I NEED HELP ~ 5.10.18
So, I’m going to follow the advice I give others and be vulnerable here.
*I AM OFFICIALLY ASKING FOR HELP.*
I’m in need of encouragement from people I’ve met through my blog, as well as family and friends. I’m depressed.
It’s bad. I’ve tried to find upbeat moments and days, and I have indeed found some. This has been an almost insurmountable feat, however. I am apathetic, totally flat. Usual things that bring me happiness, no interest. Wanting to be awake – psssh, yeah right! Having to push myself hard to go outside. Can’t settle but don’t want to move. Just have that feeling I always do when I’m bad.
I want to go home.
Where is your home? Is it the apartment or house in which you now live, or more of a fantasy? Something from a fairy tale, perhaps?
STUFF THAT WORKS FOR ME ~ 5.8.18
Yesterday, I mentioned self-care. Today, I’m going to share two things that help me. Small, little, helpful, easy to do type things.
1. I wear a locket with a felt tab inside it that holds and diffuses various scents. My favorite is a combo of peppermint, orange and lemon. It helps me feel more peppy and sharpens my focus.
2. I go outside. Even if I don’t walk miles, just getting outdoors and smelling the grass, watching the sage and rosemary grow, excitedly checking on the peaches and apricots, delighted to see the bumblebees, butterflies and birds dancing here and there…all of this helps me be in the moment. I feel thankful. Blessed. I pray. I come up with ideas for art and writing. I feel like I have time to myself, which is something I very much need for stability.
Do you have a sure fire go-to that helps ground or calm you?
RESET DAYS ~ 4.4.18
Here’s a thing. Well, here are a few things.
There are a few things I notice when I’m starting to tank. Tank, as in, I’m so overwhelmed, it’s a danger to myself.
1. Everything I read on social media infuriates me, even when it’s perfectly nice. It makes no sense, but unfortunately, despite BP being a brain chemistry problem, it affects my emotions. Skews my perception. When my best of friends are saying things that plum piss me off, I finally notice I’m tanking. And by the way, I say piss me off because that’s the truth. Saying it makes me angry doesn’t cut it because “piss” relays that dirty, mean-spirited, nasty factor.
2. I don’t want to get out of bed. Okay, so most days I don’t wanna get outta bed. Like 95% of days. But when it’s so bad I’m afraid to move, even to use the restroom, or feed the cat who we all know I love dearly, then I recognize that, “Houston, we have a problem!”
3. I hurt more everywhere. Physically, I’m discussing here.
So, what do I do now?
First, I try to maintain a low profile on social media. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but sometimes I fail at this.
Next, I do extra stretches, extra walking outside in the backyard.
I pray and read devotionals.
I listen to my “Peppy Make Me Wanna Move” playlist.
Finally, I call a RESET DAY.
During said reset day, I get lost in a book, as of late an audiobook, and color while listening.
And my loving, supportive family here in the home respects that I need to take the day as I need it. I love them for that.
Then, start over tomorrow. Reset.
So…I was gonna write about feeling somewhat down.
Then, I saw and read of the tragedy in Manchester, and instead I hugged my son and prayed. Prayers for victims, family of victims and lost members being searched for, prayers for the singing artist, prayers for first responders and medical staff, prayers for Manchester, UK.
Gonna mention some blessings in my life for which I’m thankful. A husband who is a chaplain for a hospice, a son who makes me laugh, a mom who can make me giggle, an orange tabby who loves snuggling & playing fetch, the trees outside, three cardinal families this year, unexpected cards in the mail from friends, and books.
Again, just thank you, Lord, and please be with Manchester, and help our world know more love, more You.
You keep me up all night, sometimes days. This is one of your most effective ways of hurting me, causing despair and feelings of loneliness. Instead of sitting here, discouraged with a headache, I beat you. I studied Psalm 139.
So, better and more accurately worded, God helped me whoop your insomnia curse. One hour at a time, if I must. God is with me.
At the end of the blog entry called Stress/Pain Cycle, I mentioned I would be doing a follow-up entry, this time coming up eith ideas to hopefully prevent, or at least manage, the cycle’s snowball effect somewhat better. I need to figure out a way to prevent the stress the initial inicident causes, such as Fibromyalgia flare-ups and increasing my back pain and arthritic pain. And oh!! The migraines! Additionally, I need to figure out, once I do find myself in the cycle, how to lessen the physical pain I am feeling.
Today the physical pain is somewhat better. That is because I avoided the root problem of what caused this latest cycle. Basically, that’s saying that I hid in my room and didn’t have interaction with my mother. However, as the day wears on, I am starting to feel more more physical pain.
Now once I have the pain, I know that I can use anti-inflammatory gel, medication that has been prescribed to me, heating pads, stretches, and mld exercise. Those things tend to help the physical pain, in addition to employing grounding exercises and prayer. Basically, if I can calm my emotional pain somewhat, then the physical pain gets better. Bottom line, after all, is that it’s all painful. I learned techniques for chronic pain relief at a pain management clinic, such as biofeedback. This part of the cycle I have a better hold on and ideas how to handle it.
The major problem I face is how to manage the stressor/trigger in the first place. This proves more difficult in that my mother, and her numerous needs, lives with me. I need to establish boundaries and try to stick to them. I also need to use the grounding techniques using all five senses and being present in the moment three times a day instead of once. Next step is to speak to my therapist because, as you can see, I need help and advice.
Have you been through similar? Any thoughts/feedback?
I’m down tonight. I am not 100% certain why. May just be those misfirings in my brain, but I think it is likely due to all the physical pain I’m enduring right now. My feet and the tendonitis and bone spurs. My lower lumbar fused back. Joints suffering with arthritis, and a fibromyalgia flare-up.
So, it’s time to turn to things I know will help me emotionally hold on, rather than give in to this sadness.
A much-loved Bible devotional.
A lovely and inspiring Bible.
Philippians 4:6 This scripture verse helped me make it through my first mental health hospital stay. I love that the best verses in this Bible have a colored pictures and drawings. My husband also bought me a book to color various verses in Psalms, when he gifted me the Bible.
Adore good smelling stuff. Makes me feel pretty, and things start improving. Plus, I think it keeps Bipolar’s stench at bay. 😉
Again with the smell good stuffs. Drop a few drops in a diffuser, shower, laundry… Orange is my first choice. There are tons of pleasant scents. Smell as diffuser fills the air, relax, ground myself, and pray.
Cat toys because the cat and I are about to play fetch. Yep, those are ponytail holders. I throw those, as well as some mouse toys, he jumps, catches them, and brings them back to me. Like I said, fetch.
Richard Parker (yep, tiger in Life of Pi) and I snuggling. He was comforting me in this photo. He hugs.
These are a few things I do, in addition to walking the dogs for a bit, doing chair exercises and stretches, and praying. And I feel better. Sometimes a lot better. Sometimes just a bit. But I gotta keep chipping away it.