Even with the Pain, You Gotta Live…

So, my friend is moving back to Texas. She will still live five or six hours from where I’m living, but I’ll still be able to see her more often. This is wonderful, because this person is family. She helped me through so many good times and bad. She was a friend when I hardly had any, due to my family situation at home. She knew that my step-father was, at best, rude and crude, and at worst, violent. Yet she still came to my home. Years later she would help me move my  belongings cross-country because my hideous ex-husband threw all of my things out on the lawn and had moved on with another woman. I can tell you for certain I would NOT have survived that incident without her. There are many memories and lessons learned and even a few tough times she and I had to work our way through so as to keep our friendship. I’m so lucky she’s been in my life whatsoever, and I hope I’ve helped her just as much.

This caused me to think about several things, but mostly that I don’t have many relationships of any sort in my life right now, and that’s mostly because I’m not putting myself out there. I’m not trying.

The point of this is to say, I’m so happy she’ll be back soon. It got me to thinking about things that make Bipolar bearable. Straight away, these are the things that first come to mind. Things that can lead me, inspire me, help me remember…whatever I need to start moving. An emotional move that needs to take place. Emotional efforts. Emotional chances. Sometimes, I believe I fall into not taking on these emotional issues because I want to remain steady and not rock the boat. Not feel any new pain, any new hurts. But the not putting myself out there, the lack of trying, is actually helping the Bipolar defeat me, and I will not accept that.

So what helps me? What drives me? What is realistic? What is not? Can I set up proper time management. Do I have a Plan B. I was taught that by a therapist over and over. Always have a Plan B. (Sometimes, I have a C.)

What is important and healthy for me?

God, good friends, family, writing, listening to music, dancing around for a few minutes in a locked room with only the cat to watch me and think of me as foolish, previously mentioned cat, art, books, learning, nature, people to discuss books with and attending Bible studies. How can I incorporate some of this into my life, because I’ve figured out that without planning or meaning to, I’ve become mostly isolated. Thus, it’s time to go to work.

These are things I have planned. If I don’t manage all of them, I’m not going to call it failing. Rather, if I accomplish some of this, I’ll put a huge check mark in the win column. Joining a book club, finding a church that has an evening service (because I sleep so little it’s hard for me to make morning church services) volunteering for CASA and going back to school with hybrid/online classes. I’ve got to be around people, and I must use my mind.

Additionally, I must feel emotions. Feelings that don’t come just because of how my brain chemistry works that day, but out-in-the-world, real-life feelings. Even if there are a few bad feelings with the good. I’ve got to live a life. I must learn to navigate and build friendships, and fall on my face, and attend class on a day when I feel like hell.

I’ve got to live a life. Otherwise, even if I feel somewhat stable, it’s a stability I feel while shut away from the world. No. Just no.

blog ag and me collage


What gets you going? Is there something you need to do? Are you living a full life, according to your terms? Are you struggling with any of this? Found things that help? Advice or feedback?

Would ALWAYS love to hear from you guys.


So, here was my concern when setting up this blog and sharing thoughts, starting conversations, posting what works for others and myself, posting interesting information and research done regarding Bipolar Disorder – a myriad of thoughts and ideas. What I dreaded was, and is, what the hell to post on these days of “struggle.” I call it struggle because I am not full-on depressed. Yet. I’m having to work at not sinking deeper. I “took the day off” today. No doctor appointments. No paying bills. No looking at the mail. I slept quite a bit today. Now, that’s probably also due to the tremendous physical pain I am in and the medication I took for that pain. (Lower Lumbar Fused, Arthritis, Fibromyalgia and feet and shoulder plagued with Tendonitis.) More to come on all of that mess in future entries. I have the feeling of “wanting to go home.” I have this thought, and have even said it aloud, when I’m down. That’s a symptom of mine to which I should pay attention, because within a day, I could be struggling to function at the most basic of levels.

So, like I said, I dreaded when these days (and worse) would arrive. What would I write?

I decided go with what it looks like for me to try to fool you. The tricking of you into thinking I’m okay when I am so not okay. Now, I know I cannot speak for everyone, but I do know so many people with Bipolar do what I’m about to show you in these simple photos. I cannot tell you how many times I have had to do this at family, church or friend meetings and get-togethers.

This is an easy way to demonstrate to you something I experience, and a game I feel I must play in order to get along and not upset anyone. Can’t be responsible for causing any waves, you know. Because that’s what I do. I hide the Bipolar the best of my ability. Hopefully, tomorrow I’ve bounced back, but I could also plummet and spiral down. Way, way down.


Photo 1 will show you how I really feel today.

Photo 2 shows how I’m practicing the look of someone who feels okay. I need to look okay, you see.

Photo 3 shows a relatively happy looking me. And for today, a complete and utter fraud.


Marvel Parallel (a quick funny)

So, my son finds it amusing She-Hulk’s human name is Jennifer. It’s quite funny among the four of us. Tick her off, and no more Jennifer…only the action-packed She-Hulk!

Whatever…I already have the green eyes and tons of thick, dark hair. I’m down with it.

Listen though, if I am leasing space in the Marvel World, I insist on meeting Loki.💚💚💚