Death at a Crap Time


One aspect of Bipolar ~ Depression about an event I cannot control or revisit.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my dad. Actually, I’ve been seeing him some, which is strange in a way, as he has passed away. One of those things Bipolars (or at least I) struggle with often.

“I saw him out of the corner of my eye. Something or someone who looked similar to him? Or maybe I’m just plain nuts and at the beginnings of a manic/psychotic episode?” 🤔😧

I’m paying close attention, and I have one or two people who can tell me if I spiral out of control and I end up think I’m floating among the stars.

Besides all of that, and probably because of it, I’ve been thinking about him a lot. Losing him at 15 years old, he only 44, I knew him as a father, with the potential of adult-to-adult talks I would’ve had later suddenly rendered impossible . I would like to have asked him about Bipolar Disorder and what I think I remember of him having times of deep sadness, then flashes of rage and anger at times, though limited. I remember him doing crazy and off the wall stuff and laughing about it. ‘Course I think he was BP, but no diagnosis.

Did BP genetics possibly play a role in my life? Nature vs Nurture. Believe me, my home with mother and stepfather was no home, was a house. A house with lots of terror. So, it appears nature and nurture conspired to get me.

Thanks for that.

Additionally, after 25 years, I still am not certain how to grieve and let go of my questions, which sometimes lead to depression on my part…and possibly hallucinations.

Maybe this is one of those…it is what it is.

I guess I need to work through some of this with my therapist.