So, as regular readers and friends know, I love Halsey. She’s such a brilliant artist – not just singing, but painting, drawing, video production – just an absolute beautiful artist. Such an inspiration.
She also has Bipolar Disorder. I’m a fan of this video from a channel called The Kingdom on youtube (we in the kingdom love, love, love Halsey). I am in awe of how well this translates some of Halsey’s music on her upcoming Manic album to Bipolar symptoms. I hope you take the four minutes to watch and let me and others know your reactions. Thanks.
So today has been much better, and I truly believe it is because last night I forced myself to sketch and write. Nothing grand came from that, but it got the creative juices flowing. Now I’m not saying I can live without meds, Lord knows, but I am saying I have a much better shot at maintaining a level mood if I’m creating something.
For me, it is part of self-care. As important as showering, applying makeup (that’s a personal one for me), stretches and light exercise, trying to eat okay, and finally, trying to get some sleep and taking my meds. And because I did that, today I watched a class on skillshare about starting a youtube channel about MH. I am writing this blog. I worked on making some decorations I plan to sell. I began writing a story. I cooked.
I don’t look forward to tomorrow because I have to go have nerve testing done on my arms, but I plan to just chill afterward and listen to a book. By the way, if you’ve read The Handmaid’s Tale, you MUST read Margaret Atwood’s follow-up, The Testaments. Turns everything you thought you knew about The Handmaid’s Tale on its side! Fantastic read or listen. I listened on Audible.
Anyway, I’m rambling. Just wanted to share I’m better today, and how I think I got there. And just want to say hi to you guys and hope you’ve had a great day.
How are you? Who else is eagerly awaiting Shane Dawson’s new series with episode one posting today, 10/1/19?
Question – Do those of you with Bipolar, Anxiety, Depression and the like have a hard time with a sleeping routine?
I absolutely cannot lie in the dark minus music, nature’s sounds, rain sounds, white noise from the fan (even in winter) tv…you get the point. There must be some noise. For anyone asking why, it’s because I can’t just allow my mind to wander. My mind doesn’t dream of fairies, or Disney World, and what will happen in the next chapter of an engaging book I’m reading. No, my mind worries, and fears, and screams. No lie, that’s on a good day. So, I do whatever I can until I pass out.
It’s not how the psychiatrist envisions the routine for me. It’s no, in bed by 10:30 and up at 6:30. That’s the only point my psychiatrist of almost a decade and I do not see eye to eye on, the sleep issue. I just can’t seem to sway him. Sometimes, experience (or struggle) with an issue defies what books say should work.
So, I’m feeling some better. I have a bit more energy, and I feel…well, I almost feel…like things are more manageable. That is definitely not something I believed a day or two ago. I guess going to the hospital with symptoms mirroring heart issues and being admitted to the hospital, coupled with the likes of nitro and potassium, would rock me to my core. My own dad died of his third heart attack at the age of 44, after all. I’m 42. And his dad died of the same issue at age 47. So, I went, I saw, and was stuck with tons of needles, underwent many tests, and lived to tell the tale. My heart is healthy. I’m stunned. Based on family history and medications alone, never mind our poor diet since I’m not able to cook all the time. But hey, a win is a win!
I’m home now, but I am still experiencing the same pain. That part makes me angry.
I’m tired of physical and mental ailments. “Sick and Tired” – perfect description. Just gotta keep putting one foot in front of the other, I suppose.
A friend told me I’m an inspiration to her because, “You keep going, love.” Eh. To which I replied that I just continue breathing because of these sorts of invisible life support machines that won’t let me go. A large part of me still believes that, but I’m starting to come back round and count my blessings. Tonight, I even enjoyed watching and smelling rain and freshly cut grass. That was a nice Reset Button, if you will. I’ve been listening to my favorite playlists via Amazon Music – performers such as Halsey, Bruce Springsteen and Billie Eilish, and watching whatculture on youtube. I just love that channel with its discussion of films, comic books and gaming. And heck, I’m writing this, and I’ve chosen a new book to read. Those are good indicators of my better moods. Anything like that, as well as creating craft décor and reading/writing poetry are significant and usually mean good things, even if my poetry reads as “dark.”
Anyway, I’m managing. How are you guys? Anything new? Anything you need or want to share?
Take care of yourself, and when you can, each other.
For years, I’ve heard friends talking about their dads attending their high school graduation and walking the brides down the aisle. I’ve listened to stories about how much dads love their grandchildren.
This and so much more wasn’t in the cards for me, as I was only 15 years old when he died.
On top of that, I heard some disturbing things about him after his death, which I now question. Not certain I believe what I heard based upon the source and that person’s past. Or maybe I just want and need to believe that person lied to me.
So, I’m left with a lot of questions. I was also thinking about what I did in the days, weeks and months after he died. How did I cope? Because I know I certainly didn’t cry much. Had I, I think I would have never stopped. So, I threw myself into sports and listened to a ton of music. One song I repeated over and over was Cold November Rain by Guns N’ Roses. I could probably sing you every lyric from memory. Like right now, if you’d so wish.
So yeah, anyway, where am I going with this? Well, it’s more of a rambling tonight, I guess. I did realize a connection between my 15 year old self and my 42 year old self. Both of us turn(ed) to music and physical activity (even though mine is limited now due to health conditions). And I suppose that’s a good way of coping. And I’m learning to forgive, as well as asking to be forgiven. I find it a shame that so often it’s easier to forgive once the person has passed away.
Thanks for listening. Take care of yourselves and each other. ✌🙏💛
So, I’m going to follow the advice I give others and be vulnerable here.
*I AM OFFICIALLY ASKING FOR HELP.*
I’m in need of encouragement from people I’ve met through my blog, as well as family and friends. I’m depressed.
It’s bad. I’ve tried to find upbeat moments and days, and I have indeed found some. This has been an almost insurmountable feat, however. I am apathetic, totally flat. Usual things that bring me happiness, no interest. Wanting to be awake – psssh, yeah right! Having to push myself hard to go outside. Can’t settle but don’t want to move. Just have that feeling I always do when I’m bad.
I want to go home.
Where is your home? Is it the apartment or house in which you now live, or more of a fantasy? Something from a fairy tale, perhaps?
Here’s a thing. Great mood or not, Johnny Cash music speaks to the situation every time. 🎵🎶🎧🎵🎶🎧 The Man in Black. Every single time.
As for me.
It’s not peppy social media post type stuff. It’s the negative stuff most people fail to post.
SPOILER ALERT: LIFE (and its truths and this post) AREN’T ALWAYS PRETTY.
Miserable. That’s me. Okay? Miserable. So miserable and tired of fighting it. And for effin what? Even if I crawl my way back to the top, I’ll be back here soon. It is the reality I face with my day-to-day, week-to-week, month-to-month Bipolar. And I’m so extremely tired of the physical pain.
And I love you folks, I promise I do, but don’t tell me to pray it away with name it and claim it, and don’t tell me to drink a smoothie. Sometimes, it really is okay to say, “I have no idea what you face, or what to say, but I’m listening. I care. I’m here. It’s important to me you’re on this planet.”