tremendous pain. Congestion in my chest, I guess, and maybe a little anxiety, too. Additionally, my right side and wrap around to right muscle in my upper and middle back is making it hard to breathe. I think I will see the doctor soon, and I’m having some sort of something that might need my psychiatrist’s input. Some sort of weird lucid dream/dissociation crossover thing.

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Weird thing, last night after a spell of it, I journaled that I just wished these problems could take the form of a person so I might punch him/her. And today, we wake to my husband having a black eye. So….. 😶

Anyway, I’m choosing to be vulnerable here to share what this disease encompasses and creates sometimes, and also to simply explain where I’ve been. I’ll attach a photo of myself because I’ve always said this blog will show the good, bad and all the crap and shades of gray in between.

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I’m better than I sound, and my husband knows about this. There’s a plan in place. I’ll update soon and hopefully share that I’m feeling better. Take care of yourselves and each other, as always. ✌💛

At Least I Have the Marvel Tickets

So, I really jacked things up! I somehow have managed not to pay my internet bill, but… wait for it… I do have 4- 3D IMAX Avengers Endgame tickets purchased!

How did I do this, you may wonder.

Very simply, I wrote it down in my calendar incorrectly and thought I would pay it on the 5th when in reality, it was late as of the 3rd. Grrr. I called the service provider, and they wouldn’t extend it. Grrr. I’ll be looking for a new provider. Two days! They wouldn’t do a two day extension, but I digress.

So, tomorrow, which is Thursday the 4th, I’m not going to have any internet service but I will be back Friday. It’s really quite ridiculous!

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However, it led me to think, how many of the rest of you deal with memory issues, and organizational issues, and just sometimes spacing out and getting things jacked up issues? If so, why do you think that is? ✌☮

3:33 a.m.

Okay, so I don’t sleep well at night. Started in early teen years – tried everything – routines and meds, believe me. Even if I do manage to fall asleep at a normal time, I wake. Almost every single night, I look at the clock at 3:33 a.m.

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(image credit: infinityexplorers)

I decided to look up the time 3:33 after seeing it again a few minutes ago. I Googled a question asking if there’s any significance to always seeing triple threes in the early hours.

Here’s what I found in the first hit.

https://willowsoul.com/blogs/numbers/4-reasons-why-you-are-seeing-333-the-meaning-of-333

I guess this is just a random post, not much about Bipolar, except for insomnia and jacked up sleeping patterns. ✌☮