Dear Brain Please Hush

Yesterday, I drove a six hour trip home from up north in our state. About four hours into the trip, the thought occurred to me, “My mind hasn’t stopped this entire time.” My brain does not shut up. Ever. It’s why, in order to go to sleep, I cannot lie in a completely silent room. My mind would wind me up even more than usual, and often severe anxiety kicks in as a result.

Even when I’m not upset or anxious, some chatter is going on, such as songs playing over and over from a certain artist. Even if the song cuts off, my mind is onto the next thing. I cannot keep up with the thoughts, whether good ideas for writing, projects I would like to begin, or obsessive thoughts about a small mistake I made at work a decade ago. There’s a ton of second guessing myself and past decisions, too.

Yes, technically they’re called obsessive thoughts, and I have racing thoughts as well. I honestly don’t care about correct terminology for now.

What I’m trying to say is I would love for my mind to quieten down sometimes. I think it’s one reason I’m enjoying audiobooks vs. written, hardback novels, for now.

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Do any of you face this issue? I’m guessing some of you do. And can you get the chatter to stop? How?

Much appreciated. ✌ I love hearing from you guys.

88 mph, Flux Capacitors & Sleep (or lack thereof)

Yo! Bipolar Peeps, Insomniacs, or any other Human Being on the planet Earth who has had trouble sleeping… how long do you lie there in bed in hopes of ultimately sleeping? I know that at least our bodies are having a rest. However, truth be told on my part, the longer I lie there, so I can “at least rest,” my mind becomes more and more activated. The random, racing thoughts, or even worse, the darker, obsessive thoughts, are kicked into hyperactive mode. Picture “Back to the Future” and the Flux Capacitor, hitting 88 mph, and BOOM!

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Anywho, I find it quite difficult, this juggling act. Trying to balance the scales and achieving enough “rest” even if I don’t sleep. Worse still, when the doc tells me no naps, even when I haven’t slept in 20 hours… pfffft! If I’m lucky enough to feel sleepy, (sleepy and tired are two different animals…or dwarves was it, 🤔 I can’t recall) I’m taking the nap.

Anyway, how long do you give it before you just get up and get on with things?

Vulnerability to Certain Drama?

As a person dealing with Bipolar, Anxiety, Depression…anything along those mental health lines…do you find you must be careful what you watch?

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I do. (I do this with music sometimes, too.) Anyway, I recently learned this when watching Showtime’s Homeland, and The Handmaid’s Tale – the Hulu original series adaptation.

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I couldn’t help it. Both shows just sucked me in and wouldn’t let go. (A heck of a lot of other people too, I might add.)

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I think I’m drawn to characters who are trapped, or at least very much restricted, in what they can do in their personal lives – following their own moral compass, their own decision making rights, and loving those they choose.

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I can obsess about these types of things for hours, sometimes days. So, I’m careful, but sometimes these shows, with the feelings they bring to the forefront, well, they kick my ass.

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Sleep, Pills & Money

3:57 a.m. I’m awake. Clearly. Not sleepy, just tired. Two different things for me. Two different meanings. I’m getting more and more pissed off about it, too. Here’s why.

Racing thoughts ~

“I can’t remember where I first saw that actor. Where did I see him?”

“I can’t remember who sings this song that is going through my mind!”

“I should have done so many things differently. Maybe my son wouldn’t have suffered as much.”

“I gotta get the car to a shop. The brakes sound bad.”

Obsessive Thoughts ~

“Damn, I really want my haircut now. Do I have money for it? I need to get the phone and look at my checking account. Do I have the money on a credit card? I will look at my credit card balances and available credit now. God, I want my hair trimmed. It’s bothering me. Maybe I have cash tucked away! It’s so hot when my hair is longer. I really, really want my hair cut. Now.”

~ So, why am I awake? Because the medication I couldn’t take tonight… you know the one – helps anxiety, paranoia, racing thoughts, obsessive thoughts, insomnia – that one. Well, it costs  $10 for one pill. I take two every night. See my expensive problem? So, I didn’t have even one of the pills at bedtime.

I have social security disability for three different medical issues. And right now I’m in the donut hole, which is the equivalent of a really high deductible with other insurance companies. So, Medicare doesn’t pay for my medication right now. It is so very wrong.

“Man! I wonder how much it will cost to get the brakes repaired!”

Anyway, what was I talking about?

Oh, missing medication…

Without it, I can also become manic, and act horribly towards my family by yelling at them. I might hallucinate. I might have such rage, it’s dangerous, worthy of calling the cops. Yep, that’s really fair, huh?

“Crap, who sang that blasted song?”

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“God, I really want my hair cut…”